AK 239: The Enemy Is Already Here

“Oh I called in SERT,” says Stone confidently.

“Who?” I ask.

Jennifer, “SERT. They’re kinda like Alaska’s SWAT team.”

“Well,” I ask, “Does SERT carry torpedoes?”

“What?” Stone looks surprised.

“It’s a simple question,” I say.

“He’s right. Those were torpedoes,” says Jennifer.

“What?” Stone looks out the window in a panic.

Meanwhile, I’m looking through some old binoculars and see a pattern of flashing light at the mouth of Kendrick Bay saying,

“It’s Morris Code: Russian sub T-K-2-Zero. They’re saying, you’re B.E.L.C.O.M.E., belcome?”

Jennifer acts disgusted as she grabs the binoculars.

“Welcome. You are welcome! If that’s TK-20 that’s a Russian typhoon class boomer with enough firepower to take out North America.”

“Shit, I almost forgot!” says Stone.

Stone takes out his phone and calls Yura.

“Hi Yura, tell NORAD that we got TK two zero a Russian sub sitting at the mouth of Kendrick Bay. Make sure… Hang on.”

Stone sees General “Bad Odor” trying to crawl away so he puts his phone down and simply kicks his Alaskan cowboy boot into the Iranian’s forehead.

Bahadur goes down in pain ’til Stone picks him up.

“And what the hell’s a Russian sub doin’ in my town?”

Peterson AFB

NORAD

Command Center, CO

An Airman walks to the general,

“General, the F35s are inbound. ETA zero two minutes ’til target acquisition, sir.”

The general than says to Stone,

“Clear the area we have two fighters inbound. ETA zero two minutes. Hello?”

The general looks to an airman questioning the line.

The airman says, “The line is open sir. It sounds like there’s a fight going on.”

Another airman says, “They’re fuel is low, sir, and there are no tankers in the air within 200 miles.”

“Aw, hell!” says the general.

Fishing Trawler

Jen is looking through the binoculars again and reading Morse code.

“Permission… to… come… aboard?”

Stone is angry,

“No! No! I don’t want no damn Russians in Alaska!”

Jen staring at him asks,

“Does your wife wonder if you’re human?”

“All the time!” says his son, Tony.

“So what are we going to do?” I say looking through binoculars.

“Aw hell, invite ’em to the party. They just saved our lives!” says Stone quickly changing his mind.

I look at Jennifer but neither of us can argue with Stone this time.

Stone pulls out a flashlight from his pocket.

“So who’s talkin’ to ’em?”

“Toss it,” I say and Stone tosses me the flashlight.

I begin to flash Morris code to Vasili. I then walk to a cabinet and Jenn says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m looking for something to eat. Aren’t you hungry?”

Jennifer cannot believe us two Huns but she turns her attention to the Iranian,

“Can’t wait to see what your little friends will do with you.”

General Badakur looks up with a bleeding eye, a black eye, and a shoe imprint matching Stone’s boot on his forehead.

“Not so tough without your submarine now, are ya?” says Stone.

Jen is thinking, “Isn’t that a movie reference?”

“Are you for real? Were you in?” I ask.

“Nam. Vietnam. The big one! I was eighteen months in the bush and I can snap your neck in a heartbeat, sonny.”

“Really, really, you’re gonna do movie lines from Tom Hanks and the ‘The Burbs’?”[11] says Jen.

“Okay, you caught me,” says Stone.

“Blazing Saddles! Unbelievable!” I say.

Jen has been monitoring TK-20 with my binoculars,

“He’s coming in.”

She hands the binoculars back to me and I take another look.

TK-20

Captain Vasili’s Diary

This is the most difficult thing that I have ever done.

The easy part was torpedoing a submarine full of men who just helped kill our friends. A much more delicate task will be to convince my own Russian men to surrender our boat to the Americans. I have some key officers assembled on the conning tower and I’m worried mutiny may be next.

I don’t even have the words to speak to my men.

I speak very soberly,

“Gentlemen, I appreciate your hearing me out before you decide anything. I believe the Americans will not let us escape to Mother Russia. We might have gotten under the polar ice cap but it’s likely the USS Alaska or her replacement is still sitting there. They would be waiting for us. At this point the Americans think we just attacked the United States. There would be an order from the President of the United States to kill us.”

“We would all die and for what?

“Nothing.”

“Absolutely nothing.”

I think to myself as I’m speaking, it’s hard to tell what my officers are really thinking. I know most of them like family.

However, a few of them I don’t know at all.

Are they going to kill me right here?

Are they going to grab me and charge me with treason?

Like all good Russians, you play close to the vest and with your best poker face. I’m just putting all my cards on the table now. Am I doing the right thing? I continue to speak with the men: