I Am a Strange Loop

In my many decades’ worth of episodic memory, there are precedents galore for this episode, if I just “hold it loosely in the mind”. In fact, without making the slightest effort, I find quite a few old memories bubbling up for the first time in many years, such as that time nearly thirty years ago when a very promising young candidate for our faculty seemed so interested but then, to our great surprise, he turned down our exceedingly generous offer. And that time a few years later when an extremely bright grad student of mine got all excited about accompanying me out to California for my sabbatical year but then changed his mind and soon dropped entirely out of sight, never to be heard from again. And then there’s that sad time I was terribly infatuated with that young woman from a far-off land, whose signals to me at first seemed so tinglingly filled with promise, but who then inexplicably drew back a bit, and a week or so later wound up telling me she was involved with someone else (actually, that event happened far more than just once, to my chagrin…).

And so, one by one, all these dusty old “books” are pulled off the shelves of dormancy by the current episode, because this “unprecedented” situation, when it is perceived at an abstract level, when its crust is discarded and its core is distilled, points straight at certain other past sagas stored on the shelves of my “library”, and one after another of them gets pulled out and placed in the limelight of activation. These old sagas, long ago wrapped up in nice neat mental packages, had been idly sitting around on the shelves of my brain, waiting to be triggered if and when “the same thing” should ever happen, in new guise. And, sad to say, it did!

When all this activity has flowed around for a while, with memories triggering memories triggering memories, something slowly settles out — some kind of “precipitate”, to borrow a term from chemistry. In this case, it finally boils down to just one word: “jilted”. Yes, I feel jilted. My research group has been jilted.

What a phenomenal reduction in complexity! We began with an encounter that lasted for hours in two different venues and that involved many people and many thousands of words exchanged and uncountable visual impressions and then some follow-up emails, but in the end the whole thing funneled down to (or should I rather say “fizzled out in”?) just one single very disappointing six-letter word. To be sure, that’s not the only idea I retain from the saga, but “jilt” becomes one of the dominant mental categories with which Nicole’s visit will forever be associated. And of course, the Nicole saga itself gets neatly bound and stored on the shelves of my episodic memory for potential retrieval by this “I” of mine, somewhere further down the line, who knows when or where.

The Central Loop of Cognition

The machinery that underwrites this wonderfully fluid sort of abstract perception and memory retrieval is at least a little bit like what the skeptics above were clamoring for — it is a kind of perception of internal symbolpatterns, rather than the perception of outside events. Someone seems to be looking at configurations of activated symbols and perceiving their essence, thereby triggering the retrieval of other dormant symbols (which, as we have just seen, can be very large structures — memory packages that store entire romantic sagas, for instance), and round and round it all goes, giving rise to a lively cycle of symbolic activity — a smooth but completely improvised symbolic dance.

The stages constituting this cycle of symbol-triggerings may at first strike you as being wildly different from the act of recognizing, say, a magnolia tree in a flood of visual input, since that involves an outside scene being processed, whereas here, by contrast, I’m looking at my own activated symbols dancing and trying to pinpoint the dance’s essence, rather than pinpointing the essence of some external scene. But I would submit that the gap is far smaller than one might at first suppose.

My brain (and yours, too, dear reader) is constantly seeking to label, to categorize, to find precedents and analogues — in other words, to simplify while not letting essence slip away. It carries on this activity relentlessly, not only in response to freshly arriving sensory input but also in response to its own internal dance, and there really is not much of a difference between these two cases, for once sensory input has gotten beyond the retina or the tympani or the skin, it enters the realm of the internal, and from that point on, perception is solely an internal affair.