The Black Swan

Kitty looked in. She asked if I wanted hot water now and I told her I did. She brought it and I washed. I had slept so well that I felt a little better. I could not stop thinking of last night’s apparition, but it was strange how different everything seemed by daylight.

I was sure I had seen him there, but Phillida had not. Could it really be that it was my imagination? He had seemed so clear. How could Phillida not have seen him, unless it was a ghost who appeared to me and not to others? Why should she lie? There didn’t seem to be any point in her doing so. On that other occasion when I had seen him, he had gone before I could get Roland to see him. I wondered if he would have been invisible to Roland as well as Phillida. It did seem as though I might be suffering from hallucinations.

I was trying to look at this clearly. It had been a terrible strain. It was mainly my evidence which had sent that man to the gallows. Had that preyed on my mind? I had hated Phillida last night. But that was not fair, for somehow I had felt that she had desperately wanted to say she had seen the man. But of course she had to tell the truth.

I must not blame her because I was becoming a little... what was it? ... mentally disturbed through all that had happened.

I was mentally disturbed. Terrible things had happened to me. It is mentally disturbing to see someone whom you love dearly shot dead at your feet and then to be called on to identify his murderer. This man had died violently. It was said that people who died in such circumstances did sometimes return to this world. Rebecca had thought so. She firmly believed that our mother had come back to beg her to take care of me. She referred to it now and then and always with conviction. If my mother returned, why not a man who had been hanged? And to whom should he return but to the one who had helped to bring about his end? He was a murderer, I kept telling myself. He deserved to die. He had killed my father and, if he had lived, others might have died in the same way; no doubt others had. My father would not have been the first. He was a terrorist and anarchist. He was no less a murderer because he had killed for a cause.

I must be reasonable. If I had seen him and Phillida had not, he must be a ghost. If that were so, there was a modicum of comfort for me, for I had had the fear that I had helped to convict the wrong man, and it was the murderer himself who visited me in the flesh to mock me and disturb my conscience.

This was how I had felt in the days following my father’s death. In the last year or so I had grown a little away from the nightmare and for long periods had ceased to think about it.

Now I wondered if I ever should.

Temporarily last night’s events had taken my mind from the great problem of how I was going to continue my life with Roland when I wanted to be only with Joel. I went downstairs. Phillida was in the dining room.

“Oh hello, Lucie,” she said brightly, as though last night had not happened. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, thank you,” I replied.

“It never fails. It’s a herbal tea. Thoroughly recommended by that wonderful health shop in London. Remember? The one I promised to take you to?”

“Yes. I ... I’m sorry about last night. I ... said you were ? lying.”

“Oh!” She laughed. “Forget it. You were overwrought. I quite understand it. I should have been the same. These things happen, you know. I’m sorry I had to say what I did. But you understand. I couldn’t do anything else. You’ll see. It’s only a temporary thing. I’ve known it happen to people before. The best thing is to ignore it and it’ll be forgotten in no time. Roland’s gone off to see about horses. He said that is the first priority. We’ve got to be able to get about. And he is going to find out if there are any houses for sale at the same time. What do you want to do?”

“I thought I’d like to walk a little.”

“You don’t mind if I don’t come with you? There are one or two things I want to see to in the house. I can’t leave it all to Kitty. Have some coffee and I’ll get Kitty to make you some toast. We’ll have to think about food, I suppose. Don’t worry. You go alone... but don’t go far. Don’t get lost. It’s pretty open here, isn’t it? So you can see where you are.”

She went to the kitchen and I heard her talking to Kitty.

When she came back she said, “Kitty’s getting it right away. She won’t be long. She’s a treasure really... and I think she is rather glad to get down here. She was very much aware of Mrs. Emery’s disapproval. It shouldn’t have been directed against Kitty. It wasn’t her fault I brought her in. It was mine, of course. But I will say that most of the disapproval came my way.”

“You mustn’t take that too seriously. Mrs. Emery’s a good sort, but she is rather a stickler for conventions.”

“And I, alas, offended them.”

“It is very easy to do that.”

She laughed and I joined in. She looked very pleased.