Chase the Morning

Jyp whistled. ‘That’s a great big can of worms. Like I said, it depends on a lot of things. A whole lot of things. What kind of person you are. How you change. How much you want to remember. How much you try. How much you refresh those memories, maybe.’

‘By coming back, you mean? Out of the Core?’

‘Sure. But I got to admit, that’s got problems, too. Folk who make it a habit, well, they remember okay. It’s the Core they tend to forget. Never completely, maybe – but it’s liable to kind of slip away when they aren’t looking. Time slackens its grip on ’em, and bang! goes a year, or two years, or more, since last they set the evening at their heels. Till they linger so long that no navigation can get them right back where they were. Till, sooner than it seems, maybe, they begin to forget – and find they’re forgotten.’

It seemed to me there’d been something more in his voice than his usual laconic good nature. ‘Is that what happened to you?’

‘I’d a wife back then,’ he said, neutrally. ‘Sailors’ wives, they get used to their men staying away; but if I’d known how long it was, maybe … Crap, maybe I did know. You can’t have it both ways. You make your own choice in the end, I guess. And I’ll level with you, Steve – answer what you were really asking. Yes. Yes, it’s more’n likely you’ll not remember. Yes, this may be the only chance to choose you get.’

‘That’s so,’ said Mall, and went on playing.

Clare reappeared, laden with a tray of good things, and brought it up to us. I couldn’t help noticing the lilt of her breasts beneath the striped jersey, the flash of thighs as she climbed to the deck, the faintest glimpse of golden hair as she stooped to put down the tray. Mall, too, was looking; and she suddenly sang a line or two from the ballad she was playing, in her mellow voice.

Let never a man a ’wooing wend
That lacked thinges thrie,
A purse of gold,
An open heart,
And full of charitie …

I sighed again. My heart wasn’t open, and my purse was fast emptying; not that I grudged a penny of it. Clare smiled, as if acknowledging what Mall was saying, and settled down beside me. She took my arm and started feeding me some kind of pate on biscuits.

‘I don’t know,’ I said again, when my mouth wasn’t full. ‘What a hell of a choice – there’s no other like it. God, I’m tempted – I’m torn. Almost literally,’ I added, feeling Clare’s grip tighten on my arm, the pressure of words unspoken. ‘But the way it seems to me –’

They all leaned forward, waiting for my answer. It was amazing, a wonderful thing in itself; that I should matter to them. Come to that, they mattered to me – even that evil thing, Le Stryge, in his way. There was a debt there, if nothing more. I’d never had to feel like this before.

‘It seems to me that the life I knew, the old life I had – I made a hash of that, a whole lot of mistakes. It’s pure chance I didn’t just go on making them, or worse. And though I’ve done a bit of learning, maybe, I’ve not finished yet. This new life I’m offered – I could make a real hash of that, too, couldn’t I? Only the consequences might be worse – infinitely worse. Christ, they almost were!’ I shuddered at the thought of what I might have been at this moment, so easily.

‘I laid myself open to one kind of evil. I’d better make sure I’m less open to others, before I start hanging around them again. I don’t want to leave you all – but, but I think I’d better. I should go back and learn to live my first life properly, and then maybe I can think about seeking out some others. I’ll try and remember! I’ll fight to stay in touch – and maybe I will. But if I don’t – that’s how it’ll have to be. That’s best for all of us.’

‘A brave settling,’ said Mall quietly, ‘and, a’mine avis, the right and the true one. May’t serve you better than you know now, my Stephen. I – I shall not forget.’

‘Yeah, well, you’ve got a point, I guess,’ conceded Jyp. ‘There’re some real ugly guys around out here. Can’t have you whizzin’ about like a bomb ready primed for the first comer to pick up. So – go!’ He sighed. ‘Forget all else if you must – but don’t forget the docks, and Danube Street. And ’fore all the Tavern! Fix that in your mind. Fight for it. Then maybe the rest’ll stay. And when you’re good and ready, you just keep asking your way, and you’ll find it in the end, if you really want to. But till then – well, I guess staying away, that’s right ‘nough the safest thing for you …’