Life, the Universe and Everything

– Well, in the few skirmishes they’ve had recently, it seems that they go into battle, raise their weapons to fire and suddenly think, why bother? What, cosmically speaking, is it all about? And they just seem to get a little tired and a little grim.

– And then what do they do?

– Er, quadratic equations mostly, sir. Fiendishly difficult ones by all accounts. And then they sulk.

– Sulk?

– Yes, sir.

– Whoever heard of a robot sulking?

– I don’t know, sir.

– What was that noise?

It was the noise of Zaphod leaving with his head spinning.

Chapter 31

In a deep well of darkness a crippled robot sat. It had been silent in its metallic darkness for some time. It was cold and damp, but being a robot it was supposed not to be able to notice these things. With an enormous effort of will, however, it did manage to notice them.

Its brain had been harnessed to the central intelligence core of the Krikkit War Computer. It wasn’t enjoying the experience, and neither was the central intelligence core of the Krikkit War Computer.

The Krikkit robots which had salvaged this pathetic metal creature from the swamps of Squornshellous Zeta had recognized almost immediately its gigantic intelligence, and the use which this could be to them.

They hadn’t reckoned with the attendant personality disorders, which the coldness, the darkness, the dampness, the crampedness and the loneliness were doing nothing to decrease.

It was not happy with its task.

Apart from anything else, the mere coordination of an entire planet’s military strategy was taking up only a tiny part of its formidable mind, and the rest of it had become extremely bored. Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except his own, three times over, he was severely stuck for something to do, and had taken up composing short dolorous ditties of no tone, or indeed tune. The latest one was a lullaby.

Marvin droned:

Now the world has gone to bed,

Darkness won’t engulf my head,

I can see by infra-red,

How I hate the night.

He paused to gather the artistic and emotional strength to tackle the next verse.

Now I lay me down to sleep,

Try to count electric sheep,

Sweet dream wishes you can keep,

How I hate the night.

– Marvin! - hissed a voice.

His head snapped up, almost dislodging the intricate network of electrodes which connected him to the central Krikkit War Computer.

An inspection hatch had opened and one of a pair of unruly heads was peering through whilst the other kept on jogging it by continually darting to look this way and that extremely nervously.

– Oh, it’s you, - muttered the robot. - I might have known.

– Hey, kid, - said Zaphod in astonishment, - was that you singing just then?

– I am, - Marvin acknowledged bitterly, - in particularly scintillating form at the moment.

Zaphod poked his head in through the hatchway and looked around.

– Are you alone? - he said.

– Yes, - said Marvin. - Wearily I sit here, pain and misery my only companions. And vast intelligence of course. And infinite sorrow. And…

– Yeah, - said Zaphod. - Hey, what’s your connection with all this?

– This, - said Marvin, indicating with his less damaged arm all the electrodes which connected him with the Krikkit computer.

– Then, - said Zaphod awkwardly, - I guess you must have saved my life. Twice.

– Three times, - said Marvin.

Zaphod’s head snapped round (his other one was looking hawkishly in entirely the wrong direction) just in time to see the lethal killer robot directly behind him seize up and start to smoke. It staggered backwards and slumped against a wall. It slid down it. It slipped sideways, threw its head back and started to sob inconsolably.

Zaphod looked back at Marvin.

– You must have a terrific outlook on life, - he said.

– Just don’t even ask, - said Marvin.

– I won’t, - said Zaphod, and didn’t. - Hey look, - he added, - you’re doing a terrific job.

– Which means, I suppose, - said Marvin, requiring only one ten thousand million billion trillion grillionth part of his mental powers to make this particular logical leap, - that you’re not going to release me or anything like that.

– Kid, you know I’d love to.

– But you’re not going to.

– No.

– I see.

– You’re working well.

– Yes, - said Marvin. - Why stop now just when I’m hating it?

– I got to find Trillian and the guys. Hey, you any idea where they are? I mean, I just got a planet to choose from. Could take a while.

– They are very close, - said Marvin dolefully. - You can monitor them from here if you like.

– I better go get them, - asserted Zaphod. - Er, maybe they need some help, right?