Мы за все платим. Где-то деньгами. Где-то душой

I put on my coat, left without goodbyes, with the world shimmering around me. Life compels you to spend more than you have, to strike, to degrade and be degraded, to destroy, to be abandoned and to abandon, to love someone you shouldn't, to fool yourself, even if you have no desire to, even if you resist. You might think that you're an endless resource, but if you give and receive back that energy – with love, care, gratitude – that's one thing. But if, in return, all you get is dirt and insults, then one day you'll be spent.

That’s how I lost the ability to move, to work out, to do makeup, to love, and to search. All that's left is autopilot and the ability to wait for that one fairytale prince. Not the one who's novel, actively acute consumer, nor the senseless one. But the Prince who has the genuine ability to discern inner beauty from ugliness and beautify all that's around him.

It's now fashionable to rely on women, to tie a woman to responsibility, or to go on and on about her weakness. No matter how you struggle for the laws of humanity, you'll never win. The only place you find nobility is in your inner kingdom, in your inner privilege. No matter where you look, you'll see manipulation, you're manipulated, moreover – forced into capitulation. And you still need that prince. Not a fool, not someone influenced, and not an egotist.

Take care of yourself, and never ever waste yourself. Don’t make my mistakes. Remember, people burn like candles. Faina Ranevskaya met Tsvetaeva after 25 years of 'burning out, and the encounter terrified her. 'Her eyes were not burning. There was no “fire-eyed Marina” left at all.

Life makes you spend mercilessly, to beat, to degrade, and be degraded. To ruin, to abandon, and to stay, to love the wrong one, and to fool yourself. And if you dare talk back to life, then at least don’t spend yourself. Intuition and feelings – those are wonderful things, but only cold intellect allows you to analyze and find the dozen variations of decisions, that's only given through seeing situations as a whole.

And will you find the prince? No promises were made; this ain't a fairytale.

Take care, build your own support, and stop, just stop giving warmth to everyone. For then, you're delving into voluntary amputation.

– take care of yourself

* * *

Разговор на детской площадке между моей дочерью Амелией и девочкой Ксюшей:

– Амелия, не обращай внимания на этого мальчика, у него есть ещё сестра, они оба глупые, прям глупые!

Я сидела на скамейке у дерева и с особым интересом читала очередную книгу, но поучительные реплики столь юного создания мне показались более заманчивыми. И я, как истинный философ, наблюдающий и описывающий устройство этого мира, тихонечко подошла. Не могла справиться с диким любопытством, мне нужно было узнать, по каким критериям семилетняя девочка Ксюша мерит такое качество человека, как глупость.

– А почему они глупые? – с добротой в голосе задала вопрос, чтоб не спугнуть малышку.

– Он и его сестра всегда охотятся на голубей и хотят их убить. А ещё, когда этот мальчик крутит качели и его просишь остановить в определённый момент, он не останавливается.

Как тонко. Мать вашу.

– глупые люди

*

A conversation at a playground, between my daughter Amelia and a girl named Ksenia:

– Amelia, pay no attention to that boy. He has a sister. And both of them are stupid. Just plain stupid!

I sat on a bench by the tree, immersed in a new book, but such pedagogical remarks from such a young creation won my interest. Just like a true philosopher, which observes and describes the ways of the world, I quietly came closer.

I couldn’t resist my wild curiosity, I needed to know by what criteria a seven-year-old girl could measure such a human trait as complex as stupidity.

– Why do you think they are stupid? – I asked kindly, hoping not to scare the child off.

– He and his sister are always hunting pigeons. They want to kill them. And also, when he’s spinning you on a swing, and you ask him to stop, he doesn’t.

That was one hell of a definition. Damn it.

– stupid people

* * *

Сильные люди стараются отдать, слабые – брать. Помня это, ты всегда можешь с лёгкостью определить психологических вампиров даже в самой изысканной завуалированной форме, будь они в розовых пакетиках, обольстительно перевязаны атласными бантами с ароматом ванили, дерева и табака.

Если человек духовно или физически слаб, вся потребность его сущности не выйдет за рамки штрафного круга и сводится к одному ритуальному переигрыванию: брать, брать, брать – эмоциями, деньгами, манипуляциями, сплетнями, интригами.

Если силён – отдавать: радостью, заботой, искренностью, способностью держать удар, вдохновением, любовью и теми же деньгами.

– и теми же деньгами

*

Strong people try to give, the weak seek only to take. Remember that, and you will see the vampires, even in their most seductive form: even when they are veiled in satin bows, pink bags, drenched in the fragrance of vanilla, wood and tobacco.