No Contest

Chapter 24

“My cousin Fellows Fence has accused me of propagating a slogan. Let’s see, according to the paperwork filed today in federal court, the slogan is Oaties Is for P*ssies. I went to court today with my legal counsel to assure the court that I did not develop the slogan Oaties Is for P*ssies. I did not publish the slogan Oaties Is for P*ssies. I never authorized any representative or public-relations firm or advertising agency to publicize the slogan Oaties Is for P*ssies. Today, in court, Fellows Fence was unable to provide any evidence of my involvement in the dissemination of the slogan Oaties Is for P*ssies. Nevertheless, I have assured the court that I will vigorously search out my organization for evidence that some rogue employee might be responsible for publicizing the phrase Oaties Is for P*ssies. For that reason, I am forming the MacBisCo Oaties Is for P*ssies Task Force, reporting directly to me. If it came out of my company, I’ll find the person responsible for the slogan Oaties Is for P*ssies!”

Fellows Fence stared at the front page in horror.

Oaties Is for P*ssies.

His big brother, Adam Fence, looked ready to kill somebody. And it wouldn’t be the first time.

“I’ll sue him into extinction,” Fellows said weakly.

“Sue him for what? Cooperating?” Adam demanded. “He’s reading right off the complaint you filed, Fellows. You were supposed to make this go away, not turn it into a media frenzy. Look at this!” Adam jabbed at a remote control and a wall-mounted screen came to life. That son of a bitch MacGregor was giving a press conference. “Oaties is for bleepies.” If he said it once, he said it ten times.

“Legal’s already come back to me on this, Fellows. It’s clean. There’s no complaint here. We’re screwed.”

‘It’s legal’s fault,” Fellows said. “I cleared this with them. They said we had a case.”

Adam jumped to his feet and pounded his fists on his desk. “What the hell are you thinking! They know the law and that’s it. They’re lawyers—nobody expects them to have common sense. But you are supposed to have common sense.”

Fellows fought to keep his lower lip from quivering. “You blame me for this?”

“Of course I blame you. You did it.”

“It’s my assistant’s fault. Jeremy. He’s supposed to run interference.”

“It’s your fault. Shoulder the responsibility for once.”

Fellows saw a slide show in his head, desperately seeking the person responsible for this disaster. It had to be someone else. It couldn’t be him. In desperation, he tried to turn the tables. “You should have seen this coming. You should be taking the responsibility for this, Adam.”

Adam smirked. “You’re right. I bear the ultimate responsibility for all legal actions taken by this company. Which is why the company bylaws state specifically that the president shall be given adequate opportunity to review all legal actions taken by Fence Flour Company prior to them being taken. But you went to court without even giving me a heads-up. You know how serious that is, Fellows? It’s a fireable offense!”

Fellows became extremely flushed.

‘You better not faint. You faint in my office one more time and you’ll wake up in the mail room. As an assistant”

“You’re not going to fire me?” Fellows stammered.

“I’m giving you one last chance to save face. One.”

“I’ll do it.”

“It might be too much for a guy named Fellows,” Adam said sardonically.

“I’ll make it happen. Just tell me what to do.”

Adam scowled and sat heavily in his chair. He told Fellows what he wanted done.

“Please, no,” Fellows whimpered. “Anything but that!”

Fellows Fence was on the morning shuttle flight from Battle Creek to Chicago, and minutes later was on a United flight to Los Angeles. By the time he gathered his wits, with the help of a steady flow of white zinfandel, he was three hours out over the Pacific Ocean.

“I can’t believe we’re caving in. We’re not followers,” he ranted. “We’re leaders. We made the breakfast-cereal industry into what it is today.”

“Overpriced junk?” asked the amused plastic-pellets salesman next to him.

“Extreme Nuggets is junk,” Fellows declared. “It binds you up. It’s way too much of a good thing. Now I have to imitate Extreme Nuggets.”

It was one of the famous Adam Fence handwritten business strategies. He came up with them at the breakfast table. These were legendary documents. They were studied in the MBA program at the University of Michigan in Kalamazoo.

This one had all the earmarks of a classic Adam Fence manifesto. It was bold, it was blatant, it used no careful business-speak.