Third Time Lucky

• Write out instructions on how to care for Fat Louie.

• Christmas/Hanukkah shopping:

Mom - Bon Jovi maternity T

Dad - Book on anger management

Mr. G — Swiss Army knife

Lilly — blank videotapes

Tina Hakim Baba - copy of Emanuelle

Kenny - combination TV/VCR (I don't think this is too extravagant. And no, it's not guilt, either. He really wants one)

Grandmere - NOTHING!!!!!!

• Paint fingernails (maybe presence of foul-tasting polish will prevent biting them off)

• Break up with Kenny.

• Organize sock drawer.

I am going to start with the sock drawer because that is clearly the most important. You can't really concentrate on anything if your socks aren't right.

Then I will move on to Algebra because that is my worst subject, and also my first test. I am going to pass it if it is the last thing I do. NOTHING is going to distract me. Not this thing with Grandmere, not the fact that four of those seventeen e-mails are from Michael, not the fact that two are from Kenny, not the fact that I am leaving for Europe at the end of next week, not the fact that my mother and Mr. Gianini are in the next room watching Die Hard, my favourite Christmas movie, NOTHING.

I WILL PASS ALGEBRA THIS SEMESTER, and NOTHING IS GOING TO DISTRACT ME FROM STUDYING FOR THE FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, December 12, 9 p.m., the Loft

I just had to go out and see the part where Bruce Willis throws the explosives down the elevator shaft, but now I am back

to work.

Saturday, December 12, 9:30 p.m., the Loft

I was really curious about what Michael could possibly want, so I read his e-mails -just his. One was about the supplement (Lilly had told him, and he wanted to know if I was thinking of abdicating, ha ha) and the other three were jokes that I

suppose were meant to make me feel better. They weren't very funny but I laughed anyway.

I bet Judith Gershner doesn't laugh at Michael's jokes. She's too busy cloning things.

Saturday, December 12,10 p.m., the Loft

How to Care for Fat Louie While I am Away:

a.m.

In the morning, please fill Fat Louie's bowl with dry food. Even if there is already food in the bowl, he likes to have some

fresh served on top so he can feel like he is having breakfast like the rest of us.

In my bathroom is a blue plastic cup sitting by the bathtub. Please fill that every morning with water from the bathroom sink. You must use water from the bathroom sink because water from the kitchen sink isn't cold enough. And you have to put it

in the blue cup because that is the cup Fat Louie is used to drinking out of while I am brushing my teeth.

He has a bowl in the hallway outside my room. Rinse that out and fill it with water from the water filter pitcher in the refrigerator. It must be water from the water filter pitcher because even though New York tap is said to be contaminant-free, it is good for Louie to get at least some water that is definitely pure. Cats need to drink a lot of water to flush out their systems and prevent kidney and urinary tract infections, so always leave lots of water out, and not just by his food bowls but other places as well.

Do not confuse the bowl in the hall with the bowl by the Christmas tree. That bowl is there to discourage Louie from

drinking out of the tree holder. Too much tree resin could make him constipated.

In the morning, Fat Louie likes to sit on the window sill of my room and look at the pigeons on the fire escape. NEVER OPEN THIS WINDOW, but be sure the curtains are open so he can see out.

Also, sometimes he likes to look out the windows by the TV. If he cries while he is doing this, it means you should pet him.

p.m.

At dinnertime, give Fat Louie canned food. Fat Louie only likes three flavours, Chicken and Tuna Feast (Flaked),

Shrimp and Fish Feast (Flaked), and Ocean Fish Feast (Flaked). He won't eat anything with beef or pork.

He must have the contents of the can on a new CLEAN saucer or he won't eat. Also, he won't eat if the contents don't

retain their can-like shape on the plate, so don't chop up his food.

After eating his canned food, Fat Louie likes to stretch out on the carpet in front of the front door. This is a good time to

give him his exercise. When he stretches out, just put your hand under his front legs and straighten them (he likes this) until he bends like a comma. Then dig your thumbs between his shoulder blades and give him a kitty massage. He will purr if you do it right. If you do it wrong you will know because he will bite you.

Fat Louie gets bored very easily and when he gets bored, he walks around crying, so here are some games he likes to play: