Stranger in a Strange Land

«Exhibitionism» had been to her just a technical term — a weakness she held in contempt. Now, in digging out her own and looking at it, she decided that either this form of narcissism was normal, or she was abnormal. But she didn't feel abnormal; she felt healthier than ever. She had always been of rugged health — nurses need to be — but she hadn't had a sniffle or an upset stomach in she couldn't remember when… why, not even cramps.

Okay, if a healthy woman liked to be looked at, then it follows as the night the day that healthy men should like to look, else there was just no darn sense to it! At which point she finally understood, intellectually, Duke and his pictures.

She discussed it with Mike — but Mike could not understand why Jill had ever minded being looked at. He understood not wishing to be touched; Mike avoided shaking hands, he wanted to be touched only by water brothers. (Jill wasn't sure how far this went; she had explained homosexuality, after Mike had read about it and failed to grok — and had given him rules for avoiding passes; she knew that Mike, pretty as he was, would attract such. He had followed her advice and had made his face more masculine, instead of the androgynous beauty he had had. But Jill was not sure that Mike would refuse a pass, say, from Duke — fortunately Mike's male water brothers were decidedly masculine, just as his others were very female women. Jill suspected that Mike would grok a «wrongness» in the poor in-betweeners anyhow — they would never be offered water.)

Nor could Mike understand why it now pleased her to be stared at. The only time their attitudes had been roughly similar had been as they left the carnival, when Jill had become indifferent to stares. She saw now that her present self-knowledge had been nascent then; she had not been truly indifferent to masculine stares. Under the stresses of adjusting to the Man from Mars she had shucked off part of her cultural conditioning, that degree of prissiness a nurse can retain despite a no-nonsense profession.

But Jill hadn't known that she had any prissiness until she lost it. At last she was able to admit to herself that there was something inside her as happily shameless as a tabby in heat.

She tried to explain this to Mike, giving her theory of the complementary functions of narcissist display and voyeurism. «The truth is, Mike, I get a kick out of having men stare at me … lots of men and almost any man. So now I grok why Duke likes pictures of women, the sexier the better. It doesn't mean that I want to go to bed with them, any more than Duke wants to go to bed with a photograph. But when they look at me and tell me — think at me — that I'm desirable, it gives me a warm tingle right in my middle.» She frowned slightly. «I ought to get a real naughty picture taken of me and send it to Duke… to tell him I'm sorry I failed to grok what I thought was a weakness in him. If it's a weakness, I've got it, too — girl style. If it is a weakness — I grok it isn't.»

«All right. We'll find a photographer.»

She shook her head. «I'll apologize instead. I won't send such a picture; Duke has never made a pass at me — and I don't want him getting ideas.»

«Jill, you would not want Duke?»

She heard an echo of «water brother» in his mind. «Hmm … I've never thought about it. I guess I've been “being faithful” to you. But I grok you speak rightly; I wouldn't turn Duke down — and I would enjoy it, too! What do you think of that, darling?»

«I grok a goodness,» Mike said seriously.

«Hmm … my gallant Martian, there are times when human females appreciate a semblance of jealousy — but I don't think there is any chance that you will ever grok “jealousy”. Darling, what would you grok if one of those marks made a pass at me?»

Mike barely smiled. «I grok he would be missing.»

«I grok he might. But, Mike — listen, dear. You promised you wouldn't do anything of that sort except in utter emergency. If you hear me scream, and reach into my mind and I'm in real trouble, that's another matter. But I was coping with wolves when you were still on Mars. Nine times out of ten, if a girl gets raped, it's partly her fault. So don't be hasty.»

«I will remember. I wish you were sending that naughty picture to Duke.»

«What, dear? If I make a pass at Duke — and I may, now that you've put the idea in my head — I'd rather grab his shoulders and say, “Duke, how about it? — I'm willing.” I don't want to do it by sending him a picture like those nasty women used to send to you. But if you want me to, okay.»

Mike frowned. «If you wish to send Duke a naughty picture, do so. If you not wish, then not. But I had hoped to see the naughty picture taken. Jill, what is a “naughty” picture?»