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Equal Rites

‘Actually I was going to say that we think we might allow a few more girls into the University. On an experimental basis. Once we get the plumbing sorted out,’ said Cutangle.

‘That’s up to you, of course.’

‘And, and, it seemed to me that since we seem destined to become a co-educational establishment, as it were, it seemed to me, that is—’

‘Well?’

‘If you might see your way clear to becoming, that is, whether you would accept a Chair.’

He sat back. The sugar lump passed under his chair on matchstick rollers, the squeaking of the slavedriver ants just at the edge of hearing.

‘Hmm,’ said Granny, ‘I don’t see why not. I’ve always wanted one of those big wicker ones, you know, with the sort of sunshade bit on the top. If that’s not too much trouble.’

‘That isn’t exactly what I meant,’ said Cutangle, adding quickly, ‘although I’m sure that could be arranged. No, I mean, would you come and lecture the students? Once in a while?’

‘What on?’

Cutangle groped for a subject.

‘Herbs?’ he hazarded. ‘We’re not very good on herbs here. And headology. Esk told me a lot about headology. It sounds fascinating.’

The sugar lump disappeared through a crack in a nearby wall with a final jerk. Cutangle nodded towards it.

‘They’re very heavy on the sugar,’ he said, ‘but we haven’t got the heart to do anything about it.’

Granny frowned, and then nodded across the haze over the city to the distant glitter of the snow on the Ramtops.

‘It’s a long way,’ she said. ‘I can’t be keeping on going backwards and forwards at my time of life.’

‘We could buy you a much better broomstick,’ said Cutangle. ‘One you don’t have to bump start. And you, you could have a flat here. And all the old clothes you can carry,’ he added, using the secret weapon. He had wisely invested in some conversation with Mrs Whitlow.

‘Mmph,’ said Granny. ‘Silk?’

‘Black and red,’ said Cutangle. An image of Granny in black and red silk trotted across his mind, and he bit heavily into his scone.

‘And maybe we can bring some students out to your cottage in the summer,’ Cutangle went on, ‘for extra-mural studies.’

‘Who’s Extra Muriel?’

‘I mean, there’s lots they can learn, I’m sure.’

Granny considered this. Certainly the privy needed a good seeing-to before the weather got too warm, and the goat shed was ripe for the mucking-out by spring. Digging over the Herb bed was a chore, too. The bedroom ceiling was a disgrace, and some of the tiles needed fixing.

‘Practical things?’ she said, thoughtfully.

‘Absolutely,’ said Cutangle.

‘Mmph. Well, I’ll think about it,’ said Granny, dimly aware that one should never go too far on a first date.

‘Perhaps you would care to dine with me this evening and let me know?’ said Cutangle, his eyes agleam.

‘What’s to eat?’

‘Cold meat and potatoes.’

There was. Mrs Whitlow had done her work well.

Esk and Simon went on to develop a whole new type of magic that no one could exactly understand but which nevertheless everyone considered very worthwhile and somehow comforting.

Perhaps more importantly, the ants used all the sugar lumps they could steal to build a small sugar pyramid in one of the hollow walls, in which, with great ceremony, they entombed the mummified body of a dead queen. On the wall of one tiny hidden chamber they inscribed, in insect hieroglyphs, the true secret of longevity.

They got it absolutely right and it would probably have important implications for the universe if it hadn’t, next time the University flooded, been completely washed away.

THE END

About the Author

Terry Pratchett is the acclaimed creator of the Discworld series, started in 1983 with The Colour of Magic, and which has now reached 38 novels. Worldwide sales of his books are now 60 million, and they have been translated into 37 languages. Terry Pratchett was knighted for services to literature in 2009.

Introducing Discworld

The Discworld Series is a continuous history of a world not totally unlike our own except that it is a flat disc carried on the backs of four elephants astride a giant turtle floating through space, and that it is peopled by, among others, wizards, dwarves, policemen, thieves, beggars, vampires and witches. Within the history of Discworld there are many individual stories, which can be read in any order, but reading them in sequence can increase your enjoyment through the accumulation of all the fine detail that contributes to the teeming imaginative complexity of this brilliantly conceived world.

Also by the Author

1. THE COLOUR OF MAGIC

2. THE LIGHT FANTASTIC

3. EQUAL RITES

4. MORT

5. SOURCERY

6. WYRD SISTERS

7. PYRAMIDS

8. GUARDS! GUARDS!

9. ERIC (illustrated by Josh Kirby)

10. MOVING PICTURES

11. REAPER MAN