The Truth

'Just as you say, sir, that's just what my lady wife said too.'

'I'm sorry, but he insisted on waiting for you,' Sacharissa whispered as William sat down. 'What's going on?'

'I'm not sure...' said William, staring hard at his notes.

'Who's been killed?'

'Er, no one... I think...'

117

That's a mercy, then.' Sacharissa looked down at the papers covering her desk.

I'm afraid we've had five other people in here with humorous vegetables,' she said.

'Oh.'

'Yes. They weren't all that funny, to tell the truth.'

'Oh.'

'No, they mainly looked like... um, you know.'

'Oh... what?'

'You know,' she said, beginning to go red. 'A man's... um, you

know.'

'Oh.'

'Not even very much like, um, you know, too. I mean, you had to want to see a... um, you know... there, if you understand

me.'

William hoped that no one was making notes about this conversation. 'Oh,' he said.

'But I took their names and addresses, just in case,' said Sacharissa. I thought it might be worth it if we're short of stuff.'

'We're never going to be that short,' said William quickly.

'You don't think so?'

I'm positive.'

'You may be right,' she said, looking at the mess of paper on her desk. 'It's been very busy in here while you were out. People have been queueing up with all sorts of news. Things that are going to happen, lost dogs, things they want to sell--'

'That's advertising,' said William, trying to concentrate on his notes. 'If they want it in the paper they have to pay.'

'I don't see that it's up to us to decide--'

William thumped the desk, to his own amazement and Sacharissa's shock.

'Something is happening, do you understand? Something really real is happening. And it's not an amusing shape! It's really serious! And I've got to write it down as soon as possible! Can you just let me do that?'

He realized Sacharissa was staring not at him but at his fist. He followed her gaze.

118

'Oh, no... what the hell is this?'

A long sharp nail projected straight upwards from the desk, an inch from his hand. It must have been at least six inches long. Pieces of paper had been impaled on it. When he picked it up he saw that it remained upright because it had been hammered through a wooden block.

'It's a spike,' said Sacharissa quietly. 'I, I, er, brought it in to keep our papers tidy. M-my grandfather always uses one. All... all the engravers do. It's... it's sort of a cross between a filing cabinet and a wastepaper basket. I thought it would be useful. Er, it'll save you using the floor.'

'Er, right, yes, good idea,' said William, looking at her reddening face. 'Er...'

He couldn't think straight. 'Mr Goodmountain?' he yelled.

The dwarf looked up from a playbill he was setting.

'Can you put stuff in type if I dictate to you?'

'Yes.'

'Sacharissa, please go and find Ron and his... friends. I want to get a small paper out as soon as possible. Not tomorrow morning. Right now. Please?'

She was about to protest, and then she saw the look in his eye. 'Are you sure you're allowed to do this?' she said.

'No! I'm not! I won't know until after I've done it! That's why I've got to do it! Then I'll know! And I'm sorry I'm shouting!'

He pushed his chair aside and went over to Goodmountain, who was standing patiently by a case of type.

'All right... we need a line at the top...' William shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose while he thought. 'Er... "Amazing Scenes In Ankh-Morpork"... got that? In very big type. Then in smaller type, underneath... "Patrician Attacks Clerk With Knife"... er...' That didn't sound right, he knew. It was grammatically inexact. It was the Patrician who had the knife, not the clerk. 'We can sort that out later... er... in smaller type again... "Mysterious Events In Stables"... go down another size of type... "Watch Baffled". Okay? And now we'll start the story...'

'Start it?' said Goodmountain, his hand dancing across the boxes of type. 'Aren't we nearly finished?'

119

William flicked back and forth through his notes. How to begin, how to begin... Something interesting... No, something amazing... Some amazing things... no... no... The story was surely the strangeness of it all...

'"Suspicious circumstances surround the attack"... make that "alleged attack"...'

'I thought you said he admitted it,' said Sacharissa, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief.

'I know, I know, it's just that I think that if Lord Vetinari wanted to kill someone they'd be dead... look him up in Twurp's Peerage, will you, I'm sure he was educated in the Assassins' Guild--'

'Alleged or not?' said Goodmountain, his hand hovering over the As. 'Just say the word.'

'Make it "the apparent attack",' said William, ' "by Lord Vetinari on Rufus Drumknott, his clerk, in the palace today. Er... er... Palace staff heard--"'

'Do you want me to work on this or do you want me to find the beggars?' Sacharissa demanded. 'I can't do both.' William gave her a blank stare. Then he nodded. 'Rocky?'