The Seventh Function of Language

Badinter pleads Mitterrand’s cause: in politics, cynicism is only a relative handicap; it can also suggest shrewdness and pragmatism. After all, compromise doesn’t have to be unprincipled. The very nature of democracy necessitates flexibility and calculation. Diogenes the Cynic was a particularly enlightened philosopher.

“Okay. So what about the Observatoire?” asks Fabius.

Lang protests: this murky affair about a faked attack was never cleared up, and it was all based on the dubious testimony of an ex-Gaullist turned right-wing extremist who changed his story several times. And Mitterrand’s car had been found riddled with bullets! Lang seems genuinely indignant.

“Agreed,” says Fabius. So that’s his shady past dealt with. But there remains the fact that, up to now, he has not come across as especially likable or especially socialist.

Jack Lang reminds them that Jean Cau said Mitterrand was a priest and his socialism was “the flip side of his Christianity.”

Debray sighs. “What a load of crap.”

Badinter lights a cigarette.

Moati eats Chokinis.

Attali: “He decided to move to the left. He thinks it’s necessary to contain the Communist Party. But it puts off moderate left-wing voters.”

Debray: “No, what you call a moderate left-wing voter, I would call a centrist. Or a radical Valoisian, at a push. Those people will vote for the Right, no matter what. They’re Giscardians.”

Fabius: “Including left-wing radicals?”

Debray: “Naturally.”

Lang: “All right, and the canines?”

Moati: “We’ve booked him an appointment with a dentist in the Marais. He’s going to give him a smile like Paul Newman’s.”

Fabius: “Age?”

Attali: “Experience.”

Debray: “Madagascar?”

Fabius: “Who cares? Everyone’s forgotten it.”

Attali: “He was minister of the colonies in ’51, and the massacres took place in ’47. Sure, he said some unfortunate things, but he doesn’t have blood on his hands.”

Badinter says nothing. Neither does Debray. Moati drinks his hot chocolate.

Lang: “But there’s that film where you see him in a colonial helmet in front of Africans in loincloths…”

Moati: “The TV stations won’t show those images again.”

Fabius: “Colonialism is a bad subject for the Right. They won’t want to get into this.”

Attali: “That’s true for the Algerian War too. First and foremost, Algeria is de Gaulle’s betrayal. It’s sensitive. Giscard won’t take any risks with the pied-noir vote.”

Debray: “And the Communists?”

Fabius: “If Marchais plays the Algerian card, we’ll play Messerschmitt. In politics, as in every other aspect of life, it’s not in anyone’s interests to dig up the past.”

Attali: “And if he insists, we’ll hit him with the Nazi-Soviet Pact!”

Fabius: “Okay, fine. And the positives?”

Silence.

They pour themselves more coffee.

Fabius lights a cigarette.

Jack Lang: “Well, his image is of a man of letters.”

Attali: “Who cares? The French vote for Badinguet, not for Victor Hugo.”

Lang: “He’s a great orator.”

Debray: “Yeah.”

Moati: “No.”

Fabius: “Robert?”

Badinter: “Yes and no.”

Debray: “He’s a crowd-pleaser.”

Badinter: “He’s good when he has the time to develop his line of thought, and when he’s feeling confident.”

Moati: “But he’s no good on TV.”

Lang: “He’s good when he goes head-to-head.”

Attali: “But not face-to-face.”

Badinter: “He’s uncomfortable when anyone resists or contradicts him. He knows how to construct an argument, but he doesn’t like being interrupted. As powerful as he can be at a rally, with the crowd behind him, he can be equally abstruse and boring with journalists.”

Fabius: “That’s because on TV he usually despises whoever’s interviewing him.”

Lang: “He likes to take his time, to warm up slowly. Onstage, he can do that, feel his way forward, test out his rhetoric, adapt to his audience. On TV, that’s impossible.”

Moati: “But TV’s not going to change for him.”

Attali: “Well, not in the next year anyway. Once we’re in power…”

All: “… we fire Elkabbach!” (laughter)

Lang: “He has to think about TV like a giant rally. He has to tell himself that the crowd is right behind the camera.”

Moati: “He needs to watch out for waxing lyrical, though. It’s okay at a rally, but it doesn’t work in a studio.”

Attali: “He has to learn to be more concise and direct.”

Moati: “He has to improve. He has to train for it. We’ll make him rehearse.”

Fabius: “Hmm, he’s going to love that.”

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