Saraband for Two Sisters

So I amused myself during those weeks while Bastian stayed on and I became alive again. My disfigurations had not detracted from that certain allure which people like myself seem to have for the opposite sex. I began to realize that life was becoming exciting again and I thought a good deal of Angelet.

Her General sounded rather stern, and old too. Playing games with soldiers-how odd! And chess. Well, poor Angelet had never been very good at that. One of our governesses had said, “You have a grasshopper mind, Angelet. Try to concentrate as Bersaba does.” Dear Angelet! She could never concentrate for very long ... not long enough to win a game of chess.

I should like to see her and this stern old man; and I wondered very much about their lives together.

Then there came the letter from Angelet. She had miscarried and had been so excited because there was to be a child, but had hesitated to tell us, as she was not entirely sure. It had all happened so quickly and she would very shortly be well, for the miscarriage had taken place only about two months after conception. Still, she had felt unwell and her husband had thought it would be a good idea if her sister could pay her a visit. His profession made it necessary for him to be away from home a good deal and although Far Flamstead was not a great distance from London it was still in the country.

There was a letter from Angelet to me: “Do come, Bersaba. I can’t tell you how often I have thought of you and longed for you to be here. There is so much to tell you. Strange things happen sometimes and I want someone to talk to. Someone who understands me... .”

I thought then: “So her General doesn’t.” I wasn’t surprised. He was a good deal older than she. He was very solemn and serious. Angelet ought to have married someone young and lighthearted.

“No one ever did as you did, Bersaba. Please, please come.” I was excited. I had resented her going and leaving me behind and if I went I should have a chance to escape from the rather stifling-if comfortable and deeply loving-atmosphere of home. Moreover, I wanted to see something of the world outside Cornwall. How glad I was that I had not succumbed to Bastian!

My mother said to me, “Have you had a letter from your sister?”

I told her I had and that she was very insistent that I go to see her.

“My dearest Bersaba. You won’t want to go because of Bastian perhaps. Angelet wants you; she writes as though she needs you. We must remember that you and she have always been together until now. It’s not natural for you to be apart. But of course she has her life to live and you have yours. You must do whatever you think best. I know how much you want to be with her, but perhaps even more you prefer not to go.” I said, “I must think about this, Mother.” I felt ashamed, as I always did when I deceived her, for of course I had already decided that I was going to London. Bastian was stricken.

“You can’t go,” he said. “What about us?”

“I shall doubtless meet Carlotta. I’ll tell her how desolate you are.”

“Please, Bersaba,” he implored, “be serious. That was a momentary madness, an aberration.

Please, please understand. It was you I loved ... I always loved you.»

“I would prefer you to tell the truth. Lies would not be a good foundation on which to build a marriage.”

That raised his hopes. I really believed he thought that I was going to marry him. The conceit of men is past understanding. Didn’t he know that he had wounded my pride so deeply that I would never forget it? Those scars were as indelible as those of the smallpox. He didn’t understand that I was not the sort to forgive. I wanted reparation. I wanted revenge. I was having it now, and it was as exciting as giving way to my carnal desires would have been.

“Revenge,” my mother had once said, “brings no happiness to the one who seeks it, while forgiveness brings nothing but joy.”

That may have been for her. It was not in my nature to forgive.

“The Bible tells us to forgive,” she said.

That might be, but I wanted an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and nothing less would satisfy me.

So I had my triumph for the day came when I told them I had definitely decided to go to Angelet.