Third Time Lucky

Little did my peers and teachers know that as they went about their daily routines, I was recording their activities for study by future generations. With my handy guide, every ninth grader's sojourn in high school can be a little more fruitful. Students of the future will learn that the way to settle their differences with their peers is not through violence, but through the sale of a really scathing screenplay - featuring characters based on those very individuals who tormented them all those years - to a major Hollywood movie studio. That, not a Molotov cocktail, is the path to true glory.

Here, for your reading pleasure, are a few examples of the topics I will explore in 'How to Survive High School', by Lilly Moscovitz:

1. High School Romance: Or, I cannot open my locker because two oversexed adolescents are leaning up against it, making out.

2. Cafeteria food: Can corndogs legally be listed as a meat product?

3. How to communicate with the subhuman individuals who populate the hallways.

4. Guidance Counsellors: Who do they think they're kidding?

5. Get Ahead by Forging: The Art of the Hall Pass.

Does that sound good, or what? Now look what Mrs Spears had to say about it:

Lilly:  Sorry as I am to hear that your experience thus far at AEHS has not been a positive one, I am afraid I amgoingto have to make it worse by asking you to find another topic

for your term paper.  A for creativity, as usual, however.        Mrs. Spears

Can you believe that? Talk about unfair! Lilly's been censored! By rights, her proposal ought to have brought the school's administration to its knees. Lilly says she is appalled by the fact that, considering how much our tuition costs, this is the kind of support we can expect from our teachers. Then I reminded her that this isn't true of Mr. Gianini, who really goes beyond the

call of duty by staying after school every day to conduct help sessions for people like me who aren't doing so well in Algebra.

Lilly says Mr. Gianini probably only started pulling that staying-after-school thing so that he could ingratiate himself with my mother, and now he can't stop because then she'll realize it was all just a set-up and divorce him.

I don't believe that, however. I think Mr. G would have stayed after school to help me whether he was dating my mom or not. He's that kind of guy.

Anyway, the upshot of it all is that now Lilly is launching another one of her famous campaigns. This is actually a good thing,

as it will keep her mind off me and where I am putting (or not putting) my lips. Here's how it started:

Lilly. The real problem with this school isn't the teachers. It's the apathy of the student body. For instance, let's say

we wanted to stage a walkout.

Me: A walkout?

Lilly. You know. We all get up and walk out of the school at the same time.

Me: Just because Mrs. Spears turned down your term paper proposal?

Lilly: No, Mia. Because she's trying to usurp our individuality by forcing us to bend to corporate feudalism. Again.

Me: Oh. And how is she doing that?

Lilly: By censoring us when we are at our most creatively fertile.

Boris: (Leaning out of the supply closet, where Lilly made him go when he started practising his latest sonata): Fertile? Did someone say fertile?

Lilly: Get back in the closet, Boris. Michael, can you send a mass e-mail tonight to the entire student body, declaring a walkout tomorrow at ten?

Michael: (Who was working on the booth he and Judith Gershner and the rest of the Computer Club are going to have up at the Winter Carnival) I can, but I won't.

Lilly: WHY NOT?

Michael: Because it was your turn to empty the dishwasher last night, but you weren't home so I had to do it.

Lilly: But I TOLD Mom I had to go down to the studio to edit the last few finishing touches on this week's show!

Lilly's TV programme, Lilly Tells It Like It Is, is now one of the highest-ranking shows on Manhattan cable. Of course, it's public access so it's not like she's making any money off it, but a bunch of the major networks picked up this interview she did of me one night when I was half asleep and played it. I thought it was stupid, but I guess a lot of other people thought it was good because now Lilly gets tons of viewer mail, whereas before the only mail she got was from her stalker, Norman.