The Shadow of the East

“Is it so extraordinary that I should wish it, should hope for it? I care for you both so deeply. To know that your mother’s place would be filled by one who is worthy to follow her—how worthy only I, who have been admitted to her high ideals, appreciate; to know that there would be the happiness of home ties here for you, to know that I leave Gillian safe in your hands—it would make my going very easy, Barry.”

His head was down on his arms on the mantelshelf, his face hidden from her. “Gillian—safe—in my hands—my God!” he groaned, and shuddered like a man in mortal agony.

All the deep love she had for him, all the fears she entertained for him leaped up in her with sudden strength, forcing utterance and breaking down the reticence she had imposed upon herself. She caught his arm.

“Barry, what is it—for heaven’s sake speak! Do you think I have been blind all these months, that I have seen nothing? Can’t you tell me—anything?” her voice, quivering with emotion, was strange to him, strange enough to recall him to himself. He straightened slowly and drew away from her with a little shiver. “There is nothing I can tell you,” he replied dully, “nothing that I can explain, only this—I went through hell in Japan. I don’t want any sympathy—it was my own fault, my own doing.... Just now I made a fool of myself, I was off my guard, your words startled me. Forget it, you can do me no good by remembering.”

He made an abrupt movement as if to leave the room but Miss Craven stood squarely in front of him, her chin raised stubbornly. She knew now that she was face to face with something even more terrible than she had imagined. He had avoided a definite answer. By all reasoning she should have accepted his rebuff but intuition, stronger than reason, impelled her. If he went now it would be the end. She knew that positively. The question could never be opened up again. She could not let it pass without a final effort. It was inconceivable that this shadow could always lie across his life. Whatever tragical event had occurred belonged to the past—surely the future might hold some alleviation, some happiness that might compensate for the sorrow that had lined his face and brought the silver threads that gleamed in his thick dark hair. Surely in the care for another life memory might be dulled and there might dawn for him a new hope, a new peace. Despite his broken suggestive words her trust in him was still maintained; she had no fear for Gillian—with him her future would be assured. And there seemed no other alternative. Her confidence in herself furthermore was not shaken, she had a deep unalterable conviction that the wish for the union she so desired was based upon something deeper than mere fancy. It was not anything that she could put into words or even into concrete thought, but the belief was strong. It was a vivid assurance that went beyond reasoning, that made it possible for her to speak again.

“Are you going to let the past dominate the rest of your life,” she asked slowly, “is the future to count for nothing? There are, in all probability, many years ahead of you—cannot you, in them, obliterate what has gone before?”

He turned from her with a hopeless gesture and a muttered word she could not catch. But he did not go as she feared he would. He lingered in the room, staring into the heart of the glowing fire and Miss Craven played her last card.

“And—Gillian?” she said firmly, all the Craven obstinacy in her voice, and waited long for his answer. When it came it was flat, monotonous.

“I cannot marry her. I cannot marry—anybody.”

“Are you married already?” The question escaped before she could bite it back. With a quickening heartbeat she awaited an outburst, a retort that would end everything. But he answered quietly, in the same toneless voice: “No, I am not married.”

She caught at the loop-hole it seemed to offer. “If there is no bar–” she began eagerly, but he cut her short. “I have done with all that sort of thing,” he said harshly.

“Why?” she persisted, with a doggedness that matched his own. “If you have known sorrow, does that necessarily mean that you can never again know happiness? Must you for a—a memory, turn your back irrevocably on any chance that may restore your peace of mind? I believe that such a chance is waiting for you.”

He looked at her with strange intentness. “For me....” he smiled bitterly. “If you only knew!”