No Contest

“Son of a gun!” Lois tottered out of her chair and swung around in a full-body blow. The bird flopped into the air with a surprised sound that ended with the crack of the tennis racket against its foot.

“I got you, you monster!” Lois shuffled after the bird, which somersaulted out of the air and landed hard -on the lawn. It picked itself up on one foot and craned its head to see Lois Larson coming at it in a green rage.

“Why?” it asked, then threw itself bodily off the ground, clawed at the air and barely managed to get out of the reach of the slow-moving nonagenarian.

“I don’t like birds that eat my friends, that’s why!”

“Why? Why?” the bird cried. It nearly collapsed on the earth again, but it found extra height with a few painful strokes that took it into the treetops a hundred feet away.

“Aw, nuts,” Lois gasped, then collapsed from sheer exhaustion.

Sarah Slate had heard the talk. She didn’t know what to believe, but she knew she had to help that bird. Mrs. Larson claimed to have broken its foot with her tennis racket—and one of the nurses witnessed it. As for Lois Larson’s claim that the bird was a man-eating carnivore—that was a little hard to swallow.

“All it talks about is chewing,” Lois told her. “It comes to folks’ windows in the night like asking for permission. I heard it myself.”

“Really,” Sarah asked her. “What did it say?”

“I told you, girl! It said ‘chewing.’ ‘Chewing?’ it says. ‘Chewing? Chewing?”’

Sarah wasn’t about to argue with Lois Larson. Still, just because it said “Chewing?” was it necessarily a flesh-eater?

“It didn’t say ‘chewing,’” corrected another longtime Folcroft patient. “It stood outside my window for ten minutes so I heard what it said most clearly.” The man skootched close to her and said, “Chewin. Not ‘chewing’ but ‘chewin.’”

“Oh, God.” Sarah Slate was so surprised she didn’t notice the old man’s hand on her knee. “Thanks, Mr. Hampton.”

She was gone before he could ask her to dinner.

“Don’t go out there!” cried a gaggle of ancient patients in the sunroom. “It’ll try to eat you!”

All those worried old women had their own set of serious problems, and now they were too scared to take a step outside because of some misplaced fears.

“Don’t worry, ladies,” Sarah said. “I’m going to take care of this problem once and for all.”

“Oh, really?” asked a white-haired woman in her fifties. Her wide eyes told Sarah she was very afraid, very often, and yet she effortlessly placed her confidence in a strange woman who looked too young for the high-school prom.

“You work here?” asked another woman, less trusting. “Pretty soon everything will be back to normal,” Sarah declared loudly so that everyone in the sunroom could hear her. The patients looked at her with doubt or hope. She smiled and met their eyes, each and every one of them, then left the building.

She crossed the grounds fast and felt as if she were walking a tightrope. She poked out a number on her mobile phone.

“They’re in a meeting. They’re not to be disturbed. I’m so sorry, Sarah,” Mrs. Mikulka said. “Where are you, dear?”

“On the grounds. Trying to solve this bird problem. Have you heard what the patients are saying?”

“Oh, yes, they’re quite upset and staying indoors.”

“Mrs. Mikulka, there’s a bunch of sad-looking people down here, and I think I can make them feel a little better. Would you help me out? I need somebody with your authority.”

“Oh, goodness. Oh, my. What do you have in mind, dear?”

The security chief joined her fifteen minutes later. “I wanted to hear about this for myself,” he said.

“Wait here,” Sarah said. “I’ll call when I’m ready.” She snatched the medical kit and the body bag from his hands and tromped away into the trees until she could barely see the man.

“Hello? Here I am. I’m looking for you? Can you hear me? I’m here to help you.”

One of Sarah’s charms was a melodious voice, which she lifted into the trees. She had worked miracles with that voice, more than once. She would do so again.

“I can help you find Chiun she said. “Come to me. I’ll help you. I will help you find Chiun.”

Already she heard the rustle of large wings overhead, and when she turned her gaze up she saw the creature on a branch an arm’s reach above her head. It asked, sadly, “Chiun?”

“I know Chiun. I’ll help you find Chiun. I’ll help you feel better. Come to me. Come to me.”

The great creature with the dangling foot allowed itself to be embraced. It was heaving with the exertion of standing on one foot and slumped into her arms. Sarah stroked its great head and tried to explain to it what would happen next. “Don’t be afraid,” Sarah cooed. “Don’t be afraid.”

The bird cocked its head. It truly seemed to be reassured by her words. It didn’t object when it was laid on the ground and zippered up inside the body bag.

Sarah held it close to her chest again and called for the security chief.

“You got it?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“So you want me to, you know?” He held up the shotgun.

“Yes, please.”

“Crazy-assed scheme, but maybe it’ll work.”