Mr. Knightley’s Diary

A letter from Highbury arrived this morning.

"It is from Miss Bates," said Isabella, recognizing the hand.

I picked up my newspaper and hid my face behind it. I did not want her to see my expression when she read the letter, for I was sure it would contain news of Emma’s betrothal.

As she began to read, I could scarcely breathe.

"Mother well - Jane still in low spirits - new gloves for Mrs. Cole - Mrs. Churchill dead."

Isabella stopped short. "Mrs. Churchill dead!"

I did not know what the information would mean for Emma. Would it delay her marriage, whilst the period of mourning was observed, or speed it, as Mrs. Churchill could not put any obstacles in the way?

Isabella was so shocked by the news that, fortunately, she did not notice my silence. She began to read Miss Bates’s letter more slowly: "We were all very shocked to hear it. Poor lady! It seems she was very ill after all. Mr. Churchill is better than can be expected - the funeral is to be in Yorkshire. Mother is so shocked! And poor Jane can hardly speak. She has been very ill, I fear. Perry is worried about her. She has a terrible headache -  Poor Jane," said Isabella, breaking off from reading the letter. "She is worried about her future, no doubt."

"No doubt," I managed to say.

I had recovered myself sufficiently to join in with the conversation, and the subject occupied us for the rest of the day.

Friday 2 July

I could not settle to anything. Emma is to marry Frank Churchill. It is as certain as the sun rising. I live in dread of the letter bearing the news, but a letter has not arrived. Emma will write to Isabella as soon as it is arranged, I am sure. Until then I am in torment. And afterwards…? I dare not think of it.

Saturday 3 July

I had luncheon at my club, with Routledge. As we finished our meal, I found him watching me curiously.

"Well?" he said.

"Well?" I asked.

"Out with it."

"Out with what?"

"Whatever it is that is bothering you," he said. "It must be something important, for you have not listened to a word I have said. You have answered me in an abstracted manner, and nothing you have said has made sense."

"Nothing is bothering me," I answered testily.

"You might as well make up your mind to tell me, because I will hound you until you do. I am tired of looking at your long face and hearing your sighs! It is not like you."

"I do not sigh!" I protested.

"I distinctly heard you as you ate your beef. You sighed."

I gave a deep sigh - then was angry with myself.

"Hah!" said Routledge. "There you are! It is as I said! You sighed. Well?"

I could not hide it from him any longer, nor did I wish to, for I needed to unburden myself.

"You were right." I said.

"About?"

"About Emma. Everything you said was true. I am in love with her. I cannot think why I did not see it sooner. I have been blind. She is the very woman for me."

"At last! I have been waiting for you to see it for months. Well, when are you going to marry her?"

"Never. I have missed my chance. She is going to marry Frank Churchill."

"Is she indeed?" he asked in surprise. "What busy lives you lead in Surrey! It is only a few months ago that you told me she was going to marry Elton. Elton, on the other hand, was going to marry Harriet - in Emma’s mind - but instead he went to Bath and came home with Augusta. It is as bad as A

Midsummer Night’s Dream. Are you sure there are no fairies in Highbury, who are making you their sport? It seems very like it. I expect to hear next that Jane Fairfax is about to marry Mr. Longridge, or that Miss Bates is engaged to Mr. Woodhouse."

I smiled despite myself.

"That is better," said Routledge. "A long face never helped anyone. Come now, tell me, what makes you think Emma is going to marry Churchill?"

"There is an understanding between them. From things she has said - things she has done - I asked her if she knew his mind on a certain subject, and she said she was convinced of it. In short, I thought he seemed to be casting glances at Jane Fairfax, some time ago, but Emma said she was sure of him. It was an intimate matter, one that would not have been spoken of if there had not been an engagement."

"And so they have announced their betrothal."

"I am expecting it any day, although it may be delayed as Mrs. Churchill has just died."

"Then, if it is as certain as you say, you had better marry Jane Fairfax instead."

"I have already thought about it, but I cannot do it."

"Why not? She is an attractive young woman, well-bred, agreeable and in need of a home."

"I cannot marry her for those reasons. Befriend her, help her - yes. But marry her? No."

"Then you had best see to your repairs at the Abbey, for it seems your nephew will inherit it, after all."

"It seems so." I remembered that Routledge sometimes saw John, and said: "You will say nothing of this to John? He does not know that I am in love with Emma. I can stand your rough concern, but if my brother knew, he would tell Isabella, and I cannot stand Isabella’s sympathy."