The Clicking of Cuthbert

"Mr. Banks," she said, "I will speak frankly."

"Charge right ahead," assented Cuthbert.

"Deeply sensible as I am of----"

"I know. Of the honour and the compliment and all that. But, passing

lightly over all that guff, what seems to be the trouble? I love you to

distraction----"

"Love is not everything."

"You're wrong," said Cuthbert, earnestly. "You're right off it.

Love----" And he was about to dilate on the theme when she interrupted

him.

"I am a girl of ambition."

"And very nice, too," said Cuthbert.

"I am a girl of ambition," repeated Adeline, "and I realize that the

fulfilment of my ambitions must come through my husband. I am very

ordinary myself----"

"What!" cried Cuthbert. "You ordinary? Why, you are a pearl among

women, the queen of your sex. You can't have been looking in a glass

lately. You stand alone. Simply alone. You make the rest look like

battered repaints."

"Well," said Adeline, softening a trifle, "I believe I am fairly

good-looking----"

"Anybody who was content to call you fairly good-looking would describe

the Taj Mahal as a pretty nifty tomb."

"But that is not the point. What I mean is, if I marry a nonentity I

shall be a nonentity myself for ever. And I would sooner die than be a

nonentity."

"And, if I follow your reasoning, you think that that lets me

out?"

"Well, really, Mr. Banks, have you done anything, or are you

likely ever to do anything worth while?"

Cuthbert hesitated.

"It's true," he said, "I didn't finish in the first ten in the Open,

and I was knocked out in the semi-final of the Amateur, but I won the

French Open last year."

"The--what?"

"The French Open Championship. Golf, you know."

"Golf! You waste all your time playing golf. I admire a man who is more

spiritual, more intellectual."

A pang of jealousy rent Cuthbert's bosom.

"Like What's-his-name Devine?" he said, sullenly.

"Mr. Devine," replied Adeline, blushing faintly, "is going to be a

great man. Already he has achieved much. The critics say that he is

more Russian than any other young English writer."

"And is that good?"

"Of course it's good."

"I should have thought the wheeze would be to be more English than any

other young English writer."

"Nonsense! Who wants an English writer to be English? You've got to be

Russian or Spanish or something to be a real success. The mantle of the

great Russians has descended on Mr. Devine."

"From what I've heard of Russians, I should hate to have that happen to

me."

"There is no danger of that," said Adeline scornfully.

"Oh! Well, let me tell you that there is a lot more in me than you

think."

"That might easily be so."

"You think I'm not spiritual and intellectual," said Cuthbert, deeply

moved. "Very well. Tomorrow I join the Literary Society."

Even as he spoke the words his leg was itching to kick himself for

being such a chump, but the sudden expression of pleasure on Adeline's

face soothed him; and he went home that night with the feeling that he

had taken on something rather attractive. It was only in the cold, grey

light of the morning that he realized what he had let himself in for.

I do not know if you have had any experience of suburban literary

societies, but the one that flourished under the eye of Mrs. Willoughby

Smethurst at Wood Hills was rather more so than the average. With my

feeble powers of narrative, I cannot hope to make clear to you all that

Cuthbert Banks endured in the next few weeks. And, even if I could, I

doubt if I should do so. It is all very well to excite pity and terror,

as Aristotle recommends, but there are limits. In the ancient Greek

tragedies it was an ironclad rule that all the real rough stuff should

take place off-stage, and I shall follow this admirable principle. It

will suffice if I say merely that J. Cuthbert Banks had a thin time.

After attending eleven debates and fourteen lectures on vers libre

Poetry, the Seventeenth-Century Essayists, the Neo-Scandinavian

Movement in Portuguese Literature, and other subjects of a similar

nature, he grew so enfeebled that, on the rare occasions when he had

time for a visit to the links, he had to take a full iron for his mashie

shots.

It was not simply the oppressive nature of the debates and lectures

that sapped his vitality. What really got right in amongst him was the

torture of seeing Adeline's adoration of Raymond Parsloe Devine. The

man seemed to have made the deepest possible impression upon her

plastic emotions. When he spoke, she leaned forward with parted lips

and looked at him. When he was not speaking--which was seldom--she

leaned back and looked at him. And when he happened to take the next

seat to her, she leaned sideways and looked at him. One glance at Mr.

Devine would have been more than enough for Cuthbert; but Adeline found

him a spectacle that never palled. She could not have gazed at him with

a more rapturous intensity if she had been a small child and he a

saucer of ice-cream. All this Cuthbert had to witness while still

endeavouring to retain the possession of his faculties sufficiently to

enable him to duck and back away if somebody suddenly asked him what he