Wizard's First Rule

"She's fine," he grumbled, "but one of my cows had a two headed calf."

"Really? And how do you think that happened?"

"I think it happened because you're a witch!"

"There, you said it again." Zedd shook his head in confusion. "I don't understand. Do you gentlemen want to do away with me because you think I have magic, or is it simply your intention to demean me by calling me a woman?"

There was some confusion. "We don't know what you're talking about," someone said.

"Well, it's simple. Girls are witches. Boys are called warlocks. Do you see my point? If you call me a witch, you seem to be calling me a girl. If what you mean is that you think me a warlock, well, that is an altogether different insult. So, which is it? Girl or warlock:"

There was more confused discussion, then John spoke up, angry. "We mean to say you're a warlock, and we intend to have your hide for it!"

"My, my, my," Zedd said, tapping his lower lip thoughtfully with the tip of his finger. "Why, I had no idea you men were so brave. So very brave indeed."

"How's that?" John asked.

Zedd shrugged. "Well, what is it you think a warlock capable of?"

There was more talk among themselves. They started shouting out suggestions. He could make two-headed cows, make the rains come, find people who were lost, make children be stillborn, make strong men weak and make their women leave them. Somehow this didn't seem to be sufficient, so more ideas were shouted out. Make water burn, turn people into cripples, change a man into a toad, kill with a look, call upon demons, and in general, everything else.

Zedd waited until they were done, and then held his arms out to them. "There you have it. Just as I said, you men are the bravest fellows I have ever seen! To think, armed only with pitchforks and axe handles, you come to do battle with a warlock who has these kinds of powers. My, my, how brave." His voice trailed off. Zedd shook his head in wonderment. Worry started to break out in the crowd.

Zedd went on, in a drawn-out, monotonous tone, suggesting the things a warlock could do, describing in great detail a variety of deeds from the frivolous to the terrifying. The men stood, transfixed, listening in rapt attention. He went on and on for a good half hour. Richard and Kahlan listened, shifting their weight as they became bored and tired. The eyes of the mob were wide, unblinking. They stood like statues, the dancing flames from their torches the only motion among the men.

The mood had changed. There was no longer anger. Now there was fear. The wizard's voice changed, too; no longer kind and gentle, or even dull, it was harsh and threatening.

"And so, men, what do you think it is we should do now?"

"We think you should let us go home, unharmed," came the weak reply. The others nodded with agreement.

The wizard waggled a long finger in the air in front of them. "No, I don't think so. You see, you men came here to kill me. My life is the most precious thing I have, and you intended to take it from me. I can't let that go unpunished." Quaking and fear swept through the crowd. Zedd stepped to the edge of the porch. The men took a step back. "As punishment for trying to take my life, I take from you, not your life, but that which is most precious, most dear, most valuable!" With a flourish, he swept his hand dramatically over their heads. They gasped. "There. It is done," he declared. Richard and Kahlan, who had been leaning against the house, stood up straight.

For a moment no one. moved; then a fellow in the midst of the mob thrust his hand into his pocket and felt around. "My gold. It's gone."

Zedd rolled his eyes. "No, no, no. I said the most precious, the most dear. That which you pride above all else."

Everyone stood a moment, confused. Then a few eyebrows went up in alarm. Another man suddenly thrust.his hand into his pocket and felt around, eyes wide in fright. He moaned and then fainted. The ones near by drew back from him. Soon others were putting their hands in their pockets, cautiously feeling around. There were more moans and wails, and soon all the men were grabbing at their crotches in a panic. Zedd smiled in satisfaction. Pandemonium broke out among the mob. Men were jumping up and down, crying, grabbing at themselves, running around in little circles, asking for help, falling on the ground, and sobbing.

"Now, you men get out of here! Leave!" Zedd yelled. He turned to Richard and Kahlan; an impish grin on his face wrinkled his nose. He winked at them both.

"Please, Zedd!" a few men called out. "Please don't leave us like this! Please help us!" There were pleas all around. Zedd waited a few moments and turned back to them.

"What's this? Do you men think I have been too harsh?" He asked with mock wonder and sincerity. There was quick agreement that he had been. "And why do you think this? Have you learned something?"