Life, the Universe and Everything

– Maybe, - said Marvin with unexpected authority in his lugubrious voice, - it would be better if you monitored them from here. That young girl, - he added unexpectedly, - is one of the least benightedly unintelligent life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.

Zaphod took a moment or two to find his way through this labyrinthine string of negatives and emerged at the other end with surprise.

– Trillian? - he said. - She’s just a kid. Cute, yeah, but temperamental. You know how it is with women. Or perhaps you don’t. I assume you don’t. If you do I don’t want to hear about it. Plug us in.

–…totally manipulated.

– What? - said Zaphod.

It was Trillian speaking. He turned round.

The wall against which the Krikkit robot was sobbing had lit up to reveal a scene taking place in some other unknown part of the Krikkit Robot War zones. It seemed to be a council chamber of some kind - Zaphod couldn’t make it out too clearly because of the robot slumped against the screen.

He tried to move the robot, but it was heavy with its grief and tried to bite him, so he just looked around as best he could.

– Just think about it, - said Trillian’s voice, - your history is just a series of freakishly improbable events. And I know an improbable event when I see one. Your complete isolation from the Galaxy was freakish for a start. Right out on the very edge with a Dust Cloud around you. It’s a set-up. Obviously.

Zaphod was mad with frustration because he couldn’t see the screen. The robot’s head was obscuring his view of the people Trillian as talking to, his multi-functional battleclub was obscuring the background, and the elbow of the arm it had pressed tragically against its brow was obscuring Trillian herself.

– Then, - said Trillian, - this spaceship that crash-landed on your planet. That’s really likely, isn’t it? Have you any idea of what the odds are against a drifting spaceship accidentally intersecting with the orbit of a planet?

– Hey, - said Zaphod, - she doesn’t know what the zark she’s talking about. I’ve seen that spaceship. It’s a fake. No deal.

– I thought it might be, - said Marvin from his prison behind Zaphod.

– Oh yeah, - said Zaphod. - It’s easy for you to say that. I just told you. Anyway, I don’t see what it’s got to do with anything.

– And especially, - continued Trillian, - the odds against it intersecting with the orbit of the one planet in the Galaxy, or the whole of the Universe as far as I know, that would be totally traumatized to see it. You don’t know what the odds are? Nor do I, they’re that big. Again, it’s a set-up. I wouldn’t be surprised if that spaceship was just a fake.

Zaphod managed to move the robot’s battleclub. Behind it on the screen were the figures of Ford, Arthur and Slartibartfast who appeared astonished and bewildered by the whole thing.

– Hey, look, - said Zaphod excitedly. - The guys are doing great. Ra ra ra! Go get ‘em, guys.

– And what about, - said Trillian, - all this technology you suddenly managed to build for yourselves almost overnight? Most people would take thousands of years to do all that. Someone was feeding you what you needed to know, someone was keeping you at it.

– I know, I know, - she added in response to an unseen interruption, - I know you didn’t realize it was going on. This is exactly my point. You never realized anything at all. Like this Supernova Bomb.

– How do you know about that? - said an unseen voice.

– I just know, - said Trillian. - You expect me to believe that you are bright enough to invent something that brilliant and be too dumb to realize it would take you with it as well? That’s not just stupid, that is spectacularly obtuse.

– Hey, what’s this bomb thing? - said Zaphod in alarm to Marvin.

– The supernova bomb? - said Marvin. - It’s a very, very small bomb.

– Yeah?

– That would destroy the Universe in toto, - added Marvin. - Good idea, if you ask me. They won’t get it to work, though.

– Why not, if it’s so brilliant?

– It’s brilliant, - said Marvin, - they’re not. They got as far as designing it before they were locked in the envelope. They’ve spent the last five years building it. They think they’ve got it right but they haven’t. They’re as stupid as any other organic life form. I hate them.

Trillian was continuing.

Zaphod tried to pull the Krikkit robot away by its leg, but it kicked and growled at him, and then quaked with a fresh outburst of sobbing. Then suddenly it slumped over and continued to express its feelings out of everybody’s way on the floor.

Trillian was standing alone in the middle of the chamber tired out but with fiercely burning eyes.

Ranged in front of her were the pale-faced and wrinkled Elder Masters of Krikkit, motionless behind their widely curved control desk, staring at her with helpless fear and hatred.