Snake Eyes

Prattle was absorbed by some passage in the prayer book. He didn’t seem to have noticed what the demon was saying.

“So, what you’re telling us,” said Wiggery, “is that when the last good person in the world starts sinning and then dies, the world will end?”

“Correct. Then Hell will carry on as it always has with everyone present like they should be.”

“Won’t that be hard work for you?” I asked.

“Oh no. Each time the world ends we have a party. Gets pretty wild, actually. We all have a rip-roaring time until the Lord of Darkness decides to create another world. We try to keep him so drunk he can’t remember to do it, but in the end he always does. It’s just a cycle, really. Quite natural when you think about it.”

“Natural? Are you insane?” Rickett was beside himself at the demon’s suggestions.

“Oh, yes. Absolutely. Couldn’t have got the job if I wasn’t.” Rupert looked exhausted. I thought of all the torturing of souls he must have been doing over the previous millennia. He was the sort of creature we were all going to get to know very well before too long, if what he was saying was true.

“How can we be sure you’re not deceiving us?” I asked.

“What would be the point of that?”

“Well…you’re a demon, Rupert. Deception is your thing.”

“If you don’t believe me, slit your throat and go see for yourself.”

It was the only way to be sure, but all of a sudden no one seemed all that curious about the truth. Was the demon bluffing? Was it merely as mad as a clubless bison in a herd of fertile bisonettes? I looked from side to side in the front pews and saw dejection on every face. What did anyone have left to look forward to now that we all knew our fate? Only Prattle seemed unflapped by the demon’s tidings. Studying his face it struck me that, far from being terrified by news of the future, he seemed resigned to it and perhaps a little embarrassed. The demon picked his moment to start bargaining with the timing of an ancient master in the art of temptation.

“That takes care of your eternal souls,” he said. “And seeing as every one of you is already damned, you might as well enjoy what little earthly time you have left by engaging your physical bodies in every whim of pleasure and excess you care to imagine. A virgin or two? I can get plenty of those. Hell, have three each if you want. I’ll even throw in a sheep for the more adventurous among you. I have access to many ecstatic potions and powders that are guaranteed to keep a man’s lance firm until his slaying is done. I have others that will transport you, if only temporarily, to heaven. You can have as much as you like. If you live another thirty or forty years that’s not much heaven, but it’s better than none at all. Let me think…oh yes, you’ll need music to keep you interested and maintain a good festive atmosphere. I’ll organise musicians. Anything else I’ve missed?”

“What about food and water?” asked one of the men. “We’re practically starving as it is. The well could run dry any time. What use will wine, women and song be to us if we’re too weak to move?”

The demon shrugged.

“I didn’t mention food because it was too obvious. I shall, as part of our bargain, provide a horn of plenty to be placed in the village square. No one will lack for anything until the day they die.”

“I don’t suppose there’s any chance you could save our souls, is there?” Asked Wiggery.

“Out of the question. I have tried to explain these things to you. Your souls belong to the Lord of Darkness. Which aspect of that fact that do you not understand? You can have anything else you want. Anything. But not your souls. And all I want in return is my tail. Deal?”

“NO! No one say anything,” I shouted. “Listen here, Rupert, I’m the one with your tail. You deal with me.”

“But these men all know what it is they want. Allow them a little pleasure before they enter eternal torment. I’m merely showing them mercy.”

“You’re merely trying to get your tail back and pervert the last few good folk in the world. Everyone out of the church. Go on, out! Now!”

Confused, and not a little upset to be missing out on every fantasy they’d entertained plus all the new ones the demon had created for them, the group of men filed out of the church. They grumbled. Some of them knocked their shoulders into me as they passed by. I saw a few of them steal glances at the tail I still held. I didn’t have much time before I lost control of the situation completely.

“Not you, Leopold,” I yelled. Where did he think he was going? “You stay here with me.”

When the men were outside I put an arm around Prattle’s shoulder and walked him towards the vestry. I held the tail up to Rupert as we left.

“If you want this back, you won’t move from there.”

The old oak door creaked shut behind us in the cramped in vestry and we were alone. The air was stale and musty. It smelled of decaying hymnals and psalters and unwashed cassocks. Prattle wouldn’t meet my eye.

“How long have you known about all this, Leopold?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”