Making Money

The ring of Vetinari. Vetinari’s signet ring. Such a small thing, and yet so powerful. It was entirely without ornamentation unless you counted the tiny border to the cartouche which surrounded, sharply incised and serifed, the single letter:

V

He could only guess at all the things his secretary had had to do to get it. He’d had a replica made, ‘reversed-devised’, whatever that was, from the wax seals it had so impressively stamped. And there had been bribes (expensive ones) and hints of hasty meetings and cautious exchanges and last-minute changes to get the replica exactly right—

And here the real one was, on his finger. Very much on his finger in fact. From Cosmo’s point of view Vetinari had very slender fingers for a man, and getting the ring over the knuckle had been a real effort. Heretofore had fretted about getting it enlarged, foolishly not realizing that this would completely ruin it. The magic, and surely Vetinari had a magic all his own, would leak out. It wouldn’t be totally the real thing any more.

Yes, it had hurt like hell for a few days, but now he was floating above the pain, in a clear blue sky.

He prided himself he was no fool. He’d have known at once if his secretary had tried to palm him off with a mere copy. The shock that went up his arm when he slid the ring, all right forced the ring over the knuckle was enough to tell him that he had got the real thing. Already he could feel his thoughts getting sharper and faster.

He brushed a forefinger across the deeply cut V and looked up at Drumk— at Heretofore.

‘You seem concerned, Heretofore,’ he said kindly.

‘The finger has gone very white, sir. Almost pale blue. Are you sure it doesn’t hurt?’

‘Not a bit. I feel … utterly in control. You seem very … worried lately, Heretofore. Are you well?’

‘Um … fine, sir,’ said Heretofore.

‘You must understand I sent Mr Cranberry with you for the best of reasons,’ said Cosmo. ‘Morpeth would have told someone, sooner or later, however much you paid him.’

‘But the boy in the hat shop—’

‘Exactly the same situation. And it was a fair fight. Was that not so, Cranberry?’

Cranberry’s shiny bald head looked up from his book. ‘Yes, sir. He was armed.’

‘Bu—’ Heretofore began.

‘Yes?’ said Cosmo calmly.

‘Er … nothing, sir. You are right, of course.’ In possession of a small knife and very drunk. Heretofore wondered how much that counted against a professional killer.

‘I am, aren’t I?’ said Cosmo in a kindly voice, ‘and you are excellent at what you do. As is Cranberry. I shall have another little quest for you soon, I feel it. Now do go and get your supper.

As Heretofore opened the door Cranberry glanced up at Cosmo, who shook his head almost imperceptibly. Unfortunately for Heretofore, he had excellent peripheral vision.

He’s going to find out, he’s going to find out, he’s going to find oouuuttt!!! he moaned to himself as he scurried along the corridors. It’s the damn ring, that’s what it is! It’s not my fault Vetinari has thin fingers! He would have smelled a rat if the bloody thing had fitted! Why didn’t he let me have it made bigger? Hah, and if I had he’d have sent Cranberry along later to murder the jeweller! I know he’ll send him after me, I know it!

Cranberry frightened Heretofore. The man was quietly spoken and modestly dressed. And when Cosmo did not require his services he sat and read books all day. That upset Heretofore. If the man were an illiterate thug things would, in some strange way, have been better, more … understandable. The man apparently had no body hair, too, and the gleam from his head could blind you in sunlight.

And it had all begun with a lie. Why had Cosmo believed him? Because he was mad, but regrettably not all the time; he was a sort of hobby madman. He had this … thing about Lord Vetinari.

Heretofore hadn’t spotted that at first, he’d just wondered why Cosmo had fussed about his height at the job interview. And when Heretofore had told him he’d worked at the palace he’d been hired on the spot.

And that was the lie, right there, although Heretofore preferred to think of it as an unfortunate conjunction of two truths.

Heretofore had indeed been employed for a while at the palace, and thus far Cosmo had not found out that this was as a gardener. He had been a minor secretary at the Armourers’ Guild before that, which was why he’d felt confident in saying ‘I was a minor secretary and I was employed at the palace’, a phrase that he felt Lord Vetinari would have examined with more care than the delighted Cosmo had done. And now here he was, advising a very important and clever man on the basis of as much rumour as he could remember or, in desperation, make up. And he was getting away with it. In his everyday business dealings Cosmo was cunning, ruthless and sharp as a tack, but when it came to anything to do with Vetinari he was as credulous as a child.