The Truth

It was quite hard to hire Mr Tulip and Mr Pin. You had to know the right people. To be more accurate, you had to know the wrong people, and you got to know them by hanging around a certain kind of bar and surviving, which was kind of a first test. The wrong people, of course, would not know Mr Tulip and Mr Pin. But they would know a man. And that man would, in a general sense, express the guarded opinion that he might know how to get in

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touch with men of a Pin-like or Tulipolitic disposition. He could not exactly recall much more than that at the moment, due to memory loss brought on by lack of money. Once cured, he might indicate in a general kind of way another address where you would meet, in a dark corner, a man who would tell you emphatically that he had never heard of anyone called Tulip or Pin. He would also ask where you would be at, say, nine o'clock tonight.

And then you would meet Mr Tulip and Mr Pin. They would know you had money, they would know you had something on your mind and, if you had been really stupid, they now knew your address.

And it had therefore come as a surprise to the New Firm that their latest client had come straight to them. This was worrying. It was also worrying that he was dead. Generally the New Firm had no problem with corpses, but they didn't like them to speak.

Mr Slant coughed. Mr Pin noticed that this created a small cloud of dust. For Mr Slant was a zombie.

'I must reiterate,' said Mr Slant, 'that I am a mere facilitator in this matter--'

'Just like us,' said Mr Tulip.

Mr Slant indicated with a look that he would never in a thousand years be just like Mr Tulip, but he said: 'Quite so. My clients wished me to find some... experts. I found you. I gave you some sealed instructions. You have accepted the contract. And I understand that as a result of this you have made certain... arrangements. I do not know what those arrangements are. I will continue not to know what those arrangements are. My relationship with you is, as they say, on the long finger. Do you understand me?'

'What --ing finger is that?' said Mr Tulip. He was getting jittery in the presence of the dead lawyer.

'We see each other only when necessary, we say as little as possible.'

'I hate --ing zombies,' said Mr Tulip. That morning he'd tried something he'd found in a box under the sink. If it cleaned drains, he'd reasoned, that meant it was chemical. Now he was getting strange messages from his large intestine.

'I am sure the feeling is mutual,' said Mr Slant.

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'I understand what you're saying,' said Mr Pin. 'You're saying that if this goes bad you've never seen us in your life--'

'Ahem...' Mr Slant coughed.

'Your afterlife,' Mr Pin corrected himself. 'Okay. What about the money?'

'As requested, thirty thousand dollars for special expenses will be included in the sum already agreed.'

'In gems. Not cash.'

'Of course. And my clients would hardly write you a cheque. It will be delivered tonight. And perhaps I should mention one other matter.' His dry fingers shuffled through the dry papers in his dry briefcase, and he handed Mr Pin a folder.

Mr Pin read it. He turned a few pages quickly.

'You may show it to your monkey,' said Mr Slant.

Mr Pin managed to grab Mr Tulip's arm before it reached the zombie's head. Mr Slant did not even flinch.

'He's got the story of our lives, Mr Tulip!'

'So? I can still rip his --ing stitched-on head right off!'

'No, you cannot,' said Mr Slant. 'Your colleague will tell you why,'

'Because our legal friend here will have made a lot of copies, won't you, Mr Slant? And probably lodged them in all kinds of places in case he di-- in case--'

'... of accidents,' said Mr Slant smoothly. 'Well done. You have had an interesting career so far, gentlemen. You are quite young. Your talents have taken you a long way in a short time and given you quite a reputation in your chosen profession. While of course I have no idea about the task you are undertaking - no idea whatsoever, I must stress - I have no doubt that you will impress us all.'

'Does he know about the contract in Quirm?' said Mr Tulip.

'Yes,' said Mr Pin.

That stuff with the wire netting and the crabs and that --ing banker?'

'Yes.'

'And the thing with the puppies and that kid?'

'He does now,' said Mr Pin. 'He knows nearly everything. Very

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clever. You believe you know where the bodies are buried, Mr Slant?'

'I've talked to one or two of them,' said Mr Slant. 'But it would appear that you have never committed a crime within Ankh-Morpork, otherwise of course I could not talk to you.'

'Who says we've never committed a --ing crime in Ankh-Morpork?' Mr Tulip demanded in an offended tone.

'As I understand it, you have never been to this city before.'

'Well? We've had all --ing day!'

'Have you been caught?' said Mr Slant.

'No!'

Then you have committed no crime. May I express the hope that your business here does not involve any kind of criminal activity?'

'Perish the thought,' said Mr Pin.