The Big Over Easy

“Sorry, it was dreadful, wasn’t it? Anyway, it didn’t work. Not more than six months after his second marriage, I noticed him inviting young ladies to his flat next door. I don’t think he wanted to upset Laura—he just loved women. He was a very amusing man, Inspector, witty, charming and erudite.”

“What would you say if I told you Mr. Dumpty had got remarried?”

Lola looked shocked. “Humpty? Married again? I would have thought he’d have learnt his lesson from the last one.”

“You met her?”

“No, it was what I was saying earlier. He had hoped the marriage would be as happy as the first time. I think he was disappointed.”

“Isn’t that the thing about multiple marriages?” commented Jack. “How you always hope the next one will be the perfect one.”

Lola flinched. Jack had obviously touched a raw nerve. She flashed a look at him and then got up and walked over to the piano.

“When they were giving out tact, Inspector Spratt, I assume you were at the end of the queue. I’ve been married sixteen times. Each time, as you say, we wish for the perfect one. My first husband was a plumber from Wantage. We married when I was still behind the cosmetics counter. He gave me more than the Earl of Sunbury ever did. That mean bastard only ever gave me paste jewelery and a dose of the clap. I could still call myself a lady if I wanted, but I’d have to use the Sunbury name, and who wants to be associated with Sunbury in any way, shape or form? He was my fifth husband. We were married for over seven months, and when we divorced, I swore I would never get married again.”

Jack, Mary and Brown-Horrocks said nothing, so she carried on.

“Then I met Luke. What a joy. He was young and carefree, funny and gregarious. He was the perfect man.”

“What happened?” asked Mary.

“I married his brother. We were having a double wedding, and there was a mix-up at the church. We divorced as soon as we could.”

“Couldn’t you just have had it annulled?” asked Mary. “If it wasn’t consummated, it—”

Lola silenced her with a baleful stare. “The temptation was too great. It might have turned out better, but on balance I think I preferred Luke. Trouble is, by the following morning, he had fallen for his accidental bride. They went to Llandudno and opened a fish shop. Then there was Thomas Pring. When I was being courted by him, he gave me a huge diamond, the fabulous Pring Diamond. They warned me about the curse that went with the Pring Diamond, but I ignored them all and we married.”

She held up a cocktail shaker. “Gargle?”

They declined. She shrugged and poured herself a martini.

“It was then that the Pring curse made itself apparent.”

“And the curse?”

“Mr. Pring. He was a pig of a man. He used to cut his toenails in bed and rarely washed. I divorced him citing the 1947 Personal Hygiene Act.”

She sat down on the chaise longue again.

“How I prattle so! You must be busy. Is there anything else that I can do for you?”

“Only if you can think of one particular girlfriend of Humpty’s that he might have liked enough to marry.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I’ve no idea.”

Jack stood up. “Well, I think that’s it for now.”

“For now?”

“You don’t mind if I come back should any other questions arise?”

“Of course not.”

“Good. Just one more thing. Would you sign Brown-Horrocks’s clipboard? I know he wants you to.”

They thanked her and left. As soon as Lola had closed the door, she put a worried hand to her face, strode quickly to the window and raised the blind. She then picked up the telephone.

“It’s Lola,” she said. “He suspects.”

39. The Red Ford Zephyr