Stranger in a Strange Land

Anne stopped to kiss him on his bald spot. «Boss, you've done nobly. We'll feed you and get you drunk and put you to bed. Wait, Jill, I'll help.»

«I may to help, too?» Smith said eagerly.

«Sure, Mike. You can carry trays. Boss, dinner will be by the pool. It's a hot night.»

«How else?» When they left, Jubal said to Duke, «Where the hell have you been?»

«Thinking.»

«Doesn't pay. Makes you discontented. Any results?»

«Yes,» said Duke, «I've decided that what Mike eats is his business.»

«Congratulations! A desire not to butt into other people's business is eighty percent of all human wisdom.»

«You butt into other people's business.»

«Who said I was wise?»

«Jubal, if I offered Mike a glass of water, would he go through that lodge routine?»

«I think he would. Duke, the only human characteristic Mike has is an overwhelming desire to be liked. But I want to make sure that you know how serious it is. I accepted water brotherhood with Mike before I understood it — and I've become deeply entangled with its responsibilities. You'll be committing yourself never to lie to him, never to mislead him, to stick by him come what may. Better think about it.»

«I have been thinking about it. Jubal, there's something about Mike that makes you want to care of him.»

«I know. You've probably never encountered honesty before. Innocence. Mike has never tasted the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil… so we don't understand what makes him tick. Well, I hope you never regret it.» Jubal looked up. «I thought you had stopped to distill the stuff.»

Larry answered, «Couldn't find a corkscrew.»

«Machinery again. Duke, you'll find glasses behind “The Anatomy of Melancholy” up there — »

«I know where you hide them.»

« — and we'll have a quick one before we get down to serious drinking.» Duke got glasses; Jubal poured and raised his own. «Here's to alcoholic brotherhood… more suited to the frail human soul than any other sort.»

«Health.»

«Cheers.»

Jubal poured his down his throat. «Ah!» he said happily, and belched. «Offer some to Mike, Duke, and let him learn how good it is to be human. Makes me feel creative. Front! Why are those girls never around when I need them?Front!»

«I'm “Front”,» Miriam answered, at the door, «but — »

«I was saying: “ — to what strange, bittersweet fate my tomboy ambition — ”»

«I finished that story while you were chatting with the Secretary General.»

«Then you are no longer “Front”. Send it off.»

«Don't you want to read it? Anyhow, I've got to revise it — kissing Mike gave me new insight.»

Jubal shuddered.«“Read it?” Good God! It's bad enough to write such a thing. And don't consider revising, certainly not to fit the facts. My child, a true-confession story should never be tarnished by any taint of truth.»

«Okay, Boss. Anne says to come to the pool and have a bite before you eat.»

«Can't think of a better time. Shall we adjourn, gentlemen?»

The party progressed liquidly, with bits of fish and other Scandinavian comestibles added to taste. At Jubal's invitation Mike tried brandy. Mike found the result disquieting, so he analyzed his trouble, added oxygen to ethanol in an inner process of reverse fermentation and converted it to glucose and water.

Jubal had been observing the effect of liquor on the Man from Mars — saw him become drunk, saw him sober up even more quickly. In an attempt to understand, Jubal urged more brandy on Mike — which he accepted since his water brother offered it. Mike sopped up an extravagant quantity before Jubal conceded that it was impossible to get him drunk.

Such was not the case with Jubal, despite years of pickling; staying sociable with Mike during the experiment dulled his wits. So, when he asked Mike what he had done, Mike thought that he was inquiring about the raid by the S.S. — concerning which Mike felt latent guilt. He tried to explain and, if needed, receive Jubal's pardon.

Jubal interrupted when he realized what the boy was talking about. «Son, I don't want to know. You did what was needed — just perfect. But — » He blinked owlishly. « — don't tell me. Don't ever tell anybody.»

«Not?»

«“Not”. Damnedest thing I've seen since my uncle with two heads debated free silver and refuted himself. An explanation would spoil it.»

«I do not grok?»

«Nor I. So let's have another drink.»

Reporters started arriving: Jubal received them with courtesy, invited them to eat, drink, and relax — but refrain from badgering himself or the Man from Mars.

Those who failed to heed were tossed into the pool.

Jubal kept Larry and Duke at flank to administer baptism. While some became angry, others added themselves to the dousing squad with the fanatic enthusiasm of proselytes — Jubal had to stop them from ducking the doyen lippmann of the New York Times a third time.

Late in the evening Dorcas sought out Jubal and whispered: «Telephone, Boss.»

«Take a message.»

«You must answer, Boss.»

«I'll answer it with an ax! I've been intending to get rid of that Iron Maiden — and I'm in the mood. Duke, get me an ax.»