Snake Eyes

“Oh, so you know my name do you? I expect I’m rather famous in Hell.”

“No, but we anticipate your imminent arrival. And the indignities I’ve suffered at the hands of you humans will be as nothing to those you’ll suffer at ours.”

“Quite so, I’m sure, but you won’t be involved in any of the fun because you’ve lost your tail. You’re out of a job. Now, I’ve given you a chance to win it back by undoing your misdeeds, but you’ve ignored that, so now the price goes up. Come and see me tomorrow if you wish to negotiate some kind of exchange. Not too early, though, it’s been a long night already.” I turned my back on the creature and walked away down the path back to the village. The rest of the men turned and followed but I saw them all cast uneasy looks back over their shoulders as we left the demon behind. Scant moments passed before the ground was shaking once again just behind us.

“I’ll return your contentment and the purity of your women. Just give me the tail. Now.”

I stopped and faced the creature again.

“I’m terribly sorry, demon. You must have misunderstood me the first time. You refused my offer and now the price has increased for the item you wish to purchase. Refuse the terms again and the price will increase yet again. It’s really very simple. Now do you want the tail back or don’t you?”

It was as though I’d pricked a bubble. The demon deflated, its shoulders sagged and its head hung down in misery and defeat.

“Yes,” it sighed.

“Then you’ve got some questions to answer and some work to do. Let’s go back to the church and make a start, shall we?”

“I don’t much like churches.”

“Tough.”

More Bargaining

In the church the demon sat near the altar shivering in discomfort. We sat in the front pews, me near the centre asking the questions.

“What is your name, demon?”

“Rupert.”

“What?”

Several men in the church sniggered and the demon looked miserable.

“It means a very terrifying thing in the language of Hell.”

“I see. Well…Rupert—” there was more chuckling around the church, “–tell us how you came to be in Long Lofting. No doubt you were on some mission for the lord of darkness.”

“No. I just needed some time off. We’ve been working overtime. My back is killing me and Long Lofting was the nearest place that I could disappear to for a rest.”

“You’re skiving from work? That’s it?”

Rupert nodded.

“I don’t believe you. If you came from Hell, how come you fell downwards from the sky? Hell is meant to be the underworld.”

“Well, metaphorically speaking, Hell is like an underworld. It’s full of caves and tunnels and labyrinths and pits. But it hasn’t been…you know,” the demon pointed towards the floor. “down there…for a long time.”

“Since when?”

“Oh, ages ago. And I mean ages. At first, Hell was a small place. Not many departed souls, very few sinners, not a lot for us to do really. And it was situated at the centre of the world. But as time’s gone by the number of departed souls has increased many thousand-fold and space became a problem. And let’s not forget how popular sinning has become. Recently, about a few hundred generations ago, Hell was moved. Instead of being encompassed by the world, it then surrounded it. After that, it started to lease parts of the world for its own purposes. Now there’s mostly Hell and very little world left. Just a few little villages like this one.”

“That explains why it’s been so hot,” said Prattle adding little of value to the conversation, as usual.

“Hot? You don’t know the meaning of the word,” replied Rupert.

“Where do the good people go when they die?” Asked Wiggery.

“The who?”

“The good people,” he repeated.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I only ever deal with bad people. Bad people just like you lot.” The demon managed a half smile that faded quickly.

“What about heaven? What about the Great Father?” Asked Rickett.

Prattle shifted in his pew seat and scratched behind his neck. Then he seemed to notice something fascinating and previously undiscovered about the prayer book he ought to

have known backwards.

“Uhm, I think you’ll find that’s just a rumour,” said Rupert.

“A rumour?” Wiggery was dismayed.

“Yes, you know, just a story. A kind of legend or folk tale.”

“I know what a jazzing rumour is. How can it be so?”

“As far as I know, the world was created by the Lord of Darkness for his own personal pleasure and diversion. He made a bet with himself about how long it would take his flawed creations to come home to him through the path of sin. He invented the Great Father and other versions of him to keep a natural tension alive in the world and give people a reason to find sinning so tempting. The game’s almost over.”

“How long is left?”

“Oh, I don’t know for certain, but he’s been smiling a lot recently which is a sure sign he’s expecting to win the bet.”

“But he can’t lose the bet,” said I.

Others nodded.

“That’s true.” The demon yawned, exposing his impossible ivories. “Explains why he’s such a happy all-powerful being, I suppose.”