Reaper Man

"It iss very important to maintain standerts," said Doreen. Doreen, in addition to her here-one-minute-and-gone-the-next vampire accent, had decided to complement Arthur's evening dress with what she considered appropriate for a female vampire: figure-hugging black dress, long dark hair cut into a widow's peak, and very pallid makeup. Nature had designed her to be small and plump with frizzy hair and a hearty complexion. There were definite signs of conflict.

"I should have stayed in that coffin," said Arthur.

"Oh, no, " said Mr. Shoe. "That's taking the easy way out. The movement needs people like you, Arthur. We had to set an example. Remember our motto."

"Which motto is that, Reg?" said Lupine wearily. "We have so many."

"Undead yes - unperson no!" Reg said.

"You see, he means well," said Lupine, after the meeting had broken up.

He and Windle were walking back through the grey dawn. The Notfaroutoes had left earlier to be back home before daylight heaped even more troubles on Arthur, and Mr. Shoe had gone off, he said, to address a meeting.

"He goes down to the cemetery behind the Temple of Small Gods and shouts," Lupine explained. ‘He calls it consciousness raising but I don't reckon he's on to much of a certainty."

"Who was it under the chair?" said Windle.

"That was Schleppel," said Lupine. "We think he's a bogeyman."

"Are bogeymen undead?"

"He won't say."

"You've never seen him? I thought bogeymen hid under things and, er, behind things and sort of leapt out at people."

"He's all right on the hiding. I don't think he likes the leaping out, " said Lupine.

Windle thought about this. An agoraphobic bogey-man seemed to complete the full set.

"Fancy that, " he said, vaguely.

"We only go along to the club to keep Reg happy," said Lupine. "Doreen said it'd break his heart if we stopped. You know the worst bit?"

"Go on, " said Windle.

"Sometimes he brings a guitar along and makes us sing songs like "Streets of Ankh-Morpork" and "We Shall Overcome". * It's terrible."

"Can't sing, eh?" said Windle.

"Sing? Never mind sing. Have you ever seen a zombie try to play a guitar? It's helping him find his fingers afterwards that's so embarrassing. " Lupine sighed. "By the way, Sister Drull is a ghoul. If she offers you any of her meat patties, don't accept."

Windle remembered a vague, shy old lady in a shapeless grey dress.

"Oh, dear," he said. "You mean she makes them out of human flesh?"

"What? Oh. No. She just can't cook very well."

"Oh."

"And Brother Ixolite is probably the only banshee in the world with a speech impediment, so instead of sitting on roofs and screaming when people are about to die he just writes them a note and slips it under the door-"

Windle recalled a long, sad face. " He gave me one, too."

"We try to encourage him," said Lupine. "He's very self-conscious."

His arm shot out and flung Windle against a wall.

"Quiet!"

"What?"

Lupine's ears swivelled. His nostrils flared.

Motioning Windle to remain where he was, the wereman slunk silently along the alley until he reached its junction with another, even smaller and nastier one. He paused for a moment, and then thrust a hairy hand around the corner.

There was a yelp. Lupine's hand came back holding a struggling mop. Huge hairy muscles moved under Lupine's torn shirt as the man was hoisted up to fang level.

"You were waiting to attack us, weren't you," said Lupine.

"Who, me -?"

"I could smell you, " said Lupine, evenly.

"I never -"

Lupine sighed. "Wolves don't do this sort of thing, you know, " he said.

The man dangled.

"Hey, is that a fact, " he said.

"It's all head-on combat, fang against fang, claw against claw," said Lupine. "You don't find wolves lurking behind rocks ready to mug a passing badger."

"Get away?"

"Would you like me to tear your throat out?"

The man stared eye to yellow eye. He estimated his chances against a seven-foot man with teeth like that.

"Do I get a choice?" he said.

"My friend here," said Lupine, indicating Windle, "is a zombie -"

"Well, I don't know about actual zombie, I think you have to eat some sort of fish and root to be a zom -"

"- and you know what zombies do to people, don't you?"

The man tried to nod, even though Lupine's fist was right under his neck.

"Yeggg, " he managed.

"Now, he's going to take a very good look at you, and if he ever sees you again -"

"I say, hang on," murmured Windle.

"- he'll come after you. Won't you, Windle?"

"Eh? Oh, yes. That's right. Like a shot, " said Windle, unhappily. "Now run along, there's a good chap. OK?"

"OggAy," said the prospective mugger. He was thinking: "Is eyes! Ike imlets!"

Lupine let go. The man hit the cobbles, gave Windle one last terrified glance, and ran for it.

"Er, what do zombies do to people?" said Windle. ‘I suppose I'd better know."

"They tear them apart like a sheet of dry paper, " said Lupine.

"Oh? Right," said Windle. They strolled on in silence.