The Truth

'What are all the fruit salads and leaves and things?' said William.

Sacharissa blushed. 'I did that. A bit of unofficial engraving. I thought it might make it look... you know, high class and impressive. Er... do you like it?'

'It's very good,' said William hurriedly. 'Very nice... er, cherries--'

'--grapes--'

'Yes, of course, I meant grapes. What's the quote from? It's very meaningful without, er, meaning anything very much.'

'I think it's just a quote,' said Sacharissa.

~blk~

Mr Pin lit a cigarette and blew a stream of smoke into the still damp air of the wine cellar.

'Now, it seems to me what we got here is a failure to communicate,' he said. 'I mean, it's not like we're asking you to memorize a book or anything. You just got to look at Mr Tulip here. Is this hard? Lots of people do it without any kinda special training.'

'I sort of... I-lose my bottle,' said Charlie. His feet clanked against several empty ones.

'Mr Tulip is not a scary man,' said Mr Pin. This was flying in the face of the current evidence, he had to admit. His partner had bought a twist of what the dealer had sworn was devil dust but which looked to Mr Pin very much like powdered copper sulphate, and this had apparently reacted with the chemicals from the Slab which had been Mr Tulip's afternoon snack and turned one of his sinuses into a small bag of electricity. His

90

right eye was spinning slowly, and sparks twinkled on his nasal hairs.

'I mean, does he look scary?' Mr Pin went on. 'Remember, you are Lord Vetinari. Understand? You're not going to take anything from some guard. If he talks back to you, just look at him.'

'Like this,' said Mr Tulip, half of his face flashing on and off.

Charlie leapt back.

'Not quite like that, perhaps,' said Mr Pin. 'But close.'

'I don't want to do this any more!' Charlie wailed.

'Ten thousand dollars, Charlie,' said Mr Pin. That's a lot of money.'

'I've heard of this Vetinari,' said Charlie. 'If this goes wrong he'll have me thrown into the scorpion pit!'

Mr Pin spread his hands expansively. 'Well, the scorpion pit isn't as bad as it's cracked up to be, you know?'

'It's a --ing picnic compared to me,' rumbled Mr Tulip, his nose lighting up.

Charlie's eyes sought a way out. Unfortunately, one of them was cleverness. Mr Pin hated the sight of Charlie trying to be clever. It was like watching a dog try to play the trombone.

'I'm not doing it for ten thousand dollars,' he said. 'I mean... you need me...'

He let it hang in the air, which was very much what Mr Pin was considering doing with Charlie.

'We had a deal, Charlie,' he said mildly.

'Yeah, well, I reckon there's more money in this now,' said Charlie.

'What do you think, Mr Tulip?'

Tulip opened his mouth to reply but sneezed instead. A thin bolt of lightning earthed itself on Charlie's chain.

'Maybe we could go to fifteen thousand,' said Mr Pin. 'And that's coming out of our share, Charlie.'

'Yeah, well...' said Charlie. He was as far away from Mr Tulip as possible now, because the man's dry hair was standing out from his head.

'But we want to see some extra effort, right?' said Mr Pin. 'Starting right now. All you have to do is say... What do you have to say?'

91

' "You are relieved of your post, my man. Go away," ' said Charlie.

'Except we don't say it like that, do we, Charlie?' said Mr Pin. It's an order. You are his boss. And you have to give him a haughty stare... Look, how can I put it? You're a shopkeeper. Imagine that he's asked for credit.'

~blk~

It was six in the morning. Freezing fog held the city in its breathless grip.

Through the mists they came, and into the press room behind the Bucket they lurched, and out into the mists they went again, on a variety of legs, crutches and wheels.

'Mrpikeerah-tis!'

Lord Vetinari heard the cry and sent the overnight clerk down to the gate again.

He noted the title. He smiled at the motto.

He read the words:

~blk~~Frame~

IT IS THE COLDEST WINTER

IN LIVING MEMORY, AND

THAT IS OFFICIAL.

~blk~

Dr Fettle Dodgast (132) of Unfeen University, told the Times: 'It if as cold as I can remember. Mind you, we don't get the winter thefe days that we had when I was ,'^young.'

~blk~

Isicles as long as a man's arm have been seen on gutters about the city and many pumps have frozen.

~blk~

Dr Dodgast (132) says the winter is worse than the one in 1902 when wolves invaded te acity. He added 'and we were glad of that, because we hadn't seen fresh meat for a fortnight'

...

92

Mr Josia Winder (45) of 12b Martlebury Street has %a Humerous Vegetable that he will exhibit to all comers upon payment of a small sum. It is most droll.

...

Mr Clarence Harry (39) begs to inform the public that he has lost a valuable watch, probably in the area of Dolly Sisters. Reward to finder. Please report to Times office.

...

A icongrapher with thier own equipptment vanted by this publication. Apply at the Times office. The sign of the Bucket.