Understanding Asexuality

If you are a heterosexual person, imagine that you are the only one in your school, or at work, or in your extended family who has these attractions to the other sex. All others are attracted to the same sex, or attracted to no one. How would you feel? Perhaps like the little potoroo?

In this chapter, I discuss sexual identity formation—both in sexual people and, in particular, in asexual people. Let’s begin by addressing a fundamental question: Why is a sexual identity important to people in the first place? Why does a person need to locate, psychologically speaking, his or her sexual self, and perhaps express it, even publicly?

This is not just an interesting question for academic types like me; it is a curious, even burning, question in many laypeople’s minds. Some heterosexual people, for example, wonder why gays and lesbians have to “go flaunting their sexualities” all over the place in gay pride festivities. Perhaps there is an implied homophobia to such statements from heterosexual people (i.e., they do not want to be exposed to a sexuality they don’t like or are uncomfortable with). Yet I also expect that some heterosexual people just truly wonder what all the fuss is about, because they, as heterosexual people, don’t have a parade announcing their sexuality.

Similarly, Dan Savage, an outspoken sex columnist (is there any other kind?), has questioned the need for asexual people to assert their identity, at least within a public sphere (Chevigny, Davenport, Pinder, & Tucker, 2011). He argues that it is clear why gays and lesbians, for example, need to assert their identity in a public sphere. Public announcements and displays of sexual identity are important so that sexual minorities, such as gay men, can claim the right to engage in, in his words, ahem, “cock sucking.” Well, what if you are asexual? If you are not engaging in potentially prohibited behavior (e.g., fellatio among men) and thus do not need public acceptance (or at least tolerance) of it, why go out and make public displays of your identity, or demonstrate in a parade or a public march? After all, no one cares that you are not having sex, and no one will put you in jail for not having sex. So, what is all the fuss about? Just stay at home when the next gay parade rolls around.

Dan Savage has a point here, and his argument goes some way in answering the above-mentioned query from some heterosexual people about why lesbians and gays go about “flaunting their sexualities” at gay pride parades: they need to achieve acceptance and recognition for potentially prohibited behaviors. Interestingly, this view—that public displays of identity are particularly important for gays and lesbians and perhaps less so for asexuals—is probably not lost, at least on some level, on many asexual people. So while some asexual people do march and assert their identities publicly (Childs, 2009, January 16), I expect that a large number of asexuals quietly go about their lives without ever signing on to a chat-line or a website devoted to asexual issues, let alone joining a march devoted to sexual minorities.

But let’s get back to Dan Savage’s main point. Although there is some sense in it, I also think it misses a more important, broader point: The relevance of having an identity (and being able to express it) goes beyond gaining acceptance for, and therefore access to, behavior that might otherwise be prohibited. It has to do with answering some basic questions about oneself (e.g., Who am I? How do I fit in with others?). It also has to do with expressing oneself and seeking some level of acceptance from others for one’s existence (e.g., I exist, and I want the world to know and recognize that I exist). Identity formation, including the sexual identity process that is part of the broader identity-formation process, is a fundamental aspect of human development (Lawler, 2008; Leary & Tangney, 2003; Mathews, Bok, & Rabins, 2009). Anyone who knows a teenager, or recalls his or her own teen years, understands how important and fundamental identity formation can be. Similarly, the fact that most societies, cultures, and religious groups have “coming of age” rites attests to the importance of identity formation in human development, particularly within the context of reproductive/sexual maturation. Thus identity issues, sexual and otherwise, are also relevant to asexual people.