Down the Rabbit Hole

“That’s what I thought you meant!” He looked happy about this. “But Macy, here’s the thing. I mean, I know I was a jerk about the phone. I get that now. Believe me, I really understand now. But I’ve been thinking all this time that it was about me, my problem, my . . . addiction, I guess you could call it. So I’ve been frustrated about what to do. How to get out of here—of the mess I made, that is. It’s hard to explain.”

“No, but Jeremy, it wasn’t about that at all. It was me. I was so intolerant. And I’m so sorry I made you feel like it was you. The problem is that I’m spoiled and impulsive—”

“Stop it. No, you’re not. But I did realize that the problem was about you.”

“I know! I was the problem. I have no patience! I could have given you another chance. Heck, I could have just gotten over it.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. I thought the problem was mine, that it was something that I needed to change but hadn’t gotten around to working on yet. What I didn’t realize was not that I had become a jerk, or an idiot, or a guy who was a lousy boyfriend—all of those things were true, but they were still all about me. I finally realized that I wasn’t truly paying attention to anybody but me. The phone was just a symptom. And all the rest of this stuff happened because of what that was doing to you!” He paused, shaking his head. “Did you honestly think I didn’t love you?”

Macy gripped the phone in both hands, looking deeply into his eyes, drinking in his full-blown and distraught attention. “Well . . . yes. I mean, I don’t blame you. If I wasn’t interesting, why wouldn’t you tune out? But you know, now that you say all of that I think I was doing the same thing. I was only thinking about me and what I wanted.”

He ran a hand through his hair in a gesture so dear to her that her breath caught. “Macy, oh, Macy. That is so far from the truth. You were right there with me and I was always somewhere else. I can’t believe I did that to you. The number one thing in a relationship has to be emotional security, and I gave you none of that. I was such an idiot, Mace.”

She swallowed hard over the lump in her throat and gave a light laugh. “The number one thing in a relationship? Did you Google that?”

He looked sheepish and laughed. “Actually I did. I’ve been . . . uh . . . working on things. On myself. Or rather, not myself. Trying to figure out what went wrong.”

“You were? Then . . . are you saying . . . ?” She couldn’t get the words out. She could not ask him if he still loved her, because even after all of this, she was scared to death he might say no.

“Macy, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. And it wasn’t about the phone, or the iPad or whatever, it was about me not knowing how to love. Not knowing how to nurture love, and build it, and take care of it the way it should be taken care of.”

A tear slipped down her face and she smiled. “Google again?”

He gave her a look she hadn’t seen since one of their earliest moments in bed. “Just the vocabulary, Mace. The feelings are all mine. And I’m so, so sorry. I ruined everything.”

She swiped at her cheeks to dry them with her gloves and gave him a watery smile. “But I did the same thing. I made snap judgments and then—then I bailed on you. And in the cruelest way!”

His lips were pressed together, and his eyes looked as if they might be wet too. She gripped the phone harder, brought it closer to try to see if he was tearing up, then realized that her face was getting huge on his screen. She yanked it back.

“I miss you, Macy,” he said. “God, I miss you so much. I wish . . . I wish I could go back in time, back to when I was lucky enough to have your love.”

“Jeremy, I still love you! You don’t know how much I wish I could undo it all, the misunderstanding, the breakup—” As she said the words the screen went blank. Then her phone vibrated and the app closed itself down. “No!” she wailed, shaking the phone in her hands. She took the finger of one glove in her teeth and pulled it off, then started poking the app with her finger. But instead of opening back up, the entire phone shut itself off. “No!”

“Macy,” April said, coming closer.

Macy looked up and saw a crowd of people near the bus stop watching her, their faces looking as devastated as she felt, like they were watching the sad ending of her life’s movie.

“Macy, turn around,” April said.

Macy caught the smile on April’s face and spun to look behind her. Weaving through the crowd on the sidewalk, Jeremy was moving toward her, his eyes scanning the people all around until his gaze landed on hers.

Her mouth dropped open, the glove fell to the ground and he stopped.

“You were right here?” she asked, not knowing what else to say. “All along? Why didn’t you just—?”

But instead of speaking he moved swiftly toward her. Before she could get another word out his arms were around her and he was kissing her.