Third Time Lucky

not a weird psycho stalker. He's just Kenny. So what's he doing calling me on the phone and telling me he loves me????

And then, brilliant me, here's what I do. Because he was still on the phone, waiting for an answer and all. So I go: 

Me:  Um, OK.

Um, OK.

A boy says he loves me and this is how I respond: Um, OK. Oh, yeah, good thing my future career lies in the diplomatic

corps.

So then, poor Kenny, he's like waiting for some response other than Um, OK, as anybody would.

But 1 am perfectiy incapable of giving him one. Instead, I just go:

Me: Well, see you tomorrow.

AND I HUNG UP!!!!!

Oh my God, I am the meanest, most ungrateful girl in the world. After Sebastiano kills me, I am going to burn in hell.

Seriously.

To Do Before Leaving for Genovia

1. Detailed list for Mom and Mr. G: how to care for Fat Louie while I am away.

2. Stock up on cat food, litter.

3. Christmas/Hanukkah presents! For:

Mom — electric breast pump? Check this.

Mr. G new drum sticks.

Dad - book on vegetarianism. He should eat better if he wants to keep his cancer in remission.

Lilly - what she always wants, blank videotapes for her show.

Lars - see if Prada makes a shoulder holster that would fit his Glock.

Kenny - gloves? Something NON-romantic.

Fat Louie - catnip ball.

Grandmere — what do you get for the woman who has everything, including an eighty-nine carat sapphire pendant given to

her by the Sultan of Brunei? Soap or a rope?

4. Break up with Kenny . . . only how can I? He LOVES me.

Only not enough to ask me to the Non-Denominational Winter Dance, I've noticed.

Monday, December 7, Homeroom

Lilly doesn't believe me about Kenny calling and saying he loves me. I told her in the car on the way to school this morning (thank God Michael had a dentist appointment and wasn't there. I would sooner die than discuss my love life in front of him.

It's bad enough having to discuss it in front of my bodyguard. If I had to discuss it in front of this person I've been worshipping for half my life, I think I'd probably go completely borderline personality disorder)

Anyway, so Lilly went, 'I categorically refuse to believe Kenny would do something like that.'

'Lilly,' I said. I had to keep my voice down so the driver wouldn't hear, up in the front seat. 'I am dead serious. He told me he loves me. I love you. That is what he said. It was completely random and weird.'

'He probably didn't say that. He probably said something else and you misunderstood him.'

'Oh, what? I glove you?'

'Well, of course not,' Lilly said. 'That doesn't even make any sense.'

'Well, then what? What could Kenny have said that sounded like I love you, but wasn't I love you?'

Lilly got mad then. She went, 'You know, you have been acting weird about Kenny for the past month. Since the two of you started going out, practically. I don't know what's wrong with you. All I ever heard before was "Why don't I have a boyfriend? How come everybody I know has a boyfriend but me? When am I going to get a boyfriend?" but now you've got one, you aren't the least bit appreciative of him.'

Even though what she was saying was true, I acted offended because I have been trying really hard not to let the fact that I

am not in love with Kenny show.

'That is so false,' I said. 'I completely appreciate Kenny.'

'Oh, yeah? I think the truth of the matter is, you, Mia, simply aren't ready to have a boyfriend.'

Boy did I see red after that remark.

'Me? Not ready to have a boyfriend? Are you kidding? I've been waiting my whole life to have a boyfriend!'

'Well, if that's true' — Lilly was looking very superior — 'why won't you let him kiss you on the lips?'

'Where did you hear that?' I demanded.

'Kenny told Boris, of course, who told me.'

'Oh, great,' I said, trying to remain calm. 'So now our boyfriends are talking about us behind our backs. And you're

condoning this?'

'Of course not,' Lilly said. 'But I do find it intriguing, from a psychological point of view.'

This is the problem with being best friends with someone whose parents, are psychiatrists. Everything you do is interesting to them from a psychological point of view.

'Where I let anybody kiss me,' I exploded, 'is my business! Not yours, and not Boris's, either.'

'Well,' Lilly said. 'I'm just saying, if Kenny did say what you say he said - you know, the L word - then maybe he said it because he can't express the depths of his feelings any other way. You know. Other than verbally. Since you won't let him, physically.'

So I suppose that, technically, I should be thankful that Kenny chose merely to say the words 'I love you', rather than enacting them physically, which, God knows, might have actually have involved his tongue.

Oh, God, I don't even want to think about it any more.

Monday, December 7, Still Homeroom

They just passed out the Final Exam schedules. Here is mine:

FINAL EXAM SCHEDULE