Mr. Darcy's Diary

‘Yes. Miss Elizabeth Bennet. She was of the opinion it was interference as well. Oh, never fear,’ he said, as he saw my expression. ‘I gave her no particulars, only that you had saved Bingley from a disastrous match. I did not mention the lady’s name, indeed I did not know it. You need not be afraid that she might have known the family.’

I said nothing. Indeed, I was too horrified to speak. So Elizabeth had heard of my meddling, and she had heard of it in a congratulatory fashion, with my cousin, in all innocence, telling her how useful I had been.

It is small wonder she had been so angry with me at the parsonage. I only wonder now that she was not even angrier. I begin to see clearly why she refused me. And to see that, through my own pride, arrogance and folly, I have lost the woman I love.

July

Friday 4th July

I am unsure how to act. If I tell Bingley that Miss Bennet is partial to him, then I may do more harm than good. It is now more than two months since I spoke to Elizabeth on the subject, and it is possible that in that time, Jane has found another young man to love. I have decided that I will not tell him of Miss Bennet’s affections, but I will encourage him to return to Netherfield after his visit to Pemberley. If she has any feelings for him, he will soon discover it.

When Elizabeth berated me for her sister’s unhappiness I thought it a lesser charge than her berating me for Wickham’s misfortunes, but I begin to think it was not so. I now know something of what Jane suffered, having felt the pain of rejection myself. If I have caused her to feel the emptiness I have felt for the last two months then I am truly sorry.

Monday 7th July

‘How quiet we are now that Mr Bingley and his sisters have gone to visit their cousin,’ said Mrs Annesley as we sat together after dinner this evening.

‘We will be seeing them again before long,’ said Georgiana, as she sat by the window with her needlework.

‘They are coming to Pemberley with us.’

‘I am looking forward to seeing Pemberley,’ said Mrs Annesley. ‘I understand it is a very fine estate.’

By this gentle sentence she persuaded my sister to tell her about it, and I thought how lucky I had been to find her. She has helped Georgiana to grow in confidence, and between us we will steer my sister towards a safe and happy womanhood.

Tuesday 8th July

I returned to Pemberley today, as I wanted to give Mrs Reynolds news of my impending visit, and to let her know how many guests I will be bringing. I could have written, but our conversation last night filled me with a longing to see it again.

As I turned in at the lodge and rode through the park I could not help thinking: Here I could have brought Elizabeth. I rode through the wood, following the trail upwards until I reached the top. I reined in my horse and let my eyes rest on Pemberley House, at the far side of the valley. My gaze ran over the house, its mellow stone glowing in the sunlight; on the stream in front of it; and on the wooded ridge behind.

Of all this Elizabeth could have been the mistress. But she had refused my hand. She had not allowed any considerations of position or wealth to sway her, and I honoured her for it. I did not know another woman who would have acted in such a way.

I felt again all the misery and pain of having lost her.

I rode on, descending the hill and crossing the bridge before riding to the door. As I dismounted, and stood before the house, I realized how much I would have valued her as my wife; how the liveliness of her spirits would have softened my own, and her lack of improper pride tempered mine.

I went in. I found the house well cared for, and Mrs Reynolds was pleased to know that I will be visiting with a party of friends in August.

‘It will be good to see Miss Georgiana again, sir.’

‘She is looking forward to being here. She misses Pemberley.’

If Elizabeth had accepted my hand, Georgiana would be living here again, not on her own, but with her family. She and Elizabeth would have been sisters…but I must not torture myself.

I went round the home farm with Johnson, and saw the repairs he had commissioned. He is an asset to the estate, and I am glad to have him.

When I returned to the house, Mrs Reynolds had drawn up a plan of the rooms, allotting to Bingley and his sisters their usual chambers. They will be staying with me on my return. She had also drawn up a selection of menus. I gave them my approval, and spent the evening in discussing with her some changes I would like to see in the east wing, before retiring to bed.

Friday 18th July

I returned to town, and mean to finish my business before spending the rest of the summer at Pemberley.

Saturday 19th July

I was surprised to see Bingley today, when I was riding in the park.

‘I thought you were visiting your cousin,’ I said to him.

‘I was, but I have come back a week early. You are right about me, you see, I have no constancy.’

I was glad of the opening this offered me.

‘I thought, in one matter, perhaps you had,’ I ventured.

‘Oh?’