Asexuality: A Brief Introduction

In real life, I hardly ever mention that I’m asexual, as it’s not typically relevant to the day-to-day experience of a software engineer. The most attention I’ve gotten from it have been a few awkward (yet positive) conversations with my parents and a guy at work saying “Yeah, we all kinda figured that.” So clearly, that’s what I’m going for with this.

There are no asexual men.

There aren’t? Man, and I was so sure that I existed, too… Do I have to take back my “QED”?

Asexual men do exist, contrary to the stereotypes. I’m one of them. David Jay is, as well. He’s one of the most prominent asexual visibility activists around. He founded AVEN, the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, the largest asexual community on the Internet. Perhaps you’ve heard of it?

And we’re far from the only two around.

Asexuality is a moral stand against sex.

Asexuality is nothing more than a sexual orientation. It’s not inherently for or against sex or people who have sex. When an asexual says something like “I don’t look at people that way” or “I don’t understand why people think sex is so important”, it’s not a value judgment, it’s not an attack. It’s just a statement of fact. They literally don’t feel that way, they don’t understand it.

It’s also worth repeating that asexuality is not a choice, so it can’t be a decision that one makes to stand against anything.

Asexuality is evolution’s response to overpopulation.

I’ve seen this idea come up several times. There are so many things wrong with this idea that I don’t know where to begin… The concept of “overpopulation” is one of sustainability, not of actual, physical, overpopulation. I have plenty to eat and plenty of space to live in, as did my parents when I was born. Evolution didn’t come by one day and say “Well, there’s famine thousands of miles away in Africa right now and if you project out the current growth rates and consumption trends, there’s gonna be problems everywhere in about a hundred years, so, you know what? I think I’m gonna make you not be interested in women.” That’s just not how evolution works. There’s the whole bit where advantageous traits are passed along throughout the generations, because they assist in successful reproduction, even if indirectly. If there’s a trait that makes an organism not interested in reproduction, then that trait doesn’t get passed on, so it can’t become common within a population.[5]

If evolution actually were responding to overpopulation, it would probably just make us smaller so we consume less. Evolution typically doesn’t get much of a chance to respond to overpopulation, though, because famine and disease are far more effective instruments of population control which can eliminate the problem in a single generation.

Asexuals are all just confused teenage girls.

My driver’s license disagrees with this statement on multiple counts. Many asexuals are not teenagers. Many asexuals are not girls. And even those asexuals who are teenage girls tend not to be confused. Most people who identify as asexual do not do so on a whim or because we somehow just can’t recognize what sexual attraction is. An asexual person generally examines their life very carefully before coming out, so you can be fairly certain that when someone says “I’m asexual”, the last thing they are is confused about how they feel.

You’re just single and looking for an excuse for why you’re afraid to date.

Except for those asexuals who aren’t single, or who genuinely don’t care about dating, or who really wouldn’t mind dating if the right person came along…

Asexuals hate their gender.

Asexuality has nothing to do with gender identity. There are male asexuals and female asexuals and transgender asexuals and cisgender asexuals and agender asexuals and genderqueer asexuals and neutrois asexuals and all sorts of other gender asexuals that I haven’t mentioned here. Some of them dislike their gender, some of them are happy with it, and some of them don’t care. And none of them are the gender they are because they’re asexual and none of them are asexual because of the gender they are.

Things That Are Not Asexuality

Asexuality is a sexual orientation where a person does not experience sexual attraction. That’s all it is. However, since asexuality isn’t well known, it’s often confused with similar (and sometimes not even remotely similar) concepts. Because of this, it’s important to point out these distinctions and differences. It’s also important to note that most of these concepts are not necessarily mutually exclusive with asexuality. For instance, even though asexuality is not celibacy, it’s possible for someone who is asexual to also be celibate.