Chase the Morning

Ahead of us, under the curve of the mainsail, long fingers of cloud stretched low along the horizon, their upper curves sun-reddening hills, their trailing edges fringed with gold – a new archipelago, beckoning us onward. And even as I saw it we passed beyond the point into the open sea, I felt our bows lift and go on lifting – and now I dared look overside and see the sun-gilded sea fall away beneath us into a deeper azure, a mist of blue and gold. Higher we rose, riding on other seas, our sails filled with the winds of many thousand dawnings, driving us out of shadow to chase the timeless morning and pass over it and beyond, homeward bound.

Sunset came soon, and it was night. The arch of cloud shone against the stars, the wind was steady and Jyp was at the helm. In the mild warm night we, officers and gentlefolk – including Le Stryge, unfortunately – sat around on the quarterdeck, under the light of the lanterns. Up in the foc’sle the crew were singing, soft distant songs and ballads long vanished from the changing years. I was sitting with my back to the deck railing, counting out the gold to Pierce, who was humming happily and plying me with most amazing old brandy in the hope I’d make just a little mistake. I hadn’t the heart to remind him I was a businessman too. Clare was chatting happily to Mall, who was tuning up her fiddle with meticulous care. She twanged a couple of strings experimentally, played a note or two, then began to play along softly with the ballads the foc’sle were singing.

I sighed. The music was getting to me. ‘What’s the matter, Steve?’ enquired Clare softly.

‘I feel … hollow. Hungry.’

She chuckled, and punched me gently in the arm. ‘What, after that breakfast? You wait till we get back. You’ve bought me dinner once or twice, but you’ve never let me cook you a meal. And you’re going to get the biggest, most marvellous –’

‘I didn’t mean that. I mean, I accept, I’ll love it, I really am starving, I can hardly wait, but – that wasn’t how I meant it. I’m hollow like a tooth; aching. Le Stryge was right. Don Pedro was right, Mall – all right, all of you. I was empty; I’ve made myself empty, in ways I never even realized till … Till I was filled. That was wonderful. An honour, a glory; but its left me feeling like … I don’t know. An empty bottle. An unfulfilled purpose. There’s a gap in me, right in the centre of my life, and somehow I’ve got to find ways to fill it, to live as something like a whole man again. God alone knows how.’

Clare smiled, and put her arm round my shoulders again. ‘Oh, that’s simple enough. Come home. Go on building up your career. You’ve got a great one ahead of you – take my word for it. Secretaries always know; and there isn’t one in the company who doesn’t think so, even Barry’s Jane. Just remember there’re things in life besides work, now and again.’ She chuckled. ‘Such as food. If you’re really still starving you’ll need something to soak up that brandy. I’ll go raid Mr Pierce’s cabin stores.’

‘Eh?’ said Pierce, alarmed, losing count; then he remembered he was homeward bound, and rich, and chuckled. ‘Go ahead, m’dear. There’s half a round of fine Stilton still there, and a case of good biscuit and some pickles – oh, bring what you may find, we’ll all have a bite.’

I watched Clare trip away down the ladder and across the deck, her hair flying, her slim legs flashing beneath the striped sailor’s jumper from the slop chest that made a short dress for her. The one who cares most for you …

Something was shifting inside me, the first stirrings of an injured limb after the plaster comes off or the stitches are removed, slow and painful but with the promise of eventual satisfaction. That hunger of mine reached out after her, craving whatever she could give.

‘You know,’ commented Jyp, leaning over the wheel. ‘Clare may be right, but – there’s another way open to you, Steve. And me, I think it’s a better way. Stay in the outer world. Stay out on the Spiral. Don’t sink back into the Core. Stay with us, with Mall and me. We’ll see you find your feet okay, and soon – why, there’ll be no holding you back! Life out here’s not always the way you’ve been living it. It can be like one long holiday, for as long as you want it that way. Think of the endless worlds waiting out there! And you needn’t ever navigate an office desk again.’

Pierce rumbled agreement. Le Stryge just snorted. Mall, I noticed, played on.

‘Jyp,’ I said, ‘that’s flattering as hell. Thank you a million times over – damn it, I’ve never had friends like you and Mall. And yes, I can see there’s a whole new life here. But – I don’t know. I’m torn.’ I looked after Clare, silhouetted a moment against the light of Pierce’s cabin door. ‘If I go back … She won’t remember, you say. A few days and it’ll all be gone. But will I? I asked you that before. You’ve time to answer now.’