Gossamer Cord

“She came to my room one night. She said we had always been like one person and if anything happened to her I was to look after her child. I swore I would. When you go…I shall stay here.”

“Violetta, listen to me. That sounds noble, but you can’t shut yourself away down here. It is not fair to you. Oh, if only they’d be sensible and let me take Tristan!”

But I had decided that, whatever the opposition, I must keep my word to Dorabella.

I had a chance to speak to Dermot. He looked strained and all the gaiety was gone from him. His eyes were bloodshot, and I noticed how his hands trembled. I hardly recognized him as the merry, insouciant young man whom we had met in the Böhmerwald.

He kept saying: “I can’t believe it, Violetta. I can’t believe it.”

“Nor I,” I told him.

A wild look came into his eyes. “And, to go that way…” he murmured. “What does it mean?”

I shook my head.

“It’s the same…it’s so strange…How could they both…in the same way?”

“She shouldn’t have gone to bathe.”

“I knew. I didn’t think that could happen. People do bathe in the early morning.” He put his hands over his eyes. “She took to it suddenly. For a week or so before. She used to go down to the beach in the early morning. I was surprised, but she was always surprising me. It was what made her so attractive.”

“Yes, I know. Some idea would come to her and she would be all enthusiasm and then she’d forget all about it.”

He nodded miserably. Poor Dermot. He had really cared deeply for her. I had come to realize that he was rather weak, leaving everything in the hands of Gordon Lewyth, wanting a life devoid of responsibility.

“Dermot,” I said. “There is one thing I want to ask you. It is about Tristan.”

He gazed at me questioningly, with tears in his eyes, and I went on: “Dorabella once spoke to me very seriously. I think she must have had some premonition that she was not going to live. It was just before his birth and I imagined she thought she was not going to survive. She and I were exceptionally close…as twins are sometimes. She asked me if I would look after Tristan if she were not here. We would have taken him back to Caddington with us, but your father does not wish it. But I have given my word to Dorabella and I want to keep it. I must keep it. I want to stay here for a while…to look after Tristan.”

“I am glad,” he said. “I feel that is what she would have wanted.”

“She did want it. She made me swear I would. Dermot, will it be all right for me to stay until I can work something out? At the moment I feel so muddled and uncertain about everything. But if I may just stay…”

“But of course. You will be very welcome.”

“If you would tell Matilda and your father that Dorabella particularly wanted me to be with the boy…”

“I will speak to my father and Matilda.” He looked suddenly resolute. “I know it would be what Dorabella would have wanted. Thank you, Violetta. I am glad you will stay.”

My parents left soon after that. They were reluctant to leave me, but everything was so inconclusive. How long did I intend to stay, my mother was wondering. She said I was putting myself into a backwater. She would be thinking that Richard Dorrington could help me to grow away from this terrible grief. At times like this it was better to look ahead to the future.

The baby was too young to miss his mother, and Nanny Crabtree was remaining. She thought in due course the Tregarlands might realize that Tristan would be better off with his maternal grandparents.

When I had said goodbye to them, I felt very melancholy and went to the nursery to see Tristan.

It brought me comfort to hold him in my arms. Nanny Crabtree stood by watching. We were her children…myself as well as Tristan, and she knew what the loss of Dorabella meant to me.

She said: “He knows you. Look at his little face. You and me, Miss Violetta, we’ll see that he’s all right.”

A few days after my parents returned I received a letter from Richard.

My dearest,

I have been talking to your parents. What a terrible tragedy this is! I have heard that you intend to stay with the child. Your mother has explained to me.

I hope you are thinking about our marriage. It is what I want more than anything on earth. Do write to me. I shall come down to see you there as soon as I can arrange it. Then we can talk of the future.

I am feeling this with you. I have heard from Edward, as well as from your mother, how close you and your sister were, and I know what you must be suffering. I wish I could be with you to show you how deeply I feel for you.

Please write to me. I want to be in constant touch.

All my love to you,

Richard

It was a comforting letter. I was reminded of how kind and understanding he was.

It amazed me that, ever since I had heard that devastating news, I had not given him a thought.

I was surprised when Jowan Jermyn called at the house. One of the maids came to tell me that he was in the hall and had asked to see me. I noticed the look of surprise and excitement on her face.