The Clicking of Cuthbert

Old Alumni dinner of Oom University, and my mind seemed to go all

blank. But you just stand up and the words come fluttering out of you

like bees out of a barn. I simply cannot understand it. The thing gets

past me."

"Oh, it's just a knack."

"A divine gift, I should call it."

"Perhaps you're right," said the High Priest, finishing his milk and

honey. He was wondering why he had never realized before what a capital

fellow Ascobaruch was.

"Of course," went on Ascobaruch, "you had an excellent subject. I mean

to say, inspiring and all that. Why, by Hec, even I--though, of course,

I couldn't have approached your level--even I could have done something

with a subject like that. I mean, going off and worshipping a new god

no one has ever heard of. I tell you, my blood fairly boiled. Nobody

has a greater respect and esteem for Merolchazzar than I have, but I

mean to say, what! Not right, I mean, going off worshipping gods no one

has ever heard of! I'm a peaceable man, and I've made it a rule never

to mix in politics, but if you happened to say to me as we were sitting

here, just as one reasonable man to another--if you happened to say,

'Ascobaruch, I think it's time that definite steps were taken,' I

should reply frankly, 'My dear old High Priest, I absolutely agree with

you, and I'm with you all the way.' You might even go so far as to

suggest that the only way out of the muddle was to assassinate

Merolchazzar and start with a clean slate."

The High Priest stroked his beard thoughtfully.

"I am bound to say I never thought of going quite so far as that."

"Merely a suggestion, of course," said Ascobaruch. "Take it or leave

it. I shan't be offended. If you know a superior excavation, go to it.

But as a sensible man--and I've always maintained that you are the most

sensible man in the country--you must see that it would be a solution.

Merolchazzar has been a pretty good king, of course. No one denies

that. A fair general, no doubt, and a plus-man at lion-hunting. But,

after all--look at it fairly--is life all battles and lion-hunting?

Isn't there a deeper side? Wouldn't it be better for the country to

have some good orthodox fellow who has worshipped Hec all his life, and

could be relied on to maintain the old beliefs--wouldn't the fact that

a man like that was on the throne be likely to lead to more general

prosperity? There are dozens of men of that kind simply waiting to be

asked. Let us say, purely for purposes of argument, that you approached

me. I should reply, 'Unworthy though I know myself to be of such

an honour, I can tell you this. If you put me on the throne, you can

bet your bottom pazaza that there's one thing that won't suffer,

and that is the worship of Hec!' That's the way I feel about it."

The High Priest pondered.

"O thou of unshuffled features but amiable disposition!" he said, "thy

discourse soundeth good to me. Could it be done?"

"Could it!" Ascobaruch uttered a hideous laugh. "Could it! Arouse me in

the night-watches and ask me! Question me on the matter, having stopped

me for that purpose on the public highway! What I would suggest--I'm

not dictating, mind you; merely trying to help you out--what I would

suggest is that you took that long, sharp knife of yours, the one you

use for the sacrifices, and toddled out to the Linx--you're sure to

find the King there; and just when he's raising that sacrilegious stick

of his over his shoulder----"

"O man of infinite wisdom," cried the High Priest, warmly, "verily hast

them spoken a fullness of the mouth!"

"Is it a wager?" said Ascobaruch.

"It is a wager!" said the High Priest.

"That's that, then," said Ascobaruch. "Now, I don't want to be mixed up

in any unpleasantness, so what I think I'll do while what you might

call the preliminaries are being arranged is to go and take a little

trip abroad somewhere. The MiddleLakes are pleasant at this time of

year. When I come back, it's possible that all the formalities will

have been completed, yes?"

"Rely on me, by Hec!" said the High Priest grimly, as he fingered his

weapon.

       *       *       *       *       *

The High Priest was as good as his word. Early on the morrow he made

his way to the Linx, and found the King holing-out on the second green.

Merolchazzar was in high good humour.

"Greetings, O venerable one!" he cried, jovially. "Hadst thou come a

moment sooner, them wouldst have seen me lay my ball dead--aye, dead as

mutton, with the sweetest little half-mashie-niblick chip-shot ever

seen outside the sacred domain of S'nandrew, on whom"--he bared his

head reverently--"be peace! In one under bogey did I do the hole--yea,

and that despite the fact that, slicing my drive, I became ensnared in

yonder undergrowth."

The High Priest had not the advantage of understanding one word of what

the King was talking about, but he gathered with satisfaction that

Merolchazzar was pleased and wholly without suspicion. He clasped an

unseen hand more firmly about the handle of his knife, and accompanied

the monarch to the next altar. Merolchazzar stooped, and placed a small