Simon said: “I can’t pay you this month’s rent. I won’t even try to explain how embarrassing this is to me. Anyone can say that in such a case. On the other hand, I assume it goes without saying that you consider me capable of striving to find a way and means to acquire a substantial sum of money such that I can eradicate my debt as quickly as possible. I know people who’d give me money if I so desired, but my pride forbids me to borrow money from people whom I prefer to have beholden to me. From a woman, to be sure, I’d accept a loan, in fact I’d do so willingly, for I have quite different sentiments regarding women, sentiments that must be judged by a different sort of honor. Would you, Frau Weiss, be willing to advance me the money, first of all the money to cover the rent, and then a small additional sum to cover my living expenses? — Is it now your impression that my behavior is outrageous? You shake your head. I believe you have some trust in me. You can see how I’m blushing at my own shameless request, you see me standing here not without embarrassment at this moment. But I’m in the habit of seizing resolves rather quickly and carrying them out promptly, even if this impulsiveness should take my own breath away. I’m happy to accept a loan from a woman because I’m incapable of deceit where women are concerned. With men I can lie when circumstances require, lie mercilessly, take my word for it. But with women never. Do you really wish to loan me so much? I could live on that for half a month. By then, many things will improve in my current situation. And I haven’t even thanked you yet. You see, that’s the sort I am. Only rarely in my life have I expressed feelings of gratitude to another person. Where gratitude is concerned, I’m a bungler. Well, I should also say, to be sure, that I’ve always, whenever possible, disdained acts of benevolence. A benevolent act! I truly feel at this moment what benevolence is. I really shouldn’t be accepting this money.”
“Just listen to you!”
“Well, I’ll take it then. But don’t fret about not having it returned. I’m temporarily overjoyed about this money. Money is something only a dunce could despise.”
“Are you leaving already?”
Simon had already gone back out the door and returned to his room. He found it uncomfortable, or at least acted as if he found it uncomfortable, to go on speaking about this matter. Besides, he’d accomplished what he’d set out to do, and he wasn’t fond of giving long apologies or making promises when he’d asked someone for a favor and had it granted. If he himself were one day to be the giver, he wouldn’t demand excuses or assurances; it wouldn’t occur to him to do so. You should either have trust and sympathy and therefore give, or else just turn your back coldly on the petitioner because you find him distasteful. “She found me not at all distasteful, in fact I noticed that she gave me the money with a sort of eager joy. It’s all a matter of bearing when you wish to achieve an aim. It gives this woman pleasure to make me beholden to her, probably because in her eyes I’m a tolerable person. No one likes to give anything to disagreeable persons because you don’t want to have them beholden to you; after all, an obligation like the repayment of a debt brings people together, it rubs shoulders, binds, shares confidences and closeness, remaining always at one’s side. How utterly unenviable it is to have distasteful debtors — such people sit practically astride their creditors’ necks, it makes you want to forgive their debts just to be rid of them. It’s delightful when someone thoughtlessly, swiftly gives you something; what better attestation could there be to the fact that you still have people around who find you agreeable—”