Making Money

Adora Belle lit a fresh cigarette. Moist pointed to a sign which said ‘If you are smoking, thank you for being beaten about the head.’

‘That’s just for show,’ said Adora Belle, expelling a stream of blue smoke. ‘All wizards smoke like chimneys.’

‘Not in here, I notice,’ said Moist, ‘and possibly this is because of all the highly inflammable books? It might be a good idea to—’

He felt the swish of air and got a whiff of rainforest as something heavy swung overhead and disappeared upwards into the gloom, now trailing a stream of blue smoke.

‘Hey, someone took my—’ Adora Belle began, but Moist pushed her out of the way as the thing swung back again and a banana knocked his hat off.

‘They are a bit more definite about things here,’ he said, picking up his hat. ‘If it’s any comfort, the Librarian probably intended to hit me. He can be quite gallant.’

‘Ah, you’re Mr Lipwig, I recognize the suit!’ said an elderly wizard, who clearly hoped he was appearing as if by magic but in fact had appeared by stepping out from behind a bookcase. ‘I know I am the Chair of Indefinite Studies here, for my sins. And you, ahaha, by a process of elimination, will be Miss Dearheart, who remembers the Cabinet of Curiosity?’ The Chair of Indefinite Studies stepped closer and looked conspiratorial. He lowered his voice. ‘I wonder if I can persuade you to forget about it?’

‘Not a chance,’ said Adora Belle.

‘We like to think of it as one of our better-kept secrets, you see …’

‘Good. I’ll help you keep it,’ said Adora Belle.

‘Nothing I could say could change your mind?’

‘I don’t know,’ said Adora Belle. ‘Abracadabra, maybe? Got your spell book?’ Moist was impressed at that. She could be so … spiky.

‘Oh … that type of lady,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies wearily. ‘Modern. Oh well, I suppose you’d better come with me, then.’

‘What’s this all about, please?’ hissed Moist, as they followed the wizard.

‘I need something translated,’ said Adora Belle, ‘in a hurry.’

‘Aren’t you glad to see me?’

‘Oh yes. Lots. But I need something translated in a hurry.’

‘And this cabinet thing can help?’

‘Perhaps.’

‘Perhaps? “Perhaps” could wait until after lunch, couldn’t it? If it was “Definitely”, now, I could have seen the point—’

‘Oh dear, I’m afraid I’m lost again, and through no fault of my own, I might add,’ grumbled the Chair of Indefinite Studies. ‘I’m afraid they keep changing the parameters and they do leak so. I don’t know, what with one thing and another you can’t call your door your own these days …’

‘What were your sins?’ said Moist, giving up on Adora Belle.

‘Pardon? Oh dear, what is that stain on the ceiling? Probably best not to know …’

‘What were the sins you committed in order to become the Chair of Indefinite Studies?’ Moist persisted.

‘Oh, I just tend to say that for something to say,’ said the wizard, opening a door and slamming it again quickly. ‘But right now I’m inclined to think I must have committed a few, and they must have been whoppers. It’s quite unbearable at the moment, of course. They’re saying that everything in the whole wretched universe is technically indefinable, but what am I supposed to do about it? And of course this damn Cabinet is playing havoc with the place again. I thought we’d seen the last of it fifteen years ago … Oh, yes, mind the squid, we’re a bit puzzled about that, actually… Ah, here’s the right door.’ The Chair sniffed. ‘And it’s twenty-five feet away from where it ought to be. What did I tell you …’

The door opened and then it was just a matter of knowing where to start. Moist opted for letting his jaw drop, which was clean and simple.

The room was bigger than it ought to be. No room ought to be more than a mile across, especially when from outside in the corridor, which was quite ordinary if you ignored the giant squid, it appeared to have perfectly normal rooms on either side of it. It shouldn’t have a ceiling so high that you couldn’t see it, either. It simply should not fit.

‘It’s quite easy to do this, actually,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies as they stared. ‘At least, so they tell me,’ he added wistfully. ‘Apparently, if you shrink time you can expand space.’

‘How do they do that?’ Moist asked, staring at the … structure that was the Cabinet of Curiosity.

‘I’m proud to say I haven’t got the faintest idea,’ said the Chair. ‘Frankly, I’m afraid I got rather lost round about the time we stopped using dribbly candles. I know it’s technically my department but I find it best just to let them get on with it. They do insist on trying to explain things, which of course does not help …’