Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

“Oh yes! A party!” Zola smiled dreamily as they moved off down the hallway. “Once I’m settled in as the Heterodyne, I shall have a big, fancy party! I shall wear a beautiful gown and I shall dance with the heads of Europa and all the handsome men—” She tightened her grip on Gil’s arm. “But mostly with you, of course.”

Gil wondered if she had gone mad. None of the others seemed to think this conversational turn an odd one, which was surprising, and Zola prattled on nonstop for almost ten minutes until they entered a new corridor and Tiktoffen, who had been monitoring the device in his hand, interrupted a nuanced description of her plans for Gil’s party outfit, down to the number of pearl buttons on his cloth-of-gold pants. “We’re safe, my lady.”

Instantly, Zola stopped talking. She took a deep breath. “Thank goodness.”

With a start of surprise, Gil resurfaced from the pit of abstract mathematical conundrums into which he had long ago retreated. “Safe? Safe from what? The fashion police?”

Tiktoffen chuckled. “The Castle. We’re in a dead zone now. Before, there was a distinct possibility that it could hear every word we said.”

A prickle of uneasiness flowed through Gil’s mind. He turned to Zola. “You mean—all that party stuff…”

Zola gave him a patient look. “I want the Castle to underestimate me. Surely you didn’t as well?”

Gil kept his mouth shut and looked guilty.

This delighted Zola, who patted Gil’s cheek. “So here’s what’s going on. For a long time my associates have been trying to figure out how to get control of Castle Heterodyne.”

“Wait,” Gil interrupted. “Who are these associates?”

“Oh, the Storm King’s Loyal Order of the Knights of Jove.”

Gil snorted. “Right. And England’s Knights of the Round Table are right behind them, I’ll bet.”

Zola laughed. “You can’t imagine! They are so old-fashioned! But they’re deadly serious!”

“And you’re telling me that the Knights of Jove have stuck around all this time.”

“Oh yes! They’re a secret society, you know. It’s very exciting. They’ve been seeking out and keeping track of the royal lineage, but the time was never right.”

“Uh-huh. Let me guess. A long line of sots, imbeciles, and—God forbid—females, right?”

Zola laughed again. “As well as at least one reported werewolf.”⁶⁸

“Well that’s the problem with monarchies, isn’t it? They just never can make ’em like they used to.”

Zola shrugged. “Yes, well, that was before the Mongfish family took a hand in things.”⁶⁹

Gil was surprised. “Mongfish—like the last Heterodyne’s wife?”⁷⁰

“Of course. The qualities of candidates aside, for a long time the order itself had…stagnated. It became an excuse for the old boys to get together, drink brandy, and go on about ‘the good old days of yore.’ Completely fossilized. No fire at all.”

Gil bit his lip. Now that he thought about it, he had seen the Knights of Jove on a list of assorted drinking clubs and fringe cabals that the Empire knew existed. Obviously, this list was in desperate need of a reevaluation. “And the Mongfish family?”

“They got the Order whipped into shape, and then, well, they are very gifted, especially when it comes to the biological disciplines.”

Gil nodded. “So I’ve heard.”⁷¹

“Well, they just made sure that there was an appropriate heir.”

Gil made a face. Zola shrugged. “Oh, nothing too unnatural, they just insisted on things like arranging marriages that produced family trees with actual branches.”

Gil nodded. Royalty did tend to have its little traditions.

Zola continued. “Anyway, these days the High Council has Sparks working for the Order on all kinds of things—and one of the biggest is this place.” She waved a hand indicating the Castle. “If I’m going to be acknowledged as the Heterodyne, I’ve got to hold the Castle. But it’s broken and insane. It won’t listen to anybody. We’ve had brilliant people working on it for ages, trying to find a way to control it, but nothing has worked.”

She turned and faced Gil. “Well recently, they made this huge breakthrough. The Castle isn’t just one entity.”

“What?” The look on Gil’s face satisfied her. “Yes, I thought a clever boy like you would find that interesting. As best they can determine, it’s split into something like twelve different minds, each of which controls a small section, thinks that it alone is the ‘real’ Castle-mind, and they are all working against each other at cross-purposes.”

“Fascinating,” Gil breathed. His brain was working furiously.

“Isn’t it?” Tiktoffen chimed in. “This is a priceless opportunity!”

“I’m sure,” Zola said dismissively. “But now we’re out of time. I have to take over as Heterodyne quickly. We no longer have the luxury of trying to control the Castle, but we have found a way to kill it.”

“That is a mistake!” Professor Tiktoffen burst out. “We need more time, yes, but we have made progress! With this information we could—”