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The first thing we discovered was that the snails, having exhausted their supply of fresh greens, had decided to look at yonder shores for their vitaminary and nutritious needs, and had launched a two-pronged attack: one contingent had dispatched to Odelia and Chase’s backyard, and a second, possibly even larger battalion had moved into Ted and Marcie’s. And so when we burst onto the scene, Harrington Street was up in arms.

Ted and Marcie, who’d hitherto expressed quiet sympathy, now threw angry glances at Tex, whom they blamed for this predicament, and tried to salvage what they could from the slaughter. While Odelia and Chase, having arrived home after a disappointing mission, and had also hoped to settle down for a little while to think and regroup, saw their precious floral delight being reduced to nothingness by a horde of ravenous slugs and snails.

“What do we do!” Tex was yelling.

“We do what we did last night,” said Chase, taking control of the situation, like the stalwart keeper of the peace that he was: “We apprehend and neutralize.”

“You mean, we kill them?” Tex cried, grabbing at his hair. “But I can’t, Chase. As much as I would like to, I can’t. I’m a doctor. I save lives, not take them!”

“We don’t use lethal force, we merely extract,” Chase said in that calm way of his. “We grab the slugs, deposit them into these plastic receptacles, and this time we take them much further afield. In fact we take them as far as—”

“Don’t say the park, Chase,” said Marge. “We can’t destroy the park, just to save our own backyard.”

“I was going to say the woods,” said Chase. “But the park is probably a better idea. It’s big enough, Marge,” he assured the stricken woman. “They can’t possibly eat the entire park. There’s not enough of them. And besides, in the park they’ll meet natural predators, who will cut down their number to a manageable size.”

“Are you sure?”

“Trust me,” said Chase, and placed a reassuring arm around his mother-in-law’s shoulder.

For some reason this gesture opened the floodgates, and soon Marge was crying her heart out, and pressing her face into Chase’s broad chest.

“Looks like this snail business really got to her,” said Dooley.

“It’s not the snail business,” I said. “It’s the Odelia and Dexter business.”

“What business?”

“Never mind,” I said. “Let’s get out of their way before they pick us up and deposit us in the park, too.”

“I wouldn’t mind being deposited in the park,” said Brutus. “It’s probably a lot more peaceful there than it is here.”

Just then, Harriet came hurrying up.“Tragedy struck!” she cried.

“Now what?” I said.

“Fifi says she’s not going to compete, and neither is Rufus! All of my work down the drain—just like that!”

“But why?” asked Brutus.

“She says being in a show is degrading. It’s beneath her. She wants to be praised for her intellect, not her good looks. Oh, how ungrateful. After all I’ve done for those two.”

“Poor Harriet,” said Dooley once Harriet was out of earshot.

“Yeah, poor Harriet,” I said with a smile. “It’s a real tragedy.”

We moved into the house, and let the humans engage in another evening spent catching snails. It’s a pastime not often practiced in these parts, but it’s good clean family fun, and I can recommend it to anyone. Even kids can join in, as evidenced by Grace, who tried to put a snail into her mouth, but was caught just in time by Odelia’s uncle Alec.

And as I settled down on the couch, after having eaten my fill, and was ready for a prolonged nap, Gran came in, and took a seat next to us on that same couch.

I’d fully expected her to turn on the TV and catch some of her favorite shows, but instead she lowered her voice and said, “I need you guys for a secret mission.”

I yawned.“What mission?” I asked, in spite of myself and my reluctance to engage in any more missions for one day.

“We’re going to collect some dirt on this Dexter guy, so we can make him give up Odelia,” she said with a satisfied smile. “And I need you to come along to be our eyes and ears. Just in case he’s got his security people traipsing around. Those billionaires always got security,” she added with a touch of rancor at those naughty billionaires who tried to protect their wealth from thieves and burglars.

“Why would you want to do that, Gran?” asked Dooley.

“Isn’t it obvious? Odelia is having an affair with the guy, and we need some leverage to make him give her up. We’ve got a marriage to save, Dooley. So are you in or out?”

“But… I thought that was just a figment of your imagination?” said Dooley, cutting me a curious glance.

“Imagination, my foot,” said Gran. “I know what I saw, and that was no innocent hug, like you guys claim it was. I know pure savage lust when I see it, and that guy’s got sex on the brain. Now are you prepared to do what needs to be done to save my poor innocent granddaughter? Or are you too chicken?”

At the mention of the word chicken, Dooley shivered.“Please don’t talk about chicken, Gran,” he lamented. “It brings back memories.”