Reaper Man

"Shut up, Bursar," said the Archchancellor. ‘And, Dean, you're getting nowhere picking them off one by one like that. OK, lads? We want to do them all as much damage as possible. Remember - wild, uncontrolled bursts..."

The trolleys advanced.

Ow. Ow.

Miss Flitworth staggered through the wet, rattling gloom. Hailstones crunched underfoot. Thunder cannonaded around the sky.

"They sting, don't they," she said.

THEY ECHO.

Bill Door fielded a stook as it was blown past, and stacked it with the others. Miss Flitworth scuttled past him, bent double under a load of corn. The two of them worked steadily, crisscrossing the field in the teeth of the storm to snatch up the harvest before the wind and hail stole it away. Lightning flickered around the sky. It wasn't a normal storm. It was war.

"It's going to pour with rain in a minute. " screamed Miss Flitworth, above the noise. ‘We'll never get it down to the barn! Go and fetch a tarpaulin or something! That'll do for tonight!"

Bill Door nodded, and ran through the squelching darkness towards the farm buildings. Lightning was striking so many times around the fields that the air itself was sizzling, and a corona danced along the top of the hedge.

And there was Death.

He saw it looming ahead of him, a crouched skeletal shape poised to spring, its robe flapping and rattling behind it in the wind.

Tightness gripped him, trying to force him to run while at the same time rooting him to the spot. It invaded his mind and froze there, blocking all thought save for the innermost, tiny voice which said, quite calmly: SO THlS IS TERROR.

Then Death vanished as the lightning glow faded, reappeared as a tree was struck on the next hill.

Then the quiet, internal voice added: BUT WHY DOESN'T IT MOVE?

Bill Door let himself inch forward slightly. There was no response from the hunched thing.

Then it dawned on him that the thing on the other side of the hedge was only a robed assemblage of ribs and femurs and vertebrae if viewed from one point of view but, if looked at slightly differently, was equally just a complexity of sparging arms and reciprocating levers that had been covered by a tarpaulin which was now blowing off.

The Combination Harvester was in front of him.

Bill Door grinned horribly. Un-Bill Door thoughts rose up in his mind. He stepped forward.

The wall of trolleys surrounded the wizards.

The last flare from a staff melted a hole, which was instantly filled up by more trolleys.

Ridcully turned to his fellow wizards. They were red in the face, their robes were torn, and several over-enthusiastic shots had resulted in singed beards and burnt hats.

"Hasn't anyone got any more spells on them?" he said.

They thought feverishly.

"I think I can remember one," said the Bursar hesitantly.

"Go on, man. Anything's worth trying at a time like this."

The Bursar stretched out a hand. He shut his eyes. He muttered a few syllables under his breath.

There was a brief flicker of octarine light and -

"Oh, " said the Archchancellor. ‘And that's all of it?"

" "Eringyas' Surprising Bouquet"," said the Bursar, bright eyed and twitching. "I don't know why, but it's one I've always been able to do. Just a knack, I suppose."

Ridcully eyed the huge bunch of flowers now gripped in the Bursar's fist.

"But not, I venture to point out, entirely useful at this time," he added.

The Bursar looked at the approaching walls and his smile faded.

"I suppose not," he said.

"Anyone else got any ideas?" said Ridcully.

There was no reply.

"Nice roses, though," said the Dean.

"That was quick," said Miss Flitworth, when Bill Door arrived at the pile of stooks dragging a tarpaulin behind him.

YES, WASN'T IT, he mumbled noncommittally, as she helped him drag it over the stack and weigh it down with stones. The wind caught at it and tried to drag it out of his hands; it might as well have tried to blow a mountain over.

Rain swept over the fields, among shreds of mist that shimmered with blue electric energies.

"Never known a night like it," Miss Flitworth said.

There was another crack of thunder. Sheet lightning fluttered around the horizon.

Miss Flitworth clutched Bill Door's arm.

"Isn't that... a figure on the hill?" she said. ‘Thought I saw a...shape."

NO, IT'S MERELY A MECHANICAL CONTRIVANCE.

There was another flash.

"On a horse?" said Miss Flitworth.

A third sheet seared across the sky. And this time there was no doubt about it. There was a mounted figure on the nearest hilltop. Hooded. Holding a scythe as proudly as a lance.

POSING. Bill Door turned towards Miss Flitworth. POSING. I NEVER DID ANYTHING LIKE THAT. WHY DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT? WHAT PURPOSE DOES IT SERVE?

He opened his palm. The gold timer appeared.

"How much longer have you got?"

PERHAPS AN HOUR. PERHAPS MINUTES.

"Come on, then!"

Bill Door remained where he was, looking at the timer.

"I said, come on!"

IT WON'T WORK. I WAS WRONG TO THINK THAT IT WOULD. BUT IT WON'T. THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT YOU CANNOT ESCAPE. YOU CANNOT LIVE FOREVER.

"Why not?"

Bill Door looked shocked. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?