Trigger Warning

The preview always begins at six thirty p.m. I had spent the afternoon hanging paintings, making sure everything looked as good as it could, as I have done every other year. The only thing that was different about the day of this particular event was how excited Paul looked, like a small boy struggling with the urge to tell you what he had bought you for a birthday present. That, and Barry, who said, while we were hanging, ‘I think tonight’s show will put you on the map.’

I said, ‘I think there’s a typo on the Lake District one.’ An oversized painting of Windermere at sunset, with two children staring lostly at the viewer from the banks. ‘It should say three thousand pounds. It says three hundred thousand.’

‘Does it?’ said Barry, blandly. ‘My, my.’ But he did nothing to change it.

It was perplexing, but the first guests had arrived, a little early, and the mystery could wait. A young man invited me to eat a mushroom puff from a silver tray. I took my glass of nurse-this-slowly champagne from the table in the corner, and I prepared to mingle.

All the prices were high, and I doubted that the Little Gallery would be able to sell the paintings at those prices, and I worried about the year ahead.

Barry and Paul always take responsibility for moving me around the room, saying, ‘This is the artist, the beautiful boy who makes all these beautiful things, Stuart Innes,’ and I shake hands, and smile. By the end of the evening I will have met everyone, and Paul and Barry are very good about saying, ‘Stuart, you remember David, he writes about art for the Telegraph . . .’, and I for my part am good about saying, ‘Of course, how are you? So glad you could come.’

The room was at its most crowded when a striking red-haired woman to whom I had not yet been introduced began shouting, ‘Representational bullshit!’

I was in conversation with the Daily Telegraph art critic and we turned. He said, ‘Friend of yours?’

I said, ‘I don’t think so.’

She was still shouting, although the sounds of the party had now quieted. She shouted, ‘Nobody’s interested in this shit! Nobody!’ Then she reached her hand into her coat pocket and pulled out a bottle of ink, shouted, ‘Try selling this now!’ and threw ink at Windermere Sunset. It was blue-black ink.

Paul was by her side then, pulling the ink bottle away from her, saying, ‘That was a three-hundred-thousand-pound painting, young lady.’ Barry took her arm, said, ‘I think the police will want a word with you,’ and walked her back into his office. She shouted at us as she went, ‘I’m not afraid! I’m proud! Artists like him, just feeding off you gullible art buyers. You’re all sheep! Representational crap!’

And then she was gone, and the party people were buzzing, and inspecting the ink-fouled painting and looking at me, and the Telegraph man was asking if I would like to comment and how I felt about seeing a three-hundred-thousand-pound painting destroyed, and I mumbled about how I was proud to be a painter, and said something about the transient nature of art, and he said that he supposed that tonight’s event was an artistic happening in its own right, and we agreed that, artistic happening or not, the woman was not quite right in the head.

Barry reappeared, moving from group to group, explaining that Paul was dealing with the young lady, and that her eventual disposition would be up to me. The guests were still buzzing excitedly as he ushered them out of the door. Barry apologised as he did so, agreed that we lived in exciting times, explained that he would be open at the regular time tomorrow.

‘That went well,’ he said, when we were alone in the gallery.

‘Well? That was a disaster.’

‘Mm. “Stuart Innes, the one who had the three-hundred-thousand-pound painting destroyed.” I think you need to be forgiving, don’t you? She was a fellow artist, even one with different goals. Sometimes you need a little something to kick you up to the next level.’

We went into the back room.

I said, ‘Whose idea was this?’

‘Ours,’ said Paul. He was drinking white wine in the back room with the red-haired woman. ‘Well, Barry’s mostly. But it needed a good little actress to pull it off, and I found her.’ She grinned, modestly: managed to look both abashed and pleased with herself.

‘If this doesn’t get you the attention you deserve, beautiful boy,’ said Barry, smiling at me, ‘nothing will. Now you’re important enough to be attacked.’

‘The Windermere painting’s ruined,’ I pointed out.

Barry glanced at Paul, and they giggled. ‘It’s already sold, ink-splatters and all, for seventy-five thousand pounds,’ Barry said. ‘It’s like I always say, people think they are buying the art, but really, they’re buying the story.’

Paul filled our glasses: ‘And we owe it all to you,’ he said to the woman. ‘Stuart, Barry, I’d like to propose a toast. To Cassandra.’

‘Cassandra,’ we repeated, and we drank. This time I did not nurse my drink. I needed it.