Down the Rabbit Hole

“Well, yeah, but only if they really look like a leopard, not some cheesy pattern in green and orange.”

“What, like made of fur?” Macy said absently, thinking all of life was pointless when you couldn’t reach the one you loved. She felt as if she were the one who’d been dumped, and frankly, spending time in the faux-friendly world of her cell phone was a lot more comfortable than walking around like a dead extra in somebody else’s movie.

The inanity of her conversation with April was making her tired. She wished she hadn’t agreed to go out after work—she’d rather be home in bed—but April was right. She’d done nothing the last few weeks but angst about Jeremy. It was time to get out. But even that wasn’t working.

She’d been holed up in her head so long she could barely make conversation. It was so bad she’d been afraid to see her life coach for fear of being outed as one of the fools done in by love. He’d already pointed out how her relationship was not adding value to her life; if he discovered that the relationship was over and she had descended into life immobility because of it he’d probably drop her as a client. She’d been pretty lax at work too. Where was this going to end? How was she supposed to get over him? Things had only gotten worse as time had passed.

They zipped up their coats and pulled on their gloves and headed for the exit. In a heavy-handed bit of symbolism, winter had descended suddenly and without mercy that week. She pulled her collar up, anticipating the icy wind.

“Why don’t you just call him, then?” April said, turning to her once they were outside. “You want to talk to him, so take the bull by the horns. What the hell, right? If it takes that to get him out of your system then just do it!”

“I have called him. Several times. He doesn’t pick up.”

April’s face went from frustration to comprehension. “Oh, honey,” she said, putting an arm around Macy’s shoulders. “I get it now. Come on, let’s go get a drink somewhere.”

Macy held the phone in the palm of her hand and gazed at it helplessly. “Do you think my phone could be broken?”

As if on cue, the thing chimed.

April laughed. “I guess not.”

“That’s not my ring tone. What is that?” She unlocked the phone, and Jeremy’s face popped up on her screen.

“Oh my god, he’s FaceTiming you!” April leapt away from Macy’s side so she wouldn’t be visible in the screen. “Take it take it take it,” she hissed.

Macy flushed, and her finger trembled as she tapped the phone to take the call. “Hey,” she said, with a shaking voice.

In her peripheral vision April seemed to be gesturing something to her, moving her hands emphatically up and down.

“Macy!” His face could not have looked more delighted to see her. “Is that really you?”

She laughed, confused. “Of course it’s me.” Then she frowned. “Did you mean to call someone else?”

“No!” He looked stricken. “It’s just—I haven’t been able to get through on the regular phone. The phone part of my phone doesn’t work, see, but then I remembered FaceTime. It’s not actually the phone so it works. I’m sure there’s some metaphor in there somewhere,” he muttered, rolling his eyes. “But then I wasn’t sure it was allowed—well, anyway, never mind. It’s a long story. Have you got a minute to talk?”

She had no idea what he was talking about, but her heart began to soar anyway. “Yes! Yes, I’m just—I just got out of work. What’s up?” She tried to sound casual and glanced at April, who was still doing that movement.

“Macy . . .” He looked at her a long moment.

She caught sight of herself in the little box in the corner, the one that showed how she looked to him, and realized why April was gesturing. She looked awful. She jerked the phone up to face level and farther away, so it wasn’t looking at her from below, and she instantly looked less ghoulish. April popped herself theatrically on the forehead as if to say, Finally.

“Hey, can I call you right back?” she asked, thinking she should also get into some better lighting. “I’m out on the street and—”

“No!” he shouted. “No, no, don’t hang up. Please don’t hang up. Can you hear me?”

She looked around at the people looking at her and turned the phone down a notch, but she didn’t want to miss anything he said so she turned it back up. “Yes, but so can a lot of other people.”

“I don’t care. I don’t want to risk not being able to call back. Listen, I’ve come to a realization. What you were trying to say the other night, that you thought I was done? What did you mean by that?”

She looked around again. Several people at a bus stop were looking at her curiously. She dropped her voice. “Oh, you know. That you . . . you obviously didn’t feel the same way about me that I felt about you.”

“What?” he said loudly, as if by increasing his volume he could increase hers. “I didn’t catch that.”

“I said, that I know you wanted out of the relationship,” she nearly shouted, “that you didn’t love me anymore.”