Pyramids

It didn’t matter how he worked it out, the answer was always the same. It was an equation of classical simplicity. It had a certain clean elegance which he was not, currently, in a position to admire.

You Bastard felt illused and hard done by. There was nothing particularly unusual about this, however, since that is the normal state of mind for a camel. He knelt patiently while Teppic packed the saddlebags.

‘We’ll avoid Ephebe,’ Teppic said, ostensibly to the camel. ‘We’ll go up the end of the Circle Sea, perhaps to Quirm or over the Ramtops. There’s all sorts of places. Maybe we’ll even look for a few of those cities, eh? I expect you’d like that.’

It’s a mistake trying to cheer up camels. You may as well drop meringues into a black hole.

The door at the far end of the stable swung open. It was a priest. He looked rather flustered. The priests had been doing a lot of unaccustomed running around today.

‘Er,’ he began. ‘Her majesty commands you not to leave the kingdom.’

He coughed.

He said, ‘Is there a reply?’

Teppic considered. ‘No,’ he said, ‘I don’t think so.’

‘So I shall tell her that you will be attending on her presently, shall I?’ said the priest hopefully.

‘No.’

‘It’s all very well for you to say,’ said the priest sourly, and slunk off.

He was replaced a few minutes later by Koomi, very red in the face.

‘Her majesty requests that you do not leave the kingdom,’ he said.

Teppic climbed on to You Bastard’s back, and tapped the camel lightly with a prod.

‘She really means it,’ said Koomi.

‘I’m sure she does.’

‘She could have you thrown to the sacred crocodiles, you know.’

‘I haven’t seen many of them around today. How are they?’ said Teppic, and gave the camel another thump.

He rode out into the knife-edged daylight and along the packed-earth streets, which time had turned into a surface harder than stone. They were thronged with people. And every single person ignored him.

It was a marvellous feeling.

He rode gently along the road to the border and did not stop until he was up in the escarpment, the valley spreading out behind him. A hot wind off the desert rattled the syphacia bushes as he tethered You Bastard in the shade, climbed a little further up the rocks, and looked back.

The valley was old, so old that you could believe it had existed first and had watched the rest of the world form around it. Teppic lay with his head on his arms.

Of course, it had made itself old. It had been gently stripping itself of futures for thousands of years. Now change was hitting it like the ground hitting an egg.

Dimensions were probably more complicated than people thought. Probably so was time. Probably so were people, although people could be more predictable.

He watched the column of dust rise outside the palace and work its way through the city, across the narrow patchwork of fields, disappear for a minute in a group of palm trees near the escarpment, and reappear at the foot of the slope. Long before he could see it he knew there’d be a chariot somewhere in the cloud of sand.

He slid back down the rocks and squatted patiently by the roadside. The chariot rattled by eventually, halted some way on, turned awkwardly in the narrow space, and trundled back.

‘What will you do?’ shouted Ptraci, leaning over the rail. Teppic bowed.

‘And none of that,’ she snapped.

‘Don’t you like being king?’

She hesitated. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I do—’

‘Of course you do,’ said Teppic. ‘It’s in the blood. In the old days people would fight like tigers. Brothers against sisters, cousins against uncles. Dreadful.’

‘But you don’t have to go! I need you!’

‘You’ve got advisers,’ said Teppic mildly.

‘I didn’t mean that,’ she snapped. ‘Anyway, there’s only Koomi, and he’s no good.’

‘You’re lucky. I had Dios, and he was good. Koomi will be much better, you can learn a lot by not listening to what he has to say. You can go a long way with incompetent advisers. Besides, Chidder will help, I’m sure. He’s full of ideas.’

She coloured. ‘He advanced a few when we were on the ship.’

‘There you are, then. I knew the two of you would get along like a house on fire.’ Screams, flames, people running for safety …

‘And you’re going back to be an Assassin, are you?’ she sneered.

‘I don’t think so. I’ve inhumed a pyramid, a pantheon and the entire old kingdom. It may be worth trying something else. By the way, you haven’t been finding little green shoots springing up wherever you walk, have you?’

‘No. What a stupid idea.’

Teppic relaxed. It really was all over, then. ‘Don’t let the grass grow under your feet, that’s the important thing,’ he said. ‘And you haven’t seen any seagulls around?’

‘There’s lots of them today, or didn’t you notice?’

‘Yes. That’s good, I think.’

You Bastard watched them talk a little more, that peculiar trailing-off, desultory kind of conversation that two people of opposite sexes engage in when they have something else on their minds. It was much easier with camels, when the female merely had to check the male’s methodology.