Mr. Darcy's Diary

I wished she would not talk of the Bennets, but I could not stop her without it seeming particular. I did not like to hear her abusing Miss Lydia Bennet, no matter how justified her censure. To abuse someone else never sounds well.

As I thought it, I felt myself grow uneasy. I had abused Lydia in just such a way, and to her sister. It was small wonder that Elizabeth had not liked to hear it. I had congratulated myself at the time for my honesty, but I began to agree with my cousin, that some things, no matter how truthful, are better left unsaid.

‘Her father no doubt feels the sea air will do the family good,’ I remarked.

But Caroline was not to be quelled.

‘Her father does not take her. He does not like to take any trouble where his family are concerned.’

‘He has let her go to Brighton in the care of her mother?’ I asked, before I could stop myself.

‘Lydia does not go with her mother. She goes alone, in the company of Colonel and Mrs Forster.’

I could not believe that even Mr Bennet would be so negligent as to let a girl of Lydia’s temperament go to a watering-place without her family. She would surely disgrace them, and thereby disgrace Elizabeth. My poor Elizabeth! How I felt for her, and how I railed against the injustice of the situation. Her name would be tarnished by a sister over whom she had no control.

And yet, unjust though it was, had I not tarnished her with the faults of her family, and had I not told her that she was beneath my notice because her sisters behaved badly?

I find it difficult to believe that I was so ungenerous, but I know that such was the case.

What was it she said to me? That I was ungentlemanlike? How well the remark was deserved. If I had been going to tell her that I never wished to see her again, then there might have been an excuse for letting her see in what low esteem I held her, but to tell her she was not my equal, to say that I would be lowering myself to connect myself to her, and then to have the audacity to ask for her hand! And to ask for it in such a way, as though I had every expectation of being accepted! I cannot believe that I, who have always prided myself on my fairness and good judgement, could have behaved so badly.

To divert Caroline from any further discussion of the Bennets, I asked her about her brother. She told me of his affairs in the north, and said how pleased they were to be invited to Pemberley again for the summer.

I watched Bingley as we spoke of general matters, interested to see if he singled out any young lady for his attentions. Again, he did not. He spoke to every young lady there, he laughed and was gay, and yet there was something in his manner that was reserved, as though he held some small part of himself back.

‘Does your brother have a flirt in the north?’ I asked Caroline.

‘No. No one has taken his fancy.’

‘You do not think he still has feelings for Miss Bennet?’

‘None in the world,’ she answered decidedly.

But I think she is wrong. I mean to watch him to make sure, but once I am convinced, I mean to speak to him and tell him that I was wrong about Jane being indifferent to him. I must mend the damage I have done.

Monday 23rd June

I presented Georgiana with a new parasol this morning, and I was pleased to see how much pleasure it gave her.

The colour was particularly becoming to her complexion.

As I thought this, I could not help my thoughts going to Elizabeth. Her complexion was always healthy. She liked the outdoors, and was always walking, which brightened her eyes and made her face glow.

Where is she now? Is she at Longbourn? Does she think of me? Does she despise me, or has she forgiven me?

Wednesday 25th June

I am now convinced that Bingley is still in love with Jane Bennet. I have watched him for more than six weeks, and I know that the time is fast approaching when I must tell him what I have done. To take it upon myself to tell him whom he should and should not marry was an act of arrogance, and to employ the art of deceit to carry my way was impertinence of the worst kind.

‘You look pensive, Darcy,’ said Colonel Fitzwilliam, coming up beside me. ‘Has Bingley done something to worry you?’

‘No. It is I who have done something to worry him.’

‘Oh?’

‘I think I spoke to you once of a friend I had saved from a disastrous marriage. I am beginning to think I was wrong to interfere.’

‘It seemed to me as though you had done him a service.’

‘And so I thought, at the time, but he has lost his interest in young ladies since then.’

‘The young man was Bingley, was he not?’

I admitted it.

‘He is young. He will find someone else.’

‘I am not so sure. At the time I thought I was acting through kindness, but I see it differently now. It was interference.’

‘Then you are in harmony with Miss Bennet!’

‘Miss Bennet?’ I asked.