The Truth

It was replaced by groans and swearing.

Swearing was a positive indication. It was dwarfish swearing, and it meant that the swearer was not only alive but angry too.

He raised his head carefully.

The far door was open. There was no queue, no dogs. There was the sound of running feet and furious barking out in the street.

The back door was swinging on its hinges.

William was aware of the pneumatic warmth of Sacharissa in his arms. This was an experience of the sort which, in a life devoted to arranging words in a pleasing order, he had not dreamed would - well, obviously dreamed, his inner editor corrected him, better make that expected - would have come his way.

'I'm dreadfully sorry,' he said. That was technically a white lie, the editor said. Like thanking your aunt for the lovely handkerchiefs. It's okay. It's okay.

He drew away carefully and got unsteadily to his feet. The dwarfs were also staggering upright. One or two of them were being noisily sick.

The body of Otto Chriek was crumpled on the floor. The departing Brother Pin had got one expert cut in, at neck height, before leaving.

'Oh, my gods,' said William. 'What a dreadful thing to happen...'

'What, having your head cut off?' said Boddony, who'd never liked the vampire. 'Yes, I expect you could say that.'

'We... ought to do something for him

'Really?'

'Yes! I'd have been killed for sure if he hadn't used those eels!'

'Excuse me? Excuse me, please?'

The sing-song voice was coming from under the printers' bench. Goodmountain knelt down.

'Oh, no...' he said.

203

'What is it?' said William.

'It's... er... well, it's Otto.'

'Excuse me, please? Could somevun get me out of here?' Goodmountain, grimacing, pushed his hand into the darkness, while the voice continued: 'Oh, crikey, zere is a dead rat under here, somevun must've dropped zere lunch, how sordid-- Not zer ear please, not zer ear... By the hair, please

The hand came out again, holding Otto's head by the hair as requested. The eyes swivelled.

'Everyvun all right?' said the vampire. 'Zat vas a close shave, yes?'

'Are you... all right, Otto?' said William, realizing that this was a winning entrant in the Really Stupid Things to Say contest.

'Vot? Oh, yes. Yes, I zink so. Mustn't grumble. Pretty good, really. It's just that I seem to have had my head cut off, vich you could say is a bit of a drawback--'

'That's not Otto,' said Sacharissa. She was shaking.

'Of course it is,' said William. 'I mean, who else could it--'

'Otto's taller than that,' said Sacharissa and burst out laughing. The dwarfs started to laugh, too, because at that moment they would laugh at anything. Otto didn't join in very enthusiastically.

'Oh, yes. Ho ho ho,' he said. 'Zer famous Ankh-Morpork sense of humour. Vot a funny joke. Talk about laugh. Do not mind me.'

Sacharissa was gasping for breath. William grabbed her as gently as he could, because this was the kind of laughter you died of. And now she was crying, great racking sobs that bubbled up through the laughs.

'I wish I was dead!' she sobbed.

'You should try it some time,' said Otto. 'Mr Goodmountain, take me to my body, please? It is around here somevhere.'

'Do you... should we... do you have to sew--' Goodmountain tried.

'No. Ve heal easily,' said Otto. 'Ah, zere it is. If you could just put me down by me, please? And turn round? Zis is a bit, you know, embarrassing? Like the making of zer vater?' Still wincing in the after-effects of the dark light, the dwarfs obeyed.

After a moment they heard: 'Okay, you can look now.'

204

Otto, all in one piece, was sitting up and dabbing at his neck with a handkerchief.

'Got to be a stake in zer heart as veil,' he said, as they stared. 'Zo... vot vas all zat about, please? Zer dvarf said to make a distraction--'

'We didn't know you used dark light!' snapped Goodmountain.

'Excuse me? All I had ready vas the land eels and you said it looked urgent! Vot did you expect me to do? I'm reformed*.'

'That's bad luck, that stuff!' said a dwarf William had come to know as Dozy.

'Oh yes? You zink? Veil, I'm zer vun who is going to have to have his collar laundered!' snapped Otto.

William did his best to comfort Sacharissa, who was still trembling.

'Who were they?' she said.

Tm... not sure, but they certainly wanted Lord Vetinari's dog...'

'I'm sure that she wasn't a proper virgin, you know!'

'Sister Jennifer certainly looked very odd,' was the most William was going to concede.

Sacharissa snorted. 'Oh, no, I was taught by worse than her at school,' she said. 'Sister Credenza could bite through a door... No, it was the language*. I'm sure "ing" is a bad word. She certainly used it like one. I mean, you could tell it was a bad word. And that priest, he had a knifeV

Behind them Otto was in trouble.

'You use it to take pictures!' said Goodmountain.

'Vy, yes.'

Several of the dwarfs slapped their thighs, half turned away and did the usual little pantomime that people do to indicate that they just can't believe someone else could be so damn stupid.

'You know it is dangerous!' said Goodmountain.