Journeys into the bright world

Marcia. I have learned not to try so hard to determine where the experience is going to take me. It's like dreaming. It's hard to decide what you're going to dream. But I do have a particular thing to look into about my body… Two minutes and I'm well into it. This is a very noisy silence. All kinds of sounds going on. Everything becomes intensified. The waterbed is almost too hot… Now I'm getting into the archetypes. There's always that throbbing, pulsating, vibrating undertone. It's so hard to write about it and make the words sound like the vibrations of what you feel. But vibrations are all there is. Everything is a vibration. And to me now there is a complete synchrony between vibrations and wings. I just love wings.

Howard. I know.

Marcia. When I went to get Christmas cards I didn't want to buy any because they were all Walt Disneyish critters. I wanted angels with wings. You can't imagine how much I love wings.

Howard. That's because you want to fly.

Marcia. To me wings, white and gold wings, mean flying, transcendence, vibrations, doves and feathers. It's amazing how often feathers come into the experience. Now I'm right in between. This is such a soft gentle place. To be in the middle. It's like cotton batting. It's very hard to maintain it. I'm like a seamstress trying to sew together the seams of these two worlds. It's so very hard to pull them together. And there are all those auditory sensations now-together forever, together forever. I've been deeper than this before.

Howard. Well, you've just eaten a little bit.

Marcia. Yes, I'm building up a tolerance. This is nice. This is a featherlike realm. Everthing is drenched in a lacework of golden light. Now it's all feeling. It's so good of you to be here with me-just sitting doing nothing.

Howard. It's a medical legal responsibility.

Marcia. And yet feeling is so important. It feels clear. This is so different from all the other trips. This one is a very gentle trip. It's just Christmas and we're together. A little gentle madness. I'm seeing all the pretty hallucinations. This is just the tinsel and the bow; it doesn't mean much. They want me to have a happy Christmas. I'll have to take more to get to the fire lady. This isn't intense. It's just like wispy lace…wings. This is healing. A strange soothing, healing, massaging trip. This is a different trip from any of the others I've been on. Very, very low key.

Howard. You didn't dilute the ketamine, did you?

Marcia. Is this a different kind of ketamine?

Howard. No, its the same fifty milligrams per cubic centimeter.

Marcia. I'm right here. Totally in control of myself.

Howard. It's tolerance.

Marcia. But it's doing something. It's like a very fine angel hair, weaving over me. And there's a piece of me that's needed to be healed, and they're saying, Merry Christmas. We will heal you. Funny, It's my leg. It's been hurting so much and I didn't want to tell you. This really is a truth serum. I didn't want to mention it until after Christmas.

Howard. I think you should relax.

Marcia. What a strange trip. I'm coming out now. It was just like the tinsel and a bow.

Howard. How can you be coming out? It's only fifteen minutes.

Marcia. I'm coming out. It's strange, very, very strange. No fire.

Howard. You're building up a rapid tolerance.

Marcia. I haven't really built up a tolerance.

Howard. You have. You just don't want to admit that you have, but you have.

Marcia. No, I haven't. It's working at the level of the roots. The roots are still searching, searching, searching.

Howard. Where are you now?

Marcia. I'm coming back That was such a strange trip…and a nice one. I felt as though somebody loved me. I think my high self wants me to know that. This is like little Christmas bows. Not very significant. Something that can be discarded. I don't even have to use it for the book. In fact I think I won't. They don't even want me to have to bother with typing it. This is just a little red tinselly bow saying "Merry Christmas, we love you. We're going to be with you for a little while. You and Howard can do your thing together…and then you can come back to us. Have fun." It's pretty and bright.

Howard. Close your eyes and just go with it. You don't have to talk. Just stay with it.

Marcia. This is so different. The Christmas archetype. The spirit of Santa Claus. There's a spirit of Christmas and a spirit of Santa Claus. This has been my spirit of Santa Claus trip. Big Santa Claus in the sky.

Howard. I knew you were going to say that. It's part of Marcia's big sky country.

Marcia. I knew you knew I knew. And so on. (Pause) I wanted Christ, and this trip is Santa Claus. But it's OK.

Howard. You're still well under, but you're resisting it.