Lament for a lost lover

It was one summer day. I was in the garden picking roses and I thought suddenly of another occasion when I had been similarly engaged and when Carleton had come upon me there and how we had talked and bantered and he had asked me to marry him. The scene of the roses brought back memories of that day vividly and the excitement I felt even though I had pretended not to want him. Then I went on to think of our marriage and the sudden awakening of what was new and exciting in our relationship. What had happened to that now? Perhaps it was impossible to keep passion at such fever heat. Perhaps there had been nothing deeper than that. I kept comparing my relationship with Carleton to that which I had shared with Edwin. How romantic my first marriage had seemed, how perfect! And how foolish of me to think it was so! It has been a sham from the beginning. And yet I could not forget it. It had done something to me. People were affected by experiences, naturally. They became warped and suspicious. That was how I had become with Carleton.

The scent of roses, the heat of the sun on my hands, the buzzing of bees, and memories carried on the warm summer air ... and then suddenly ... it happened. I was not sure what it was. Except that I fell towards the rosebush and the sky began to recede further and further away. I had put my hand to my sleeve and touched something warm and sticky ... I was aware of looking my hands ... They were as red as the roses in my basket. I was lying against the rosebush, slipping silently into the grass. It seemed to take a long time and then there was nothing.

I was in someone’s arms being carried. Carleton, I heard a child’s voice screaming:

“I didn’t do it. I didn’t. I didn’t.” Vaguely I thought: That is Leigh. Then a voice - Jasper’s.

“You godless imp. You’ve killed the mistress.”

After that the darkness was complete.

I was aware of Carleton all the time. Carleton talking, Carleton bending over me, Carleton angry. “How could this have happened? By God, I’m going to find out ...” Carleton tender. “Arabella, my darling, darling Arabella ...”

And awakening suddenly, a small figure at my bedside. “I didn’t do it. I didn’t.

I didn’t. It came right over my head. It did. It did.”

The light was dim. I opened my eyes.

“Leigh,” I said. “Little Leigh?”

A hot hand seeking my free one. I seemed to have lost the other.

“I didn’t do it. I didn’t. I didn’t.”

Then: “Come away, Leigh.” That was Sally’s voice, gentle, understanding. “She knows you didn’t.”

“Leigh,” I said. “I know.”

Sally said softly: “Poor mite. Brokenhearted he is. They think it was him taking potshots at the pigeons.”

I knew then that I had been shot. As I had put up my hand to pluck the red roses the pellets had entered my arm.

The doctor had removed the pellets. They had been deeply imbedded it seemed, and that was why I had been so ill.

It was a blessing, they said, that they had struck me in the arm.

Carleton was often at my bedside and I felt a great comfort to see him there. It was three days before he told me. Then I had recovered from the fever which the operation of taking the pellets away had caused.

“I shall never forget it,” he said. “Leigh screaming and running and seeing you there on the grass. I was ready to kill the stupid boy ... but I have my doubts now. Do you remember what happened?”

“No. I was picking roses. It was warm and sunny and now and then I heard the sound of shooting. There is nothing exceptional about that. Then it happened... I didn’t know what it was at first. I heard the shouting and I realized there was blood ...”

“So you saw no one?”

“No one at all.”

“Not before you started picking the roses?”

“No. I don’t remember.”

Carleton was silent. “I’ve been very worried, Arabella.”

“Oh, Carleton. I’m glad. I’m so glad you care enough to be worried.”

“Care enough! What are you talking about? Aren’t you my wife? Aren’t I your loving husband?”

“My husband, yes. Loving ... I’m not sure ...”

“Things have been difficult lately, I know. I expect it’s my fault. All that fuss about the child we lost ... as though it was your fault.”

“I understand your disappointment, Carleton. I’ve been touchy, anxious, I suppose, disappointed in myself for having disappointed you.”

“Foolish pair! We have so much. It makes one realize it when one comes near to losing it.”

He bent over me and kissed me. “Get well quickly, Arabella. Be your old self. Flash your eyes, scorn me, lash me with your tongue... Make it like it used to be. That’s what I want.”

“Have I been too gentle?”

“Aloof,” he said, “as though there is something keeping us apart. There isn’t, is there?”

“Nothing that I have put there.”

“Then there is nothing.”