Vanished

“Is that all?” His eyes were sad as he asked her. For weeks now he'd been putting off this conversation because he was afraid of what she'd say if he told her just how much he loved her. They had promised each other they'd wait until after the trial, before they let themselves think of what they wanted from each other. And now the time was here, and she had made her decision. She didn't want to be responsible for destroying his marriage. “What do you want from me, Marielle?” he repeated to her. “What will you let me give you?”

“The gift of time. The time to heal, and enjoy my son. But I owe you more than that, John … I owe you everything …” She smiled at him. She owed him still more, and they both knew it, or at least she did. “I owe you not to take anything away from you, not to destroy what you have … to steal you from your home, your wife, your children. What would you really have if you left them?” Her eyes were big and deep and sad as she asked. And he knew she was wiser than he was.

“I'd have you and Teddy …” he said softly.

“And guilt, and regret …and maybe one day you'd hate me for it.”

“I could never hate you.”

Malcolm had hated her eventually, and Charles for a time. She knew what it was like. And she valued John Taylor too much to lose him. She'd loved him more than he knew, more than she was ever going to tell him.

“You're not going to let me run away with you, are you?” He looked at her sadly, touching her hand, and wanting to kiss her. It was part of why she wanted to go away, to get away from him and how much she loved him, but she didn't tell him. She knew she loved him too much to be near him and not to get involved with him, and she cared too much about him to interfere with his marriage, or his children.

She whispered to him gently as he took her in his arms. “You need them. And they need you.” But so did she, and other than Teddy, she had no one.

“I need you too,” he said urgently. He had never known anyone like her, and for a mad moment he had told himself that he could make her go away with him. He could force her to if he had to, but as he looked at her, he knew he wouldn't.

She had a right to what she wanted. A time of solitude and peace and healing. And maybe she was even right about Debbie. “I don't want to lose you, Marielle,” or what they had had, the promise of so much more to come, and now that promise was over.

“You won't lose me. I'll always be here.” Her eyes tortured him with their tenderness and their wisdom.

“And when you're not there anymore? When you belong to someone else?” he said sadly, because he knew that day would come, better than she did. Because she deserved it, more than anyone, and much more than he did.

“We'll still be friends. I told you …you won't ever lose me.” And then she smiled again, “Unless you want to.” She kissed him gently on the lips then and he held her close, and they talked for a long time, and finally, hating to go, he left her and went home, wondering if she was very wise or very foolish. It would be years before they'd know. And yet he had always known that their worlds were just too different. It was something she had never acknowledged, but he knew he had to.

He felt lonely without her for days, and it amused him at times to take it out on suspects in the Patterson interrogations. But she felt lonely without him too. It wasn't as though she couldn't call. She knew she could. But for his sake, she was trying not to. And she was busy getting ready for the move to Vermont with Teddy. They had finally rented a house, sight unseen, and there were supposedly cows and chickens and a sheepdog. And Teddy looked more like himself again at last. He had gained weight, and he looked healthy and happy and clean, and most of the brown dye had come out of his hair, except in a few spots, but he still got anxious at night, and he had terrible nightmares. He was sleeping in Marielle's bed, and she took care of him herself. Haverford was the only one left and he was leaving them for good in a few days, and he was enjoying helping her with Teddy.

In fact, he was helping Teddy to a bowl of ice cream when Charles came to say good-bye to her and Teddy. He was going back to Europe in the morning.

“Spain again?” she asked as he followed her into the kitchen.

“Not now.” He was thinking of going to England to enlist, but after all that had happened, he knew he wasn't ready and he wanted to go back to Paris before he went to war again. “We're going to the South of France first, just for the summer.” He blushed, as though embarrassed by the indulgence, but they both knew that he had earned it. But something he had said amused Marielle, and she couldn't resist teasing him, as Teddy offered him part of the huge bowl of chocolate ice cream as they stood in the Patterson kitchen. He and the boy were almost friends, although Teddy was still confused about how he knew his mother.