Wintersmith

She waited until Tiffany was washing out the cup, then said: "Have you heard the stories about me, child?" The voice was kindly. There had been shouts, there had been things said that might have been better put, there had been temper and defiance. But they were there together, with nowhere else to go. The quiet voice was a peace offering, and Tiffany was glad of it.

"Er, that you have a demon in the cellar?" Tiffany answered, her mind still full of puzzles. "And you eat spiders? And get visited by kings and princes? And that any flower planted in your garden blooms black?"

"Oh, do they say so?" said Miss Treason, looking delighted. "I haven't heard that last one. How nice. And did you hear that I walk around at night in the dark time of the year and reward those who have been good citizens with a purse of silver? But if they have been bad, I slit open their bellies with my thumbnail like this?"

Tiffany leaped backward as a wrinkled hand twisted her around and Miss Treason's yellow thumbnail scythed past her stomach. The old woman looked terrifying.

"No! No, I haven't heard that one!" she gasped, pressing up against the sink.

"What? And it was a wonderful story, with real historical antecedents!" said Miss Treason, her vicious scowl becoming a smile. "And the one about me having a cow's tail?"

"A cow's tail? No!"

"Really? How very vexing," said Miss Treason, lowering her finger. "I fear the art of storytelling has got into a pretty bad way in these parts. I really shall have to do something."

"This is just another kind of Boffo, right?" said Tiffany. She wasn't totally sure. Miss Treason had looked pretty scary with that thumbnail. No wonder girls left so quickly.

"Ah, you do have a brain, after all. Of course it is. Boffo, yes. A good name for it. Boffo, indeed. The art of expectations. Show people what they want to see, show 'em what they think should be there. I have a reputation to keep up, after all."

Boffo, Tiffany thought. Boffo, Boffo, Boffo.

She went over to the skulls, picked one up, and read the label underneath, just like she'd done a month ago:

Ghastly Skull No. 1 Price $2.99

The Boffo Novelty & Joke Shop

No. 4, Tenth Egg Street, Ankh-Morpork

"If it's a laugh…it's a Boffo!"

"Very lifelike, aren't they," said Miss Treason, clicking back to her chair, "if you can say that about a skull, of course! The shop sold a wonderful machine for making spiderwebs. You poured in this sticky stuff, d'you see, and with practice quite good webs could be made. Can't abide creepy-crawlies, but of course I've got to have the webs. Did you notice the dead flies?"

"Yes," said Tiffany, glancing up. "They're raisins. I thought you had vegetarian spiders."

"Well done. Nothing wrong with your eyes, at least. I got my hat from there, too. ‘Wicked Old Witch Number Three, A Must for Scary Parties,' I think it was. I've still got their catalogue somewhere, if you're interested."

"Do all witches buy from Boffo?" asked Tiffany.

"Only me, at least around here. Oh, and I believe Old Mistress Breathless over in Two Falls used to buy warts from there."

"But…why?" said Tiffany.

"She couldn't grow them. Just couldn't grow them at all, poor woman. Tried everything. Face like a baby's bottom, her whole life."

"No, I meant, why do you want to seem so"—Tiffany hesitated, and went on—"awful?"

"I have my reasons," said Miss Treason.

"But you don't do those things the stories say you do, do you? Kings and princes don't come to consult you, do they?"

"No, but they might," said Miss Treason stoutly. "If they got lost, for example. Oh, I know all about those stories. I made up most of them!"

"You made up stories about yourself?"

"Oh, yes. Of course. Why not? I couldn't leave something as important as that to amateurs."

"But people say you can see a man's soul!"

Miss Treason chuckled. "Yes. Didn't make that one up! But I'll tell you, for some of my parishioners I'd need a magnifying glass! I see what they see, I hear with their ears. I knew their fathers and grandfathers and great-grandfathers. I know the rumors and the secrets and the stories and the truths. And I am Justice to them, and I am fair. Look at me. See me."

Tiffany looked—and looked past the black cloak and the skulls and the rubber cobwebs and the black flowers and the blindfold and the stories, and saw a little deaf and blind old lady.

Boffo made the difference…not just the silly party stuff, but Boffo-thinking—the rumors and the stories. Miss Treason had power because people thought she did. It was like the standard witch's hat. But Miss Treason was taking Boffo much, much further.

"A witch needs no devices, Miss Treason," Tiffany said.

"Don't get smart with me, child. Didn't the girl Weatherwax tell you all this? Oh, yes, you don't need a wand or a shamble or even a pointy hat to be a witch. But it helps a witch to put on a show! People expect it. They'll believe in you. I didn't get where I am today by wearing a woolly bobble hat and a gingham apron! I look the part. I—"